Spiritual Journey

SPIRITUAL JOURNEY
.14 More on The Invitation

HAVE YOU TOUCHED THE CENTER OF YOUR SORROW
By Angela

"It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain. I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it."

-- from The Invitation, Oriah Mountain dreamer --

I have done all of those things and then some. I have experienced deep sorrow and ultimate betrayal by life. I have closed myself off from fear of further pain. I have just sat with my pain. Years ago, my uncle, a New York City hospital officer was gunned down by a major Columbian drug lord. Years later, my husband, a New York City police officer, was gunned down in the line of duty and my father, who was suffering through two kinds of cancer, died the very next day. At the time, my daughter was a little girl, and my husband and I were trying to have another child...

Those two events were so devastating that at times, all I could do was acknowledge the pain; all I could do was endure. The pain was so overwhelming, I shut down. I don’t even remember most of the events of the year following the deaths of my husband and father. And, when my life began to take on some form of normalcy again, I consciously chose to close myself off from further pain. I let no newcomers into my circle of friends and refused to have any dealings with men. I said I would never date again, never fall in love again.If that wasn't enough, some of the people in my circle and my husband’s circle could not handle what happened and stopped dealing with my daughter and me. They said that being around us was a constant reminder of what happened and they could not handle that. So they chose to stop being in our lives. They were people who were important to me, but more than that; people who were important to my daughter. We learned to live without the two most important men in our lives and the absence of long-held friendships.

So, I have sat with pain, and just endured. I have closed myself off to avoid further pain. I have done all that. But, in the end, I learned to let go. First, I made new friends. Then, I freed myself of the bonds that the fear of the pain of loss cause and am now I am in a place of hope. I am now open to love; I am open to giving and receiving love. Hell, I’m even open to the knowledge that taking a chance on love also means the possibility of experiencing sorrow all over again... though I hope that doesn't happen. Was letting go easy? Hell, no it wasn’t. Some of the people who were very close to my family dealt with the deaths by drinking to excess - a sure fire way to avoid facing pain. Some refused to cry, prided themselves on never shedding a tear. Even I even went through a period when I refused to cry. After all, many of us have been taught that tears are a sign of weakness. And, for a while, I was actually unable to cry. But one day, I was caught off guard and I cried. No, I sobbed...great, big, gut-wrenching tears. You know, painful, nose running, hiccup-causing, can’t see or breathe tears...tears so intense you feel like they will never stop. Yes, I cried those tears, and from then on, it was easier to cry. And I must admit, I still sometimes cry and it still hurts. But I believe that moment was the beginning of my cleansing and healing.

In the end, I think the most healing moments came when I just sat with my pain. It was like my skin for such a long time, it was hard not to acknowledge it. But, I mean I really sat with my pain; I examined it; I spoke to it; I let it speak to me. Those moments gave me insight into many aspects of my life, my marriage, my husband and my father. Those moments also gave me insight into where I was with my pain, Those moments are where I eventually found hope. Those moments are where I began to let go.

This week, examine your life. Are there areas of pain you have chosen not to deal with? Pull those painful memories out and begin to tackle them head on. Face your pain, acknowledge it, sit with it, speak to it. Cry if you can. Then determine to conquer your pain and let it go. First acknowledge there is a thing called hope that you can rely on. If you can do this, you can begin to move on.

Good morning heartache / Here we go again / Good morning heartache / 

You're the one who knew me when / Might as well get use to you / 

hanging around / Good morning heartache / Sit down 

-- written by Irene Higgenbotham, Ervin Drake, and Dan Fisher originally recorded by jazz singer Billie Holiday in 1946) --

Today's Affirmation

I give thanks that I am awake and aware to the absolute delights of being on this plane and in this body, of loving and being loved, seeing God in everything and in everyone. I understand and accept that it is all magical, unknowable, perfect, and all mine!



Rev. Nancy Zala (innervisions@agapelive.com)

A Word to the Wise...

Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.

A.A. Milne, Winnie the Pooh

Affirmation:

I rise in gratitude to all that is, opening my eyes, my heart and my mind, receptive to the good that awaits this day.

Peggy Zimmerman

SPIRITUAL JOURNEY (DIVORCE)

DIVORCE PERSPECTIVE
JC’s Interview; Part Four

By Angela

This is the final installment in JC’s Interview. When we left off, he was ready to move on with his life and enter a new, positive stage. His story finishes here. And at the end, JC has some words of wisdom to share. I hope they help those of you out there going through what he went through and is still going through.

Okay. It is three years later. Do you think you can fall in love?
Anything is possible.

Do you want to fall in love again?
Yeah. Part of me does.

Why?
It feels good. It’s a rush. You go home and you’re on the phone all night long. That whole, “I can’t wait to see you“. That - a storm is coming and all the lights are out but who cares, we’re with each other.

What about the part of you that doesn’t?
That’s the part I’m working on.

Well, why does that part of you not want to?
Just the fear: The fear of losing. The fear that I am not younger anymore. There is a difference between getting your heart broken at twenty and at thirty and at forty. But when you get to fifty years old and you gotta go through stuff, that’s no good. I don’t want to do that. I understand that there is nothing guaranteed in life but I don’t want to go through those things again.

So, do you believe in marriage?
Yeah.

Would you get married again?
It depends. I wouldn’t want to get married for the sake of getting married. I would want to be married because I want to be with that person.

Do you believe in forever?
No, I don’t believe in forever. I believe in shooting for forever,

What do you wish you knew before you got married?
I wish I knew how to communicate better. I wish I could have seen the signs that there were problems in the marriage and been able to address them.

What do you wish you knew before you got divorced?
How to fight. How to fight for my marriage. I think, had I fought hard enough, she would have never left and we could have gotten through this. Had we fought together, I think we could have crushed whatever it was that was in front of us. I think, when marriages are good, they are unstoppable. And I think, if you put your minds together to fight for it, you can have it. But when they are bad, it’s like sleeping with the enemy because you know all their weaknesses and they know all yours. And you know you can’t put up a shield because the enemy is working from the onside out. Yet, in our situation, I think we could have persevered.

Even though she wanted to be with another man?
Right. I have this sixth sense, I think she didn’t really want to be with this guy. I think the fact that he treated her in a way that I wasn’t was what attracted her to him. But had I known beforehand and fought for her, she would have never left.

You still love your wife.
Do I love her? There’s a place in my heart for her.

It sounds like you still love your wife.
But would I go back to her? No.

Really? I don’t believe you.
My life is different. It is so different now from then. And whatever we had, that was that time and this is a different time and I don’t feel the pull and I don’t feel the draw of going back to her. I can look at it and say that was a good time, a wonderful time. But I don’t have that pull anymore where I wanna get back to that.

If you could, what would you have done differently?
I wouldn‘t work so much,. That’s for sure. Working two and three jobs is not healthy for your marriage. Not in this day and age. Maybe it worked in my parent‘s time, but not for today’s marriages. Somebody is gonna feel like they are losing out. Working all those jobs is not healthy. When do you have time to be with your mate? When do you have time to talk to your mate? When do you have time to build that strong bond? You don’t.

What do you wish someone had told you about how to handle life after the divorce?
I wish that somebody would have constantly been in my ear about not being afraid to talk to somebody or get help. I wish there had been somebody more consistent about telling me things like, “you need someone who can help you articulate what you are going through," “maybe you should write something down about your feelings from day to day," or “maybe you should join a group for divorced men because you need to see men at all the stages of divorce, men in the beginning and the middle as well as men who have made it through.” I never got that.

