A Spiritual Journey - loving again

.04 Loving Again

By Angela
My late husband's birthday was May 6th. This year he would have been the big 5-0. As such, I have been thinking about him even more than usual. Also, the other day, my late husband's best friend came to town to visit. We talked a lot about the past, the present, and the future. He is in the process of ending his marriage and we talked a lot about that. I am a widow trying to find my way again, during a time when dating websites are more popular than night clubs. We talked a lot about that.

He fell in love, married, believed it would last forever and then had the rug pulled from under his feet. As we talked it was not surprising to find him hurt, feeling betrayed, bitter and suspicious. And yet, he believed he would marry again. He still has hope for his future. I, on the other hand, fell in love, married, believed it would last forever and then my husband was killed. Although I have felt betrayed and hurt, I am not bitter and not suspicious. Yet, for the longest, it was hard for me to believe I would ever fall in love again, much less get married again. I did not have hope. I asked him about his quasi-optimism. He says it is his faith and belief in God, his support system and that he is a marrying man. He said he likes being married. I, contrarily, never aspired to marriage, never thought I would be married, but did marry because I loved and wanted to be married to my husband.

We were together for eighteen years. We dated for nine and were married for nine. It was a wonderful experience. Maybe that was why I had such a hard time when my husband was killed. People told me I was young; I would get married again; I would fall in love again. I laughed, rebelled, got angry. I never acknowledged the possibility of loving again. I wanted to live the rest of my life in the warmth of my late husband's love for me. It helped that my friends and family thought we had a great marriage. They kept the cocoon of my husband's love alive for me. Now, as I look back, I realize it also prolonged my grieving process.

For years I just suffered. It was written allover my face. It was in the way I walked, the way I talked, the things I did and the things I chose not to do. Then, one day, I began to laugh. A good sign. But I did not want anything to do with men. I hated it when men looked at me and heaven forbid a man would deign to talk to me. I don't know how long that would have lasted if it wasn't for a male friend of the family who took an interest in me. He put up with my total reluctance to get emotionally involved with any other man for years until he finally decided enough was enough and left me to myself. I now realize what a patient man he was and I am sorry for what I unintentionally put him through. He is truly a good man.

But time has gone by and I am no longer in a place of pain and misery. About one year ago, I decided I wanted to start dating again. What an experience it has been. How different times are from 29 years ago when I started dating my late husband. I have gone through a legion of emotions. I hate dating and yet I have actually reached a positive place as a "single" woman. I no longer feel dating is betraying my late husband. I no longer feel I will never fall in love. I no longer think a man cannot fit into my life or that I cannot fit (and don't want to fit) into another man's life. I no longer think there is no man out there with whom I can be as happy as I was with my late husband. Now when I think about my future, I think of Corinne Bailey Rae's song "Breathless." I want a man who leaves me breathless, breathless when he says my name, when he looks at me, and when he touches me. I want a man I can bring home to my family and my child. I want a man I can share my day with. Hell, I want a man I can share my nights with.

So, as my husband turns fifty in heaven, I look above and remind him I love him and always will. I also acknowledge I am open, willing and ready to have a happy, healthy, loving relationship again. So, today, find someone you love and tell them. Take the time to appreciate your partner and let them know you do. Give someone special in your life your time and attention. And for all you out there feeling alone right now, have hope in tomorrow. It does eventually come and it does eventually loom brighter. Better days are ahead. It is true, all there is...is love.

"As each day dies in the arms of night, so each woman should live in the arms of someone who truly cares. It is the fatal flaw in everyone that they must be loved." The Child of Judas, Violet Winspear (1976).