SPIRITUAL JOURNEY - Love Angst (part two)

.23 Love Angst (Part Two)
by Angela Skeete Davis

Think about this, if you don’t let go, you will become stagnant and paralyzed. But if you do let go, you open yourself to the possibility of forever next time. Does that not work for you? I have another. Write all the bad stuff down on paper. Then rip it up into tiny pieces, put those tiny pieces in an ashtray, set it all on fire and watch them burn away. Hopefully some of your pain will burn away too. Or bury the paper. The point is to put some action to your letting go to make the letting go a little easier.

Does that not work for you? Do you need an example, instead? How about a story? I know a man who has had his share of relationship endings and heartache. Yet when he talks, you can hear in his voice and see in his face how much he loved in those past relationships. You can hear and see how hard he tried to make the relationships work. I am sure that when women hear him speak about his past, about his former loves, they want to get next to him. A man that can love like that and keep the good and speak of the good in spite of the bad is a man to be cherished. Most women want to be loved like that. Hell, most men want to be loved like that. When he says he wants to experience the joy that loving can bring, the happiness that being in love can bring, you believe him.

Still not convinced that choosing not to fall in love is not the answer? How about this?(I may have told you about this already, I don’t remember) A few years ago, a friend of mine met a man and six months later told me she was in love with him. As she is a widow like me and we have had, in the past, similar feelings about the possibility of falling in love again (never), I was surprised. I asked her how it could happen. She said her capacity to love her husband gave her the capacity to love again. She said she had enough love in her to still love her husband deeply and yet love this man deeply and truly. She said she brings to the relationship all that she had with her husband plus all of her maturity and other experiences; that now, older, she can love deeper, more passionately, with more knowledge and more abilities. She said she was excited about the relationship and its possibilities.

I was skeptical. But I thought a lot about what she said and eventually a light bulb came on in my head and I got it. A loving relationship that ends does not limit our ability to love, it enhances it. The more we love, the more we can love. The more we can love, the more we are given opportunities to love. The more opportunities we are given, the more we love. It is a beautiful circle of love. That I get. That I want to be a part of. Like a love-fest of life. If it is a ride, sign me up. If it is a party, where can I get my ticket. If it is just about life, let me live it to the fullest.

I guess the ultimate comment is it is better to step out on faith, and take a chance at love and true, everlasting happiness than to stay within one’s self and deny love to prevent possible heartache. Besides, whoever heard of possible heartache. Shouldn't possibility be about hope, be about heart-joy or heart-happiness. After all, without hope there is no real chance at love and without love, we die or become scarred. So, if I must die and I must, I want to die knowing I gave love every possible chance.

Still not sure, here are some things I think are true…

It doesn’t matter how they left you feeling, what matters is how you felt at the very best of times.
Do not honor them by remembering the worst and how it left you emotionally, honor yourself by remembering the best, how much of yourself you gave and how good that was.
Do not deny yourself because it did not work out that time, delight yourself with the anticipation and expectation of “possible forever happiness” this time.
Do not count your moments by the memories that broke your heart, fill your heart album with the moments that caused your soul to soar.
Do not look to the failure as the whole of the relationship, remember the success within and use them as your barometer for what to expect next.

“The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in.”
Morrie Schwartz (December 20, 1916 to November 4, 1995, an American educator)

SPIRITUAL JOURNEY - A Hard Blog to Write

.20 A Hard Blog to Write

By Angela Skeete Davis

It is great to keep friends in your life who have known you long enough to know when you are living a lie or lying to yourself; friends who confront you with where you think you are versus where you really are; friends who love you enough to be honest with you about you. But damn it ain’t easy. Having said that, the other day I was on the phone with someone very dear to me. We were having a serious catch-up conversation. The conversation turned to me and as we talked I began to realize how wrong I had been about some things in my life. Eventually my blog came up. She and I discussed some of the things I have written. She went on to tell me, not that I had not been honest with my readers, but that I had been under a delusion about myself and just how far I had come, at least in one area of my life. She said I had not really done what I said I had done or thought I had done and that I had not really progressed as far as I thought I had. In short she said that maybe I am not where I think I am...

What am I talking about? Well, one of the things I am pleased with is that I try to be honest with others. If I like you I tell you or if I want something from you, then I will tell you. I have admitted that I am afraid of rejection from people I care about (like family or friends) and this makes me sometimes reluctant to talk about things that I feel might cause rejection. But I do so, to be true to me. Other than that, I believe I am willing to speak what is on my mind. But my friend said that whether or not I am willing to admit it to myself, lately I don’t speak up if it means I will be putting my feelings on the line and possibly getting hurt. She said that I am afraid of experiencing the pain I experienced with my husband’s death and so have not been willing to put myself out there in my relationships. While I had points to argue and refute her assessment, she was able to really get me to examine my actions, or lack thereof. It was hard to do and harder to accept, but I had to admit it. I have unconsciously wrapped my arms so tight around myself to avoid pain that I have not allowed myself to step out on faith and take chances.