What did you learn?
I am a lot stronger than I think I am. I learned that I can change my life when properly motivated.

What piece of advice would you give to someone getting married?
Learn everything there is to learn about being in a marriage the proper way. Make sure you are not getting married for the sake of being married but because every fiber of your being wants to be with that person. Make sure you are willing to treat that person the way you want to be treated at all times and in all phases of your life. If you can do that, then you should get married.

What piece of advice would you give to a man getting a divorce?
I would ask him, “have you explored every avenue that there is to keep your marriage together“. My belief is that marriage is the foundation of civilization. When you say you love somebody, you fight for them. But when all else fails, you must do the right thing. If you have children, you must take care of them. If you have no children, look at it as a business deal being dissolved because, when it is over, since you have no children together, you don’t have to see each other ever again. I would say, “you have to do what is best for you to move on“. That doesn’t mean crush the other person. It doesn’t mean destroy the next person. It means moving on so that both parties get what they need. Besides, if you destroy the other person, you are really destroying yourself. And at the end of the day, you still won’t have what you want. So, that is when you can start healing yourself. Right then, during the divorce, you can start healing.

And what recommendation would you give to start healing?
Seek professional help. And if they don’t have the money or insurance , seek a religious leader who deals with marriage counseling and is not an extremist. And make sure you see them regularly and often. Think how long you were married. You were in it twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. Well, it is going to take a while for you to be okay.

Do you have anything to add? Is there anything else you want to say?
I just hope this helps somebody. That’s all I can do…. help somebody who might not know what to do.

Thank you.

SPIRITUAL JOURNEY

.24 New Year possibility
by ASD

So it is three months into the new year. In the new year I usually make a list of things I want to accomplish and see how long I can stick to it. But this year I have been unable to follow through with my usual method of operation. I have been in a sort of malaise since roughly November. The end of the year is usually hard for me - lots of people close to me have, over the years, died or gotten very sick from the end of November through the end of December. I find the holidays to be bittersweet. This year was even harder for me. I lost my muse, realized a friendship was over and had to accept that some of the things I was working on will not be as I want them to be, at least not yet.

Sitting down to my computer has been a challenge. Actually writing my journey practically impossible. Sharing my thought and feelings actually impossible. But I am an optimist at heart and so I have finally been able to accept the changes that life has brought me and am now ready to begin again, with a new attitude and renewed vigor - well no real vigor yet. I must admit I am still working on that. But, because this is a blog about my journey, I shall endeavor to attempt to share some of what has happened to me in the last few months. Perhaps writing about it will help me gain deeper clarity and closure. Perhaps my telling you will help some of you, if you are going through similar things.

First, my muse. I love to write. I keep a journal which I write in regularly. I write short essays, poetry , songs and prose. I find it helps me to stay grounded and keeps me true to me. I also write this blog. Every now and then, someone comes along who inspires me. They say things I feel, or things I totally disagree with. Either way, they force me to look at things differently. I had a muse for a little while. It was nice. It made getting to my computer fun, inspiring and challenging. But my muse has left. My muse just stopped talking to me, sharing with me. My muse moved on. While I would have loved advance notice, that did not happen. My muse just vacated the building without a good-bye. So I have not been eager to sit and write - a rarity even for me. I think I got used to my muse without even realizing it. Hell, it took me a long time to even realize I had a muse. But I have accepted the end, am appreciative for the time I had and am now ready to move on alone. Change and learning to let go is apparently a never ending process with me. I just hope I get better with each ending, with each change.

Next. My friendship. I keep seeing previews for the movie He’s Just Not That Into You and I think of my situation. Whether a romantic relationship or a friend relationship, all relationships involve feelings. I spent two years working on a one-sided friendship. I knew it at the time. I even confronted my friend about it. They always denied that it was one-sided. I should have walked away. I never did. I always believed perfection was just around the corner. I believed if it was important to me, it must be important to them. But they brought their representative to the friendship. Anyway, I gave them an ultimatum and they actually stepped up to the plate. But when I did what they asked of me, they never responded. When I got in touch with them they were polite but they never made any attempts to get in touch with me. It was as thought the ultimatum forced them to look at us and realize they did not want to be friends. Once again, they did not tell me. They also just walked away. That hurt. I guess it is not something that I am used to.

But I have let that go. Trust , it wasn’t easy. Friendships are important to me. I don’t make a lot because I don’t necessarily trust people. But I did trust this person. I felt safe with this person. I believed in the goodness of this person. I believed in our friendship. I did miss this person when we stopped talking, but I have learned when people can walk away without a backwards glance it means they were never into you in the first place and that the absence of your friendship in their life is their loss and not yours. So I looked back, know I gave it my best and then I let it go and I moved on. Easy - no. Necessary - yes. Done - for the most part. It’s like I say. Letting go is a constant process. We let go of the old to make room for the new. But I keep the memories of the good . There is always good.

Finally. I spent the last year making attempts to mend some bridges. Some of my mending has been very successful and some has not. The bridges I have not been able to mend left me feeling fragile and lost. But I evaluated my actions and decided I had done the best I could do. I had taken steps to reach out but had not really gotten a positive reaction. It is clear to me that we are all at different points of growth in our lives. Sometimes the answer is to let go and try again later. When they are ready. That is what I am doing. I am letting it go for now. I will try again later. I don’t believe in giving up. I am beginning to realize that today is not always the time. Sometimes the answer is tomorrow.

The one thing this holiday season has reminded me is this. Sometimes you think a door is slamming you in the face when it is really trying to open wide to the possibilities and opportunities of tomorrow but you are standing in its way. I am firmly relieving that I have been standing in the doorway of my better today. I am finally moving aside to let possibility in.

S0 ….. Happy New Year. And, while I don’t believe in resolutions I do believe in possibility. So, here’s to the new year and the possibility it brings. I hope you all stand aside and let your doors swing wide open. I do believe in possibility. I hope you do too.

“Another fresh new year is here . . . Another year to live! To banish worry, doubt, and fear, To love and laugh and give!
This bright new year is given me To live each day with zest . . . To daily grow and try to be My highest and my best!
I have the opportunity Once more to right some wrongs, To pray for peace, to plant a tree, And sing more joyful songs!”

William Arthur Ward (1921-1994 American scholar, author, editor, pastor and teacher)

SPIRITUAL JOURNEY (DIVORCE)

DIVORCE PERSPECTIVE
JC’s Interview; Part Three

By Angela

When we left off, in Part Three of JC‘s Interview, he was trying to find a way to go on with his life with no guidance or advice. He was putting on a front of normalcy but not functioning adequately at work, sleeping indiscriminately with women and drinking way too much. His feelings of devastation and betrayal are eating him up inside. He is barely holding on. His story continues.


So from January to April you lead a life of devastation. You drank too much and slept with women in an indiscriminate manner. Is that correct?
Yes.

But you say that changed after April. What happened?
A new phase began for me. After we sold the house, I decided I was going to buy a condo. But my father convinced me to move back home.

How did that change things?
I was still devastated. Still drinking. Still sleeping around. But I began to question my life. What was I going to do with my life now? I knew I had to find a better way to deal with my situation. I knew I had to find something to keep me busy.

What did you decide to do?
That summer I decided I wanted to go back to school. And, when I went back to my high school to get my transcripts, I ran into a friend who pointed me in the direction of education, since I worked part-time with kids.

Did you follow through?
Yes. I quit my trucking job and began going to community college full time. That kept me busy, kept me involved. And I made my part-time job, working with kids in group homes, my full time job.

