SPIRITUAL JOURNEY - A Hard Blog to Write

.20 A Hard Blog to Write

By Angela Skeete Davis

It is great to keep friends in your life who have known you long enough to know when you are living a lie or lying to yourself; friends who confront you with where you think you are versus where you really are; friends who love you enough to be honest with you about you. But damn it ain’t easy. Having said that, the other day I was on the phone with someone very dear to me. We were having a serious catch-up conversation. The conversation turned to me and as we talked I began to realize how wrong I had been about some things in my life. Eventually my blog came up. She and I discussed some of the things I have written. She went on to tell me, not that I had not been honest with my readers, but that I had been under a delusion about myself and just how far I had come, at least in one area of my life. She said I had not really done what I said I had done or thought I had done and that I had not really progressed as far as I thought I had. In short she said that maybe I am not where I think I am...

What am I talking about? Well, one of the things I am pleased with is that I try to be honest with others. If I like you I tell you or if I want something from you, then I will tell you. I have admitted that I am afraid of rejection from people I care about (like family or friends) and this makes me sometimes reluctant to talk about things that I feel might cause rejection. But I do so, to be true to me. Other than that, I believe I am willing to speak what is on my mind. But my friend said that whether or not I am willing to admit it to myself, lately I don’t speak up if it means I will be putting my feelings on the line and possibly getting hurt. She said that I am afraid of experiencing the pain I experienced with my husband’s death and so have not been willing to put myself out there in my relationships. While I had points to argue and refute her assessment, she was able to really get me to examine my actions, or lack thereof. It was hard to do and harder to accept, but I had to admit it. I have unconsciously wrapped my arms so tight around myself to avoid pain that I have not allowed myself to step out on faith and take chances.

Wow. The worse part is although I have, on more than one occasion, stated affirmatively and with even an air of arrogance that I have been upfront and honest and put myself out there in my relationships, I now realize that I maybe I have not. My friend said that I have stepped up to the plate, but have not taken a single swing at any of the balls that may have come my way. I told my friend that I didn’t see the balls. She said I was just too afraid to look. She said that I am truly ready to move on and enter into a real relationship again when I am ready to step out on faith and say how I feel. Worse, she said, that in the past I had always been able to step out on faith and take a chance on love.

She told me that it is not enough for me to want a relationship, I have to be willing to accept the pain that may come if it doesn’t work. I told her I had written that I was willing to love even if it meant I might get hurt. She said it is one thing to say you are ready. It is another to take the steps and show that you are ready. She asked what steps I had taken. I told her all the things I had done. She said, "that’s nice," but that none of the things I said showed a willingness to actually put myself out there. She said all I had done was make it easy for someone else to put themselves out there to me. She asked me since when did I become one of those women who wants to be rescued by a knight in shining armor. She said that had never been me and I insisted that it was not who I was now. “Good”, she said. “prove it.”

As you can imagine, our conversation was intense. We laughed and I cried. I cried remembering how much it hurt when my husband was killed. I cried to think that I might experience that pain again. I realized that I am afraid. Afraid to get hurt. Afraid to go through what I went through before. But I think even more than my fear, I do want to experience the pleasure that a good relationship can bring. I think I want that more that I am afraid.

Before we finished the conversation, she dared me to write about it in my blog. She said a true blog is about the successes and failures of the writer. She said it would not only help me, it might help others. I believe she is right (she usually is). So I took her challenge and am sharing with you our conversation. I am acknowledging that although I have repeatedly said I am ready that I have, unbeknown to myself, done everything but take that leap of faith. So now I am not only saying that I am ready, this time I will prove it. I will take action. But, I am also going to be gentle with myself and allow myself to go with the flow of things while being honest with myself about where I want things to end up.

This week, for real, step out in faith and tell someone how you feel (boss, family, friend, lover). You may be glad you did.

Take risks: if you win, you will be happy; if you lose, you will be wise.

Author Unknown

Why not go out on a limb? Isn't that where the fruit is?

Frank Scully

A Spiritual Journey - apologies and forgiving yourself

02. Apologies

By Angela

I hate being a blue. It means I have a tendency to get in a funk, sometimes for no discernible reason. Well, I have been in one, off and on, for the last week or so. Today, I reached my base line; which, for me, is often a moment of revelation. Today, I remembered my spiritual journey to reach the place where I am the better me. So I tried to look at my unhappy place to see what I could do to improve my mood. I had already spent the morning saying thanks. But, I had failed at visualizing. I was feeling fat and ugly and I just did not want to meditate. This is usually about the time I start beating up on myself about everything and anything.

I was on my path of self-destruction when I remembered (don't know why) one positive thing that had happened this week. I had an extensive, positive, loving conversation with NM. We had not spoken to each other (at least by phone) for a long time. Looking back, I think it was because we were both overwhelmed by life and unable (for once) to turn to each other for help. I think we were also mad with each other over minor issues and both of us felt we were in the right and waiting on the other to apologize for our imagined wrong. But I followed The Language Of Apology by Gary Chapman. That is why I think we were now able to engage in such a great phone conversation and why we are now on our way to regaining our loving relationship.

In The Language Of Apology, Gary Chapman basically says that each of us has a specific language of apology and that no matter how sorry we are, if we do not express it in the appropriate language for the appropriate person, they will not feel that we are truly sorry.
The five languages of apology are 1) expressing regret - saying I am sorry; 2) accepting responsibility - saying I was wrong; 3) Making restitution - asking what can I do to make it better; 4) genuinely repenting - saying I will not do it again and meaning it; and 5) requesting forgiveness - saying please forgive me. He also says that in order to apologize we have to forgive as well.

After listening to him speak about the languages, I decided to forgive NM for any wrongs I may have felt about the situation. Then I decided to apologize to NM and I used all of the languages of apology. When I first apologized, I felt that my apology was not accepted. But, as time has passed and we have interacted with each other more and even called each other, it feels as if we have each managed to move on and are both trying to find our way back to each other. So now when I look at our last conversation, I smile. I guess I have learned many things from this experience. Most importantly, sincere apologies work, even if they are not made or accepted immediately. Also, we can apologize to and forgive ourselves.

What is my point about all of this? I have decided to apologize to and forgive myself for the way I treat myself when I am in a funk. So today, I am sorry I do not allow myself to acknowledge my unhappiness and freely move on from it without mistreating myself. I am wrong for blaming myself for everything. I vow to not do it anymore and to not abuse myself if I sometimes fall. I ask myself for forgiveness, I forgive myself and I am taking myself out to dinner tomorrow night as my act of restitution.

So, today, forgive yourself for any wrongs you may have endured at your own hands. Find someone you owe an apology to and sincerely apologize to them. Genuinely accept another's apology. And, love yourself enough to let it go and move on.

Apology is a lovely perfume; it can transform the clumsiest moment into a gracious gift. ~Margaret Lee Runbeck, US author 1905-1956