Wow. The worse part is although I have, on more than one occasion, stated affirmatively and with even an air of arrogance that I have been upfront and honest and put myself out there in my relationships, I now realize that I maybe I have not. My friend said that I have stepped up to the plate, but have not taken a single swing at any of the balls that may have come my way. I told my friend that I didn’t see the balls. She said I was just too afraid to look. She said that I am truly ready to move on and enter into a real relationship again when I am ready to step out on faith and say how I feel. Worse, she said, that in the past I had always been able to step out on faith and take a chance on love.

She told me that it is not enough for me to want a relationship, I have to be willing to accept the pain that may come if it doesn’t work. I told her I had written that I was willing to love even if it meant I might get hurt. She said it is one thing to say you are ready. It is another to take the steps and show that you are ready. She asked what steps I had taken. I told her all the things I had done. She said, "that’s nice," but that none of the things I said showed a willingness to actually put myself out there. She said all I had done was make it easy for someone else to put themselves out there to me. She asked me since when did I become one of those women who wants to be rescued by a knight in shining armor. She said that had never been me and I insisted that it was not who I was now. “Good”, she said. “prove it.”

As you can imagine, our conversation was intense. We laughed and I cried. I cried remembering how much it hurt when my husband was killed. I cried to think that I might experience that pain again. I realized that I am afraid. Afraid to get hurt. Afraid to go through what I went through before. But I think even more than my fear, I do want to experience the pleasure that a good relationship can bring. I think I want that more that I am afraid.

Before we finished the conversation, she dared me to write about it in my blog. She said a true blog is about the successes and failures of the writer. She said it would not only help me, it might help others. I believe she is right (she usually is). So I took her challenge and am sharing with you our conversation. I am acknowledging that although I have repeatedly said I am ready that I have, unbeknown to myself, done everything but take that leap of faith. So now I am not only saying that I am ready, this time I will prove it. I will take action. But, I am also going to be gentle with myself and allow myself to go with the flow of things while being honest with myself about where I want things to end up.

This week, for real, step out in faith and tell someone how you feel (boss, family, friend, lover). You may be glad you did.

Take risks: if you win, you will be happy; if you lose, you will be wise.

Author Unknown

Why not go out on a limb? Isn't that where the fruit is?

Frank Scully

SPIRITUAL JOURNEY

WHAT A WEEK OR TWO IT HAS BEEN: Part Two

By Angela Skeete Davis


Last week I spoke of the impact of life and death on our lives. I ended with a bit about a woman I met whose husband had died. They clearly had a relationship that was filled with love. This week I think I will speak on love. And speaking of love, several people in my life are about to embark on a journey of love. Can I call it love? Should I call it love? Well you know what they say...if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck.... What am I talking about? Let’s call two of my friends Frick , Frack and Freck. I spoke to each within days of each other. Frick called first. Frick had met a special person. The attraction between the two of them was intense. Though they did not live near each other, they were spending weekends together and talking about taking a chance with each other, seeing where it leads and anticipating their future together. They were even discussing the possibility, if this worked, of moving in together.

A few days later Frack called. Frack had met someone. Their relationship was also a distant relationship. Though they did not venture to see each other every weekend, they spent hours talking to each other on a daily basis. Modern technology was their best friend. I was concerned about their meeting and their being no chemistry. Not too worry, Frack assured me, the sparks are there when they are together. I asked what did they talk about. The answer was, "everything - each other, their past, their goals, their friends and families, the possibility of a future together, the possibility of being a family together."

Then there’s Freck. Freck has sort of been in a relationship for the past few years. I say sort of because of the inconsistency. They spend time together, sometimes. They are intimate, sometimes. They share their lives, sometimes. The good news is that they clearly love each other - at least on some level. The problem is baggage from the past and trust issues. How do they handle it? They pull each other close because they need and care for each other. But when they feel the pull of love, they back away.

I say, go for it. A friend once said, and I can’t say it better, “better to take a chance on love and it not work out, then not and possibly miss out on forever.” I agree. Our friends agree. Just go for it! Take the chance! The possibility of forever should be just too amazing to pass up.

When I think about Frick and Frack, and even Freck, I am so happy for each of them. There is nothing like a relationship when it is new, shiny and full of possibility. But it is more than that. Listening to each describe the other person, it was/is clear to me they each provide the other the things they need emotionally. That is what will keep their relationships going when the newness wears off, which, of course, is inevitable.