Did that change your life?
Well, I cut back drastically on my drinking and hanging out. I couldn’t with school. I was working hard trying to get good grades and learn a lot. But I still never addressed my emotional issues. I just put those on the back burner. Unfortunately it manifested in my dating. I would date women and then cut them off. I was cold and callous. I wasn’t physically or mentally brutal but I acted as though I didn’t care. I wouldn’t let people get too close. If women tried to get close, they got hurt. If they got hurt, I didn’t care. And as far as being loyal …. Nah. That wasn’t in my vocabulary. I would date two and three women at the same time and not care if I got caught. If you caught me, I was like, ”oh well, you got me.” That was my attitude. In some cases, if she cried, I might feel bad momentarily, but, the next day, I would move on.

And, I didn’t really care if, when I got caught, they wanted to be vengeful or get even with me. If they were like, “I’m gonna get you”. I was like, “go ahead, get me”, “bring it on”. They would look at me like, “what do you mean?” But my attitude was: “what are you gonna do, slash my tires? Okay, bring it”. I wanted to be hurt. Before that, when I was going into bars, I was looking for a fight. I wanted to feel pain other than the pain that was in my heart. So with these women, it was the same thing. It was: “I’ll cut you”. “Okay.” “I’ll trash your car.” “I’ve got insurance.” they would really be like, “what is wrong with you?’ But my attitude was, “I just got my heart stepped on, so you can’t do anything worse. You wanna smack me, you wanna cuss me out, you wanna spit on me, you wanna get your cousin to beat me up, fine. I’ll be here. You know where I live.” I wanted to feel pain. I didn’t know what else to do. And if you hurt me, cool. That would give me something else to think about, something other than my wife, the woman in my life who had already done so much damage to me.

Was your wife still your primary focus?
I may have denied it then but, yes. She was my primary focus. In everything I did. Even going back to school. My whole motivation was to prove that she messed up. All my anger and everything I poured into my schoolwork. My first semester, I took seven classes and finished with a 3.7 index. Now you’re talking about somebody who hadn’t been to school in twenty years and when he was in school had a C average. So I was that focused. When I started, I was computer illiterate but by the end of the first semester, I was doing power point presentations.

But I was determined to prove what I could do. Especially since one of the ways she communicated with the man she cheated on me with was through the computer. But, because I was computer illiterate, I never picked up on it. I thought she was just paying bills and she was paying bills but she was also sending him e-mails.

How else did you change your life?
As I said, I quit my trucking job and began working full time as a child care worker. And even though it was a pay cut, I no longer wanted to drive a truck. And I continued to date and drink in my spare time.

Were you still unwilling to let women in?
Yes

Still devastated?
Yes

Still with no one to talk to?
Yes

So, the only areas of your life that were improving were work and school?
Yes.

And are they still improving?
Yes. I have been promoted to managerial staff at the treatment center. I now attend a teaching school and am doing well. I have maintained an academic scholarship. I belong to various academic, national, and community service clubs and organizations. I am also on the board of directors of a not-for-profit organization.

In light of all of your accomplishments, what are your feelings toward your ex-wife, now?
I still miss what we had. I miss who she was. But now, it is almost as if she is a different person to me. I don’t know if that is real or perceived, but I look at her as two different people. The person I know today is different from the woman I knew. When we talk, it’s almost as if I’m talking to a new woman, someone totally different. I don’t know if it’s because I can’t handle the possibility of a blended woman but I do see her as two different people. And when we talked, we talked about surface things and the conversations lasted no more than five minutes.


So ends Part Three of JC’s interview. It is good to see that, in spite of his emotional state, he is able to see improvement in his life. I always find it interesting, the things that motivate us to improve our lot in life. Sometimes we spend so much time questioning the how and why that we lose sight of the positive in our life. I am glad he did not focus so much on the negative that he let a positive slip away. Next time, Part Four of JC’s interview.

Words of Wisdom for 2009 from Eckhart Tolle

A Happier You

By Eckhart Tolle

The greatest goal you can set this year is to make peace with your life, no matter your circumstances. These 10 powerful insights from Eckhart Tolle will get you started.

1. Don't seek happiness. If you seek it, you won't find it, because seeking is the antithesis of happiness. Happiness is ever elusive, but freedom from unhappiness is attainable now, by facing what is rather than making up stories about it.
2. The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it. Be aware of the thoughts you are thinking. Separate them from the situation, which is always neutral, which always is as it is. There is the situation or the fact, and here are my thoughts about it. Instead of making up stories, stay with the facts. For example, "I am ruined" is a story. It limits you and prevents you from taking effective action. "I have 50 cents left in my bank account" is a fact. Facing facts is always empowering.
3. See if you can catch the voice in your head, perhaps in the very moment it complains about something, and recognize it for what it is: the voice of the ego, no more than a thought. Whenever you notice that voice, you will also realize that you are not the voice, but the one who is aware of it. In fact, you are the awareness that is aware of the voice. In the background, there is the awareness. In the foreground, there is the voice, the thinker. In this way you are becoming free of the ego, free of the unobserved mind.
4. Wherever you look, there is plenty of circumstantial evidence for the reality of time—a rotting apple, your face in the bathroom mirror compared with your face in a photo taken 30 years ago—yet you never find any direct evidence, you never experience time itself. You only ever experience the present moment.
5. Why do anxiety, stress, or negativity arise? Because you turned away from the present moment. And why did you do that? You thought something else was more important. One small error, one misperception, creates a world of suffering.
6. People believe themselves to be dependent on what happens for their happiness. They don't realize that what happens is the most unstable thing in the universe. It changes constantly. They look upon the present moment as either marred by something that has happened and shouldn't have or as deficient because of something that has not happened but should have. And so they miss the deeper perfection that is inherent in life itself, a perfection that lies beyond what is happening or not happening. Accept the present moment and find the perfection that is untouched by time.
7. The more shared past there is in a relationship, the more present you need to be; otherwise, you will be forced to relive the past again and again.
8. Equating the physical body with "I," the body that is destined to grow old, wither, and die, always leads to suffering. To refrain from identifying with the body doesn't mean that you no longer care for it. If it is strong, beautiful, or vigorous, you can appreciate those attributes—while they last. You can also improve the body's condition through nutrition and exercise. If you don't equate the body with who you are, when beauty fades, vigor diminishes, or the body becomes incapacitated, this will not affect your sense of worth or identity in any way. In fact, as the body begins to weaken, the light of consciousness can shine more easily.
9. You do not become good by trying to be good, but by finding the goodness that is already within you and allowing that goodness to emerge.
10. If peace is really what you want, then you will choose peace.

Exerpted from Oneness with All Life by Eckhart Tolle. Published by arrangement with Dutton, a member of Penguin Group (USA), Inc. Copywright © 2008 by Eckhart Tolle (See http://www.oprah.com/article/spirit/inspiration/200901_omag_tolle_happier; see also http://www.eckharttolle.com/eckharttolle)

SPIRITUAL JOURNEY (DIVORCE)

DIVORCE PERSPECTIVE
JC’s Interview; Part Two

By Angela

When we left off, in Part Two of JC’s Interview, he had just told his family that he had gotten a divorce from his wife. It only took three months for he and his now ex-wife to get a divorce. Though their divorce was quick his pain and feelings of devastation and betrayal were not. The emotional toil was long lasting. His story continues.

