SPIRITUAL JOURNEY - Love Angst (part two)

.23 Love Angst (Part Two)
by Angela Skeete Davis

Think about this, if you don’t let go, you will become stagnant and paralyzed. But if you do let go, you open yourself to the possibility of forever next time. Does that not work for you? I have another. Write all the bad stuff down on paper. Then rip it up into tiny pieces, put those tiny pieces in an ashtray, set it all on fire and watch them burn away. Hopefully some of your pain will burn away too. Or bury the paper. The point is to put some action to your letting go to make the letting go a little easier.

Does that not work for you? Do you need an example, instead? How about a story? I know a man who has had his share of relationship endings and heartache. Yet when he talks, you can hear in his voice and see in his face how much he loved in those past relationships. You can hear and see how hard he tried to make the relationships work. I am sure that when women hear him speak about his past, about his former loves, they want to get next to him. A man that can love like that and keep the good and speak of the good in spite of the bad is a man to be cherished. Most women want to be loved like that. Hell, most men want to be loved like that. When he says he wants to experience the joy that loving can bring, the happiness that being in love can bring, you believe him.

Still not convinced that choosing not to fall in love is not the answer? How about this?(I may have told you about this already, I don’t remember) A few years ago, a friend of mine met a man and six months later told me she was in love with him. As she is a widow like me and we have had, in the past, similar feelings about the possibility of falling in love again (never), I was surprised. I asked her how it could happen. She said her capacity to love her husband gave her the capacity to love again. She said she had enough love in her to still love her husband deeply and yet love this man deeply and truly. She said she brings to the relationship all that she had with her husband plus all of her maturity and other experiences; that now, older, she can love deeper, more passionately, with more knowledge and more abilities. She said she was excited about the relationship and its possibilities.

I was skeptical. But I thought a lot about what she said and eventually a light bulb came on in my head and I got it. A loving relationship that ends does not limit our ability to love, it enhances it. The more we love, the more we can love. The more we can love, the more we are given opportunities to love. The more opportunities we are given, the more we love. It is a beautiful circle of love. That I get. That I want to be a part of. Like a love-fest of life. If it is a ride, sign me up. If it is a party, where can I get my ticket. If it is just about life, let me live it to the fullest.

I guess the ultimate comment is it is better to step out on faith, and take a chance at love and true, everlasting happiness than to stay within one’s self and deny love to prevent possible heartache. Besides, whoever heard of possible heartache. Shouldn't possibility be about hope, be about heart-joy or heart-happiness. After all, without hope there is no real chance at love and without love, we die or become scarred. So, if I must die and I must, I want to die knowing I gave love every possible chance.

Still not sure, here are some things I think are true…

It doesn’t matter how they left you feeling, what matters is how you felt at the very best of times.
Do not honor them by remembering the worst and how it left you emotionally, honor yourself by remembering the best, how much of yourself you gave and how good that was.
Do not