I believe fulfilling needs in each other is necessary for a relationship to survive. If I am a loner, shy about going out, but would love to and I meet someone who is also a loner and shy, we may get along, we may be able to be friends, but in a relationship we do not necessarily fulfill a need that would bring out the best in each other. Instead, if I meet a social butterfly who cares for me and takes me with them to social events and helps me to over come my shyness, then this person has met a need of mine. That helps the relationship. Similarly, if I see that my new mate needs quiet time to recharge theirs batteries and I provide them with that quiet time, then I have met a need of theirs. The combined meeting of needs helps to bring out the best in each other thus taking the relationship to higher levels and helping it to soar.

In life, when trying out new relationships, it helps if each of you brings out the best in each other. You both should not only see the best in each other, but believes the best in each other, care for each other because of and in spite of each other. Your chosen possibility should cause you to want to be your best self, and vice versa. If you do all that, have all that and if your relationship satisfies things you each need, consciously or unconsciously, your relationship has a better chance of survival.

Now you may be asking yourself how all this impacts me. I firmly believe that seeing other relationships around me thrive is a sign that we can all experience great relationships. Seeing others forge bonds provides me with hope. If it can happen for them, it can happen for me. But, even if it doesn’t happen for me, seeing them happy brings me happiness and trust...often, that is enough.

This week, take a chance on love, step out in love, try a new love. This week appreciate the newness, live in the newness. This week...GO FOR IT!!

A kiss that is never tasted is forever wasted
We are all longing to go home to some place we have never been Deep in my heart, I am concealing things that I am longing for
I would have missed you even if we had never met

Author unknown

SPIRITUAL JOURNEY - Discernment

11. DISCERNMENT, Part One

By Angela Skeete Davis

I have so much in my head and heart to share I am just not sure where to begin. So bear with me if I seem to ramble. That is not my intent. Also, this will be a “two-parter“, I hope it works for you. First, a friend implied that when you are friends with a writer/blogger, you take the chance of being part of their writings. I know that to be true and this is proof.

I am reading this book and am at the part where the author seems to be saying that we, as individual and collective egos, seem to need and thrive on competition and conflict. I am not sure I agree since I long for peace in my life. But I am double-minded. You see, I also agree because it seems that the closer I get to living the life I long for, the more strife seems to come with the package. It is almost as if the “devil” is aware and doing all he can to prevent me from getting to my small haven of peace and joy and happiness. However, I do not worry any longer - I have vowed to never give up...

My point, I find that there are people in life who are also where I am, either consciously or unconsciously. Where am I? I am here; I am taking what few steps I can to change that perception of the ego, or at least I am doing my part to be the real me, the me beneath my ego, my own little bit of awareness. What am I talking about? Today I had a conversation with someone (let’s call this person B) who, for years, I hated talking to because our conversations always left me angry. B always said something to irk, annoy or irritate me. But lately I have found our conversations to be a blessing. I would like to say B has really changed and that is why our conversations are so good. But I know that is only half the story. I have also changed. Together we have changed and so now, that change, has allowed us to be able to talk and share and love together. I am so grateful and blessed.

My point, B said something I thought was monumental. Not because it was so profound but because of its simplicity. It occurs to me that we sometimes miss things in life because we are expecting things to be monumental. Instead, it is something so simple we miss it. To simplify a long conversation, B said that she and her spouse were reading a transformational book together and sharing its lessons together. I thought, WOW! That is what I want. Someone I can share a book with that is supposed to be transformative. That way we may transform and grow together. I think relationships often fail because the two do not grow together, the two make no attempts to share all aspects of their lives, where possible, together. I will never forget what B said to me. And when I finally find the person I want to share my life with, I will do the best I can to ensure that it is someone I can share growing and transforming with so that neither of us leaves the other behind.

I think this is a moment of clarity of emotion. I think this is profound for me because it is the clarity of emotion I crave. Clearly God/the universe/the ultimate energy is giving me the opportunity to receive the thing I ask for and am working towards. I am just glad that I was actually being mindful, enjoying the moment, actually in the moment. I am just glad that this time I had the discernment to realize it.

This week, seek discernment in your life. This week check your relationships. Are you letting people you care about slip away because you are allowing yourself to grow apart from them. If that is not what you want, find ways to include them in your growth. Find ways to get them on the same page as you so that the two of you will be able to share the journey of self-growth (true, inner self-growth) together. And while you are doing so, be MINDFUL. ENJOY THE MOMENT!!! And until next time…Take care of you.

The supreme end of education is expert discernment in all things--the power to tell the good from the bad, the genuine from the counterfeit, and to prefer the good and the genuine to the bad and the counterfeit.”

Author unknown