You said you were devastated by this divorce. Describe that feeling for me.
At the time, I was a truck driver. There would be times when I would be on the highway and I would be so hurt (I don’t cry, I’m not a crier) …. and my stomach would be so tore up, and my whole body would hurt and I would have no energy so that I couldn’t shift gears. I would literally have to force myself to shift gears. I couldn’t function. It was almost like when I was little and my mother would have to leave me somewhere and I didn’t want her to.
That was how I felt. But I was no longer five. I was thirty-something years old. I couldn’t sit in a corner somewhere and cry. I had to just deal with it. I had to man up because I was a truck driver. I was supposed to be a big guy, tough. Yet there would be days when I would be just that crushed. I don’t even know how I got through the day. I don’t know. I just know that I did and when that day was over, I wasn’t going home because we still lived in the same house. But, I wasn’t going to leave because I was the one paying most of the bills.
Instead, I would go to the bar. Sometimes I picked up somebody and sometimes I didn’t. I didn’t
care one way or the other. Sometimes I’d end up in a hotel. Sometimes I didn’t. It didn’t matter to me. I really couldn’t have cared less.

What do you think of everything that happened, now, when you look back on it?
Again, I should be dead or locked up. I just didn’t care about anything, one way or the other. And at that point, unfortunately, I was not dealing with my emotions. I didn’t start dealing with my emotions until later on. Even then, I didn’t know how to deal with them properly. I guess I just sort of …. went with the flow.

But looking back on it, I don’t even know how I got through it. It was that bad. You know; your son, the boy you raised to be a man, is incarcerated, the woman you loved since you were in your early twenties is with another man, you’re now middle-aged and …. you don’t know what to do with yourself. So, you’re vulnerable. And, even though you think you are strong, you’re not. You’re just totally vulnerable. I guess between October and when we finally said our last good-byes, in April, that’s where I was. I was vulnerable.

I know what happened between October and January. But, what happened between January, when your divorce was finalized, and April?
We sold the house and she got engaged, so I had to deal with watching her with an engagement ring on her finger, in my house.

How was that?
You. know, you always wonder what you did to deserve it. I mean we’ve all done stuff in our past that we think ….. well….. I mean, you wonder what you did to deserve it. You think, ‘it must have been something in my past because this is just not fair“. Most men would have choked her. I told her, “I don’t know what’s gonna happen with you and this next guy, but if you do to him what you’re doing to me …. I don’t know how he’s gonna react to it, but I think some men would try to hurt you.”

What things did she do to you? Other than want to divorce you?
She was belligerent, verbally disrespectful. One minute she’d wanna play the divorced role and then the next minute she’d try to be the wife. I was like, “let’s not be confused.” Because at that point, I was really finding things out. And I don’t know if she was doing it to make me angry on purpose, but….

For example, I’d ask her about the engagement ring on her finger and she would say, “oh no, that’s nothing”. but, I’d be like, “a big diamond ring on your hand. It means something”.

How did you feel about that?
I didn’t have much to say to her. I was just hurt, angry and I didn’t care. I didn’t really have a plan. I just got through it, day by day, the best way that I could.

Did you try to get her to stay?
My whole thing is, I didn’t want to be divorced. But, I’ve never been one to force anybody like “you’re gonna stay” or make threats. Everybody is a free agent. So I felt I had to suck it up and just deal with the fact that she was making a choice.

If you didn’t try to get her to stay, what did you do?
The only thing I could do was respond by being a husband ‘til the end. Which is crazy but I had a friend of mine tell me to. This one day, when I had decided I was gonna be a real jerk to her, he told me, “just don’t. If she asks you for things like to change the oil in her car or to do this or that, keep doing it. When it is all said and done, she can never say you denied her“. So, on top of everything and while watching this woman, who was supposed to be my wife, become engaged to someone else, I still did my husbandly duties.

So now, it’s April; you are divorced, your wife is engaged and the two of you have finally said your good-byes- if someone had asked you if you were optimistic about your future, what would you have said?
I would have told them yes. But inside, I didn’t think there was a future for me. Outside I would have been like, “yeah, I’m good. I‘m gonna do this. I‘m gonna do that.” But inside, I had no motivation to do anything.

And your ex-wife?
She moved out and moved in with him. He lived in a different state. And a year later they got married. We haven’t seen each other since she moved and I haven’t spoken to her since last August. Also I have changed my number so if she needs me, she has to get in touch with me through my mother. I‘m, now, just trying to keep it moving..

You said earlier, you put on a front of normalcy. Why?
I think you put on a front because you don’t want to look soft or less than a man. Also, society does force you into a category. If you don’t look like you are going to pick up the pieces, society is like, ”oh, wow, he’s not doing good“, he’s devastated” as opposed to, ”hey, he’s doing alright,” ”he’s bouncing back”. With society, it’s almost a type of peer pressure. So you’re like, “okay, let me act like I can pick up the pieces”, “let me act like I’m moving forward”. When actually, I’ve moved backwards. When actually, I need some serious, serious help.

Why do you say you needed serious help?
When you are divorced, it’s like a death. But it continues over and over and over because that person is still around, somewhere. And, if you put years into it, that is all you know. That adds a burden. It is devastating. You have trust issues. You’re, emotionally, a wreck. A total wreck. With me or maybe with men, it doesn’t manifest itself the way it would with a woman. Maybe we put on such a front that it makes everything even worse and makes it harder for us to deal with life and relationships. But, it’s done! It’s over when it comes to having a healthy relationship. So I needed help.

If you felt emotionally devastated why did you not reach out for some kind of help?
I didn’t want help because I didn’t want the stigma of mental illness. I come from a family of law enforcement and one of the things you are asked during the interview process (to get a position in law enforcement) is whether you have a history of mental illness. Sometimes, in those fields, they don’t distinguish between actual mental illness and therapy for other reasons. They see therapy and they assume mental illness. They assume medication and mental problems. And, because I am a black man, I already have a strike against me. Now, they have that and that I have sought therapy. I refuse to have that on my record. I refuse to have to deal with that stigma, on or off the record.

So, do you think the divorce process was harder for you to deal with because you are a man? Because you are a black man?
Yes, I do.

In what way?
As black men, there are issues that we have with each other and with our families that have not been addressed. So, when it comes to a divorced, middle-class, black man’s issues, those really don’t get addressed. Nobody addresses those issues. I come from suburbia. I’m just a regular man, in a middle class situation, with a family and a home, who’s divorced. Who’s devastated. I hate to say it but nobody really cares. Nobody cares about a thirty-something man with divorce issues. And particularly a black man. That’s how I felt.

Was there no one you could talk to? No one you could turn to?
I had no way of articulating how I felt. I had no one, professionally, I could come to - another black man, that is. I didn’t know any professional black men who could give me some help. I didn’t have a religious leader I could turn to. I didn’t know anyone who had gone through it, been divorced some years, and come through to the other side. The people I knew, the people I leaned on, they were going through the same things I was going through. There was no resource that I knew of. So I just dealt with it on my own.

Did no one offer you help?
The people that offered me help, the people that wanted to help me, were women. They all had ulterior motives. For example, the women that I met and talked to, a lot of them were just waiting for me to get over it, so they could move in and be the next wife. But they had no clue what I was going through. I found that most of the women I met had never been through what I had gone through. They had never been married or had only been married for a short term - some one year, some two years.. They had never had that steady husband in the bedroom, around the house, helping with the household, raising kids. They had no clue as to what I was dealing with.


As you can see, JC truly loved his wife and was devastated by his separation and ultimate divorce. What I find sad, he was unable to turn to anyone for help, comfort, support or advice. What I find sadder, people actually believed because he was a man, he should be able to, in effect, take it on the chin and keep steppin'. What I find even sadder, he accepted that assumption and so never truly reached out for help and had to deal with this alone. Next time, part three of JC‘s interview.

SPIRITUAL JOURNEY (DIVORCE)

DIVORCE PERSPECTIVE
JC’s Interview; Part One

By Angela

My next interview is with a man who has been divorced for three years. I shall call him JC. He has had a hard time and is still recovering. Here are some things you should know about him. He is a former truck driver. He knew his ex-wife for five years before they married. They were married for seven years before she asked him for a divorce. Their marriage produced no children although she had one child from a prior relationship. They were separated for three months before their divorce was finalized. He is still single. This is his story.

Your wife was the one who asked for a divorce, right? How did it happen?
She came to me one Friday night in October and said she wanted a divorce. She said we were growing apart; that we weren’t growing together and that the marriage was stagnant.

Did you have any prior indications that she wanted a divorce?
No.

This was a total surprise?
Yes

How long were you separated?
Three months. She asked me for a divorce in October. We were divorced December 31st and the final papers came in January.

How did you manage to finalize things so quickly?
I consented to the divorce and we split everything. She took the furniture, I took the car

What was your reaction when she said she wanted a divorce?
I didn‘t believe her at first. I told her we should just separate for a while. She could do whatever it was she needed to do and when she was ready, she could come back. The house and I would be there and we could move on.

What was her response?
She wanted a divorce. She cried and said, “please let me have a divorce. Don‘t give me any problems.”

What did you do?
I didn’t contest. But I still left it open for her. If she wanted to work it out, we could work it out.

Describe the three months that you were separated.
She lived upstairs, in the bedroom. I lived downstairs, in our son’s old room. I had my own bathroom. We started living separate lives. That’s when I started finding out why she wanted a divorce...

Which was?
The other man that was in her life. She wanted to leave me for him. She is married to him now.

I must ask again. Were there no clues, no indications of any kind that she was unhappy?
She was unhappy but so was I. I thought we could work it out. I didn’t think she was seeing anybody else. I had no indications that she was seeing someone else. I just thought we were both stressed out because our son was getting into a lot of trouble. I thought maybe that was the factor that was stressing us. I thought that we would get past that.

Did you two talk about the issues?
Yes we did. There were days when I did not want to talk and days when she did not want to talk, and days when we both did not want to talk. When we did talk, it was mostly about our son and paying bills.

So was there no real talk between the two of you?
She eventually told me that she had emotional needs. She told me I didn’t tell her how beautiful she was, I didn’t tell her how much I cared for her. I told her I loved her, every day, more than once a day. But I didn’t tell her the things she needed to hear to make her feel good about herself

But I had emotional needs, too. And she didn’t tell me the things she wanted me to tell her, either. I was under stress. I was working two jobs, working seven days a week. But, at the time, there was so much happening that we both couldn’t see what was right in front of us. No one was being abused, we were not disrespecting each other, at least as far as I knew. We were still doing the household and family things that needed to be done. As far as I was concerned, she was my best friend and I was hers. We just allowed things to get between us - like our son, our friends….

At that point, would you have taken her back?
At the beginning sure. But not at that point. Not when I found out that other people knew there was another man. Then, all bets were off. Even then, though, I thought about it. I weighed it out, because this was the only person I had ever loved. And people make mistakes. You could be married for thirty years or forever, and you still have to work things out. Divorce was never in my vocabulary.

How did you cope?
I started hanging out more often after work with the other truck drivers. And I held on for the sake of holding on, I guess, just to get through it. But once the papers came in and the house was sold, and I was left with, pretty much, nothing, I felt nothing.

How did your family react when you told them you were getting a divorce?
They didn’t know. I didn’t tell them until the divorce was finalized. Then it was the usual: “you’ll be okay”, “everything will be alright”, “you’ll move on”, “good thing you didn’t have any kids together.”

Do you feel they were supportive?
In their own way. I guess they did the best they could. I never asked for any help and they never offered.

Why?
I’ve always been like, "I’ll be okay. I’ll take this one on the chin and keep it moving.” So, they were like, “J. will be all right.” I think they felt I would just take it like a man and keep going. They had no clue what I was going through.

What about your friends?
Same thing. Two of my friends were going through the same thing. They were helpful. Well, not really. They were bitter, so they did the best they could with what they knew. They said things like, "it will be alright”, “forget her”, “move on.” Some said "it takes a while.” One friend said, "do your thing.” And, one said, “you shouldn’t date at all.”

What did you do different while you were separated?
I still went to work. But I drank constantly. I was devastated. I didn’t do any drugs, but I ate a lot and drank a lot. I’d go to a bar at about six or seven o’clock in the evening and stay ‘til it closed. That would be my Monday through Friday.

How did you get home?
I drove home. I made it home. God was with me, because there were several nights when I would be in the parking lot, passed out, with the engine running. I should be dead or locked up but God was with me.


And so concludes Part One of my interview with JC. It is clear this divorce was, at least for JC, totally unexpected and devastating. It is a shame he felt there was no one he could turn to for help and support. That is what is most needed during times of great adversity, what he most needed. Next time, more of my interview with JC.

SPIRITUAL JOURNEY (THANKSGIVING)

HAPPY THANKSGIVING
by Angela Skeete-Davis

Once again it is time for Thanksgiving. I love Thanksgiving … sharing a meal with people I love, some of whom I only get to see during the holidays. I also love cooking for thanksgiving and for the people I love; watching everyone enjoy the meal, and eating all the different foods at a thanksgiving feast ( some that I only eat during Thanksgiving). But most of all, I enjoy taking the time to go over the past year and say thanks for all the blessings of the year and then putting out there my wishes for the next twelve months …. Or so. So here a few of the things I am thankful for this year and a few of my wishes for the next twelve months or so.

I am thankful for my mother and daughter. I am thankful for my family, my extended family, my church family, my neighbors, my mentors, my coaches and my friends. I am thankful for the health of my mothers and daughter. I am thankful for the success of my sister and brother and I am thankful for my new nephew.

I am thankful for the young people and children in my life. I wish them lots of happiness and laughter. I am thankful for the older people in my life. I wish them peace of mind, very little pain and lots of love and support. I am thankful for the men in my life. I wish them the ability to conceive of the life they would love to live and the opportunity and ability to manifest that life. I am thankful for the women in my life. I wish them lots of love and happiness and the opportunity to live the life they dream of.

I am thankful for all the people who have come and gone in my life: my father, husband, sister, aunts, uncles, mentors, children and friends. I am thankful for the ability to see, hear, taste, touch, smell, think, run, jump, dance and sing. I am thankful for the ability to discern the good in my life and be appreciative of it. I am thankful for all of the blessings in my life and any future blessings. I am thankful that almost all of my needs and most of my wants are met and that my dreams are supported. I am thankful for my home, my animals and my car. I am thankful for a life filled with beauty, love, joy, happiness, moments of peace and laughter and I hope I make a difference in the life of others.

I am thankful to live where I live and in the era that I am living. I pray the people of the world have adequate food, drink, clothing, shelter, love, happiness and peace. I am thankful for an election that brought Obama to the White House and I wish him safety, lots of support and good health.

More than anything I am thankful to be alive and to be able to share my life with others and to give love to so many people. I am thankful to have happy, healthy, loving relationships in my life and I am thankful to all who read and support Neonu’s InSite. May you all have a very blessed and happy thanksgiving.

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.

--Melody Beattie

SPIRITUAL JOURNEY - a love angst (part one)

.22 Love Angst (Part One) by Angela Skeet Davis

This is about love. As I have said in the past, I was not going to write about love. It is not that I have anything against love. But, I wanted to write about my spiritual journey and I thought the two were separate. Quite the contrary. It seems to me that love is pretty much all we talk about. Even when we are not talking about love, we are talking about love….or sex (but that is another conversation left for another day).

Anyway, isn’t love what most of our conversations are about, at least underneath. When we complain about how others treat us, we are really complaining that they don’t treat us with love. When we look at all the “isms” and prejudices that we experience aren’t they all about someone denying us love. And when we are happy or joyful isn’t it really because something positive has happened to us that opens up our hearts to love

Maybe I am over-simplifying things. My point really is, we are made from love, for love, to love. When we deny ourselves the opportunity to experience love, in all its forms, we deny ourselves our very essence. In point of fact, we deny our spirits, our souls, ourselves the ultimate nourishment. You know, scientists have discovered that babies will die or become emotionally dysfunctional if not given love and affection the first year of their lives. So too, we die or become emotionally scarred if we are not given love, if we do not experience love. The profundity of it is almost mind-blowing.

So my question - why would we want to deny ourselves love? ...

And so many of us do, either because of bad break ups or because of broken hearts. But love is a majestic feeling. And while it can cause us to descend to the lowest of lows, it can also lift our hearts and spirits. It can bring a glow to our faces, brighten a day and ease pain. The expression “friendship doubles our joy and divides our grief” is true because friendship is based on mutual love.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I am not saying that love is perfect. It is not. Nor am I saying that all love lasts. We all know that love can end and sometimes it can end cruelly or bitterly. I recognize that sometimes the end of love can be soooo painful, can beat us up soooo badly, we never want to take a chance on love again. I just do not believe that is the answer.

That is really what I want to talk about. The immobilization that a bad end to loving can bring about. I have read many books and heard many say that we can control our emotions and that the emotions that others cause us to feel are their story and that, as such, we should be able to let go and move on with our own story. Deep inside, I know it is true - the people who break our hearts are not thinking about us or how we are feeling. Half the time, they don’t even realize that we are still lamenting that thing they said or did. So, if they can move on, we should move on. But to know it and then to believe it and act as if it true is each very different and very hard to do.

More importantly, you would think we would all want to let go of the negative effects of painful endings to love. You would think we would all want to just put them out of our minds - leaving space for the next good relationship. But we don’t. Letting go and moving on is like cleaning out the clothes in one’s closet. First, we have to make time to clean out the closet and there are always so many other things we would rather do. Then, we have to figure out what we are going to do with the things we decide to get ride of, which can be a hassle. Now, if we get past this stage and actually start to go through our closet, that is when the hard part begins. We keep things we no longer wear because we hate parting with things we have invested part of our selves in. We tell ourselves that either we are actually going to wear that one day because the style is going to come back or we are going to lose those extra pounds. In reality, it is just easier to keep what we have than deal with throwing things out. We forget getting rid of old means making space for new.

Similarly, we hold on to past relationships. They take up residence in our hearts and minds. Sometimes we believe they will come back. But, more often, we are just scared to venture back out into the world of dating and the possibility of loving again. That fear of falling in love and it failing rears its ugly head and prevents us from experiencing the wonder, beauty and happiness of love. We become cautious in spite of ourselves, because of ourselves.

I know, I know …. tell that to someone who is going through a break-up or a divorce. The pain and devastation left behind is like the work of a wrecking ball - all chaos and confusion and destruction with no hope of recovery. Yet, most of us do, eventually, learn to go on. We do eventually go on again. Granted we take with us the baggage that the ended relationship has left us with, but we move on.

What I want is for us (myself included) is to learn to let go of the baggage. At least some of it. This is one of my favorite things to do to let go and move on. Take some time and think about your relationship. Remember the good memories and take them and place them in your heart album. Then, take all the lessons you have learned and store them away in your brain to be pulled out as needed. Take what is left, grind it into grains of sand and blow it all away. It is not an easy task but with practice, it can work. What it does is allow you to let go of the negatives and keep only the positives.

“I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.”

Mother Theresa of Calcutta (August 26, 1910 to September 5, 1997

Live Video From Obama Election Night Rally in Grant Park

By Neonu Jewell

I was there for this momentous night. God blessed us with 70 degree weather (Chicago? November?); the stage was set. You have heard the stories, commentary, and seen footage. Now Click Here for my video experience of the night Illinois Senator Barack Obama became the 44th President (elect) of the United States of America. Sounds good every time, doesn't it?!

SPIRITUAL JOURNEY

.21 My November Fourth

by Angela Skeete Davis

I hope all of you have been well. I also hope all of you voted and celebrated the dawn of a new era in politics. It is truly amazing how far we have come.

My voting day was something to remember. I went to the polls with a very interesting group of voters. Two were naturalized citizens. Although each of them has been in the United States for over twenty years, neither had bothered to register to vote. Both of them felt the act to be totally pointless. However, both of them registered to vote as soon as then Senator Barack Obama became the Democratic candidate...

Both of them were up early to vote on November 4th. But because the polls were so crowded, they went to the polls later in the day with me. I asked them why they had chosen to register this time around and why they were so eager to vote. In summary they both agreed that they were proud that America had finally realized the worth of Black people, that it was an honor to be able to vote for a black person and how important it was to get out, send a message and make a difference. But they also said (the theme I heard the most of that day ) they wanted to be a part of history.

Also in my group were two older women, one was eighty-six and the other was ninety-two. The two of them were so excited to vote. They both continued to express their delight in having lived to witness not just a black man run for president, but to see a black man get the nomination of their party and then actually have a chance to win the election. They could barely contain their joy. When we arrived at the polls, the sight of all the people on line, actually waiting to vote, brought them to tears. They were overwhelmed and their joy filled me with such a sense of pride, I felt my eyes fill as well.

I also went to the polls with a young man who had just turned eighteen. It was his first time voting. He called me first thing in the morning to see if I had already voted. I hadn't. He asked if he could go with me because he had just left the polls and the were packed, but that he was impatient to get back to the polls. He said he was proud to be able to vote, proud to be able to vote for a black man, proud to be a part of history. And after he voted, he was unable to stop smiling. Later that day, when a bunch of us were talking about our voting experience, he turned and said, “It is finally true. Anyone can be anything in this country, even president of the United States. I can be anything I want. If Obama can do it, I can do it.”

I am not a senior citizen. I am not a first time voter. I am not a naturalized citizen. I have always voted and have always taken my daughter and my godson with me to vote. I have always believed my vote mattered. I have always believed black people should vote. I have always believed we can/could/would make a difference with our vote. But voting with this group of people made me proud. I am proud of them for wanting to be a part of history, proud of all the people I saw at the polls waiting to cast their vote, even if it meant hours, proud to be black, proud to be alive to witness history, proud of President Elect Barack Obama for reaching for his dreams, proud of his friends and family for supporting him, and proud of the democratic party for realizing a good man and supporting his dream. I am proud just proud.

As my girlfriend said to me, in her e-mail, the day after the election, "Welcome back America...my America, that is full of promises and hope and is once again a land that we can dream of in her greatness." Now the work really begins...

Yes We Can!
Barack Obama, President Elect of the United States of America

The Day After Obama's Victory: One Man's Thoughts

By Tajiri Smith

I hope everyone wakes up to this knowing that this has been the best 24hrs. of my life. This historic moment has made me believe that anything is possible if you put your mind and your heart to it! Regardless of who you voted for I hope that each and every one of us will sit back and understand that this is history. We can sit back and tell our kids and grand kids of this election. I hope that regardless of your prior beliefs that we will open our hearts and our minds to those of all races, religious beliefs, and sexual preferences and realize that we are still all one people living in a country of great opportunity. What we all witnessed tonight was an amazing feat, and I hope that we all can take great satisfaction in knowing that we live in a country that allows that opportunity to all! Enjoy your day knowing that "Change is Here!"

SPIRITUAL JOURNEY - Finishing up The Invitation

.21 Finishing The Invitation

By Angela Skeete Davis

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I have disappointed another so I can be true to myself and I have borne the accusation of betrayal so as not to betray my own soul. I have borne it through pain and sadness and love. It is a hard lesson to learn to be true to one’s self. But, if we are not true to our selves, how can we be true in other aspects of our life or to anyone else.

I want to know if you can see beauty, even when it’s not pretty, every day, and if you can source your own life from its presence. I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the moon, “Yes!”

Can I see beauty, even when it’s not pretty, every day, and can I source my own life from its presence? And, can I live with failure and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the moon, “Yes!” Yes! I see beauty everywhere. I see beauty in all things. Or at least I try. I believe in the beauty of creation and the beauty of life, its good and its bad. People tease me because I tend to see the good in everyone, or at least try to. I often remember taking a little girl to the bathroom. When it was time to wash her hands I was upset because the bar of soap was dirty. She, however, looked at the soap and began to smile. When I asked her what made her so happy she told me the bar of soap looked like a flower. I had to work hard to look past the dirt but, eventually I was able to see what she saw. I have never forgotten that. There is beauty in everything, you just have to be willing and open to it.

And, who has not lived with failure of some kind. I have experienced failure and then bounced back from it. I have shaken my head at the unfairness of life and said “Yes, I can go on and will.” I have seen the bottom of the barrel and pulled myself out of it to go on. I have done it in the past with the deaths of my husband (a police officer shot to death), my uncle (a Veterans Administration police officer also shot to death), my father (from cancer) and my sister-in-law (from lupus) and with other things that I have experienced. I am sure I will in the future. It is part of life and I accept that. I just know I will not let life beat me down; instead, I try to remember just how good life can be. This and hope always help me to go on.

It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children. It doesn’t interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

Can I get up, after a night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children? I can and I have many, many, many times. When my husband was killed, the nights were hard to get through. But no matter how hard, I had a six year old to think of and I had to keep her life as normal as possible. No matter what I went through at night, in the morning I got up, got her cleaned, dressed, fed and off to school with a smile, a hug and an "I love you." I believe it was my child and the semblance of normalcy that helped me to get out of bed and go on, even when I didn’t want to. Thankfully, I am not there any more. Thankfully time and I have moved on.

I have had someone very dear to me live with and die of cancer. I have had someone else very dear to me live with and die of lupus. I helped those two people through very hard and painful times. I have had two people very dear to me get shot and killed. I, like so many others, learned the hard way that life is not easy. I have faced the fire alone and with others. I have not shrunk back. I have faced it out of love, caring and compassion. I have faced it because I have not thought of myself. I have faced it sometimes in spite of myself. I have faced it with faith and hope. And, I am sure, if necessary, I will do so again. Those are truly moments that are just not about you (not "what about me" moments). I have heard them referred to as moments of “the grand gesture”. I just think of them as moments of true humility and gentleness. And I just hope that should I have to face the fire again, I will stand tall.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.

What sustains me, from the inside, when all else falls away- hope and faith. Faith and hope carry with them, for me, the belief that tomorrow is another day, that tomorrow will be better and that tomorrow is another chance. My faith is deep and strong. It has been tested, but it has held on. I have been angry at fate, at life, at God/the Creator, the Universe. But I have always believed in Him/It. In even the worst of times, those "I want it all to be over" times, my faith has kept me holding on. In the dark of night when I no longer want to go on and when hope is gone, faith (though smaller than a mustard seed) has kept me from throwing in the towel. What sustains me? My faith and hope sustain me.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

Honestly. I like my company. I need me time, crave me time. And, in the empty moments, I do like my company. I read, meditate, write, sing, dance, pray, sit in silence with my thoughts and praise and say thank you. I even take myself out on a date sometimes. In the end, I am the only person on earth I can never get away from, so I better like myself and I do. I like my company.

Now, do “The Invitation” on your own and, if you ask yourself nothing else, ask: “what sustains me?" And, if you do nothing else ….do you - get to know and like you.

“Amazing, isn't it, how some see the basket half empty and others see it half full? Some see life hopeless, some hopeful. Even when things are less than perfect, if you can think of the good, the beautiful, the hopeful, you'll be more than sustained.”

Author Unknown

Slow & Steady Finishes the Race: My First Marathon

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face… You must do the thing you think you cannot do.

-- Eleanor Roosevelt.

On the ride home from a day of shopping in early March with my friend Nikki, she informed me that she planned to run the 2008 Chicago Marathon. “Wow! Have you run a marathon before?” I replied. She said, “Yes, a few years back.” So I enthusiastically told her that she could expect me to cheer her on and be there screaming at the finish line. That’s when she dropped the bomb and said she thought I should run too. “Oh no, that’s crazy! I hate running. That’s never going to happen, but I will support you.” Well, they say, never say never…

I am proud to say that I ran the Chicago Marathon, this past Sunday, October 12, 2008in support of the AIDS Foundation of Chicago.! That’s right, 26.2 miles! It was a sunny 85 degrees and not much wind. Hot weather creates dangerous conditions for distance runners. But I was one of more than 31,000 runners that beat the heat and finished. As a non-athlete, it was by far the most challenging goal I have ever set for myself. Consequently, crossing that finish line was both exhilarating and empowering.

The reality is, however, that I did not run this race alone. I want to first thank my great friend Nikki for presenting me with the opportunity to take this amazing journey. I want to thank the National AIDS Marathon Training Program and the south side coaches for the excellent preparation that enabled me to run a successful injury free marathon. I want to thank my pace group members that stuck together and ran, walked, laughed, stretched, and encouraged one another through the finish line. I want to thank my family for driving 12 hours in the middle of the night to come and support me and share this moment. I want to thank my friends who sat out in the sun for hours just to shout my name as I ran past. And a special thank you to the citizens of Chicago who lined the streets to cheer us along. Those individuals have no idea how key they were to me maintaining the mental strength to keep going long after my legs wanted to stop. THANK YOU!

And last, but certainly not least, I want to thank everyone who donated to the AIDS Foundation of Chicago on behalf. I was able to raise almost $2000 to fund essential services for people living with and at risk for HIV/AIDS. Despite recent advances in the treatment of AIDS, the epidemic is far from over. More than one million Americans and 40 million others around the world are now living with HIV, the virus that causes AIDS. It is now the leading cause of death among all people 15 to 59 years of age. The money raised through the program will allow the AIDS Foundation of Chicago to direct medical care, food, housing and other important AIDS services – to help keep people alive until there’s a cure.

During the seven-month National AIDS Marathon Training Program I logged nearly 500 miles. The reasons I decided to run a marathon were first, the cause and second, to challenge myself to do something less than one percent of the population has accomplished. I should be an inspiration to anyone who is thinking about running a marathon whether half or full. Believe me, if I can do it and my father who is 65 can do it (he walked the race in support of the AIDS Foundation of Chicago), then if you commit to it and train you too can run/walk a marathon. See you in ’09!

SPIRITUAL JOURNEY - A Hard Blog to Write

.20 A Hard Blog to Write

By Angela Skeete Davis

It is great to keep friends in your life who have known you long enough to know when you are living a lie or lying to yourself; friends who confront you with where you think you are versus where you really are; friends who love you enough to be honest with you about you. But damn it ain’t easy. Having said that, the other day I was on the phone with someone very dear to me. We were having a serious catch-up conversation. The conversation turned to me and as we talked I began to realize how wrong I had been about some things in my life. Eventually my blog came up. She and I discussed some of the things I have written. She went on to tell me, not that I had not been honest with my readers, but that I had been under a delusion about myself and just how far I had come, at least in one area of my life. She said I had not really done what I said I had done or thought I had done and that I had not really progressed as far as I thought I had. In short she said that maybe I am not where I think I am...

What am I talking about? Well, one of the things I am pleased with is that I try to be honest with others. If I like you I tell you or if I want something from you, then I will tell you. I have admitted that I am afraid of rejection from people I care about (like family or friends) and this makes me sometimes reluctant to talk about things that I feel might cause rejection. But I do so, to be true to me. Other than that, I believe I am willing to speak what is on my mind. But my friend said that whether or not I am willing to admit it to myself, lately I don’t speak up if it means I will be putting my feelings on the line and possibly getting hurt. She said that I am afraid of experiencing the pain I experienced with my husband’s death and so have not been willing to put myself out there in my relationships. While I had points to argue and refute her assessment, she was able to really get me to examine my actions, or lack thereof. It was hard to do and harder to accept, but I had to admit it. I have unconsciously wrapped my arms so tight around myself to avoid pain that I have not allowed myself to step out on faith and take chances.

Wow. The worse part is although I have, on more than one occasion, stated affirmatively and with even an air of arrogance that I have been upfront and honest and put myself out there in my relationships, I now realize that I maybe I have not. My friend said that I have stepped up to the plate, but have not taken a single swing at any of the balls that may have come my way. I told my friend that I didn’t see the balls. She said I was just too afraid to look. She said that I am truly ready to move on and enter into a real relationship again when I am ready to step out on faith and say how I feel. Worse, she said, that in the past I had always been able to step out on faith and take a chance on love.

She told me that it is not enough for me to want a relationship, I have to be willing to accept the pain that may come if it doesn’t work. I told her I had written that I was willing to love even if it meant I might get hurt. She said it is one thing to say you are ready. It is another to take the steps and show that you are ready. She asked what steps I had taken. I told her all the things I had done. She said, "that’s nice," but that none of the things I said showed a willingness to actually put myself out there. She said all I had done was make it easy for someone else to put themselves out there to me. She asked me since when did I become one of those women who wants to be rescued by a knight in shining armor. She said that had never been me and I insisted that it was not who I was now. “Good”, she said. “prove it.”

As you can imagine, our conversation was intense. We laughed and I cried. I cried remembering how much it hurt when my husband was killed. I cried to think that I might experience that pain again. I realized that I am afraid. Afraid to get hurt. Afraid to go through what I went through before. But I think even more than my fear, I do want to experience the pleasure that a good relationship can bring. I think I want that more that I am afraid.

Before we finished the conversation, she dared me to write about it in my blog. She said a true blog is about the successes and failures of the writer. She said it would not only help me, it might help others. I believe she is right (she usually is). So I took her challenge and am sharing with you our conversation. I am acknowledging that although I have repeatedly said I am ready that I have, unbeknown to myself, done everything but take that leap of faith. So now I am not only saying that I am ready, this time I will prove it. I will take action. But, I am also going to be gentle with myself and allow myself to go with the flow of things while being honest with myself about where I want things to end up.

This week, for real, step out in faith and tell someone how you feel (boss, family, friend, lover). You may be glad you did.

Take risks: if you win, you will be happy; if you lose, you will be wise.

Author Unknown

Why not go out on a limb? Isn't that where the fruit is?

Frank Scully

SPIRITUAL JOURNEY - running from relationships

.19 Running from Relationships
by Angela


Okay, I guess I have decided that part of my spiritual journey includes deciding my stand on relationships. Why? Well, a while back, I had a conversation with someone who swore that women don’t say what they want from relationships or from sex and that the standard roles that men and women seem to slip into bored him and caused him true disinterest in relationships. A comment like that made me want to examine my position on relationships...

I find the comment interesting because I think it is just an excuse to avoid commitment and avoiding commitment seem to be what men and women are becoming better at doing. For example, I have a friend who is in a push-pull relationship that circles around avoidance. The two of them seem to be unable to establish and define their relationship. She is there for him, cares for him and is willing to commit to a real relationship. He cares for her, is there for her, but is commitment-phobic. He gives lots of excuses why he is unable to make an actual commitment to a relationship. But I think it is because of his fear of actually taking a chance. Heaven forbid he might actually commit to something that makes him feel good. She is unwilling to walk away. I think she has a fear of walking out on true happiness. I admire her for sticking it out. I just hope they get it together.

I think of the major relationships I have had, while I won’t say I went after all of them, I will say I had no problem telling the men how I felt and what I wanted. It was, however, easier when I was younger. In fact, one of the things I love about youth is the willingness to put ourselves and our feelings on the line for the fun and joy of possible love. As adults, we are so busy worrying about possible hurt or failure that we are not willing to step out; we are not willing to take a chance. I still tell men how I feel and what I want. But, I must admit, it is not as easy for me as it once was.

I am tired of men who say they know what they want, but are not willing to go for it and then blame it on women who are not as aggressive as they would like them to be. Why is it men expect women to put their feelings out there, but are not willing to do so themselves. Why must women always be the ones willing to take the chance on getting hurt. I have a lot of responsibilities. I make decisions all day long - for myself and for some of the important people in my life. I am looking for a man who is willing to share responsibilities (his and mine) with me. I say I like him and he says he likes me. I reach out to him and he reaches back out to me. Sometimes I take the initiative and sometimes he does. I try to get past my fears and so does he. If I can say what I want, so can he.

Another example ….I have a friend- "Amigo 1." Amigo 1 has spent the last few years telling "Amigo 2" why they should not be together and then complains and wonders why Amigo 2 does not make overtures. I ask you - why would anyone extend themselves to someone they believe is not interested in having a relationship with them (based on what they say so regularly). I don’t get it. My attitude is decide what you want and then say so. If you are interested, take a chance. Don’t just talk about what you want, do it, show it. If you show others what you want, then you should trust they will give it back to you. But I know that will not happen. Why? I think Amigo1, like so many of us, carries baggage of past relationships and like so many of us, is wary. I also think Amigo 1 is waiting for someone, anyone but them, to step out on faith and take the chance. Too bad. Amigo 1 may miss out on true happiness with someone.

I think often we settle for the wrong things because the right things scare us. I think we spend so much time running from things, it becomes automatic and eventually we even run from the right things. But, I want to get to a place where I stop running. I want to get to a place where the right things in life so excite me that I run to them and not from them. I don’t want to miss out on happiness, I want to know what I want, act on what I want and do what I want others to do. I want it all and I want to be willing to seek it, work for it, believe in it, and take a chance on it. I want happiness and I am working towards it. Is it easy? No. But I refuse to give up. How about you? So, what is my stand on relationships - take a chance. You only live once. Make every moment count.

This week take a chance, step out in faith, give love a try. This week, run towards happiness, you may be glad you did.

Living might mean taking chances but they're worth taking, Loving might be a mistake but it's worth making.”

Leanne Womack (American country-pop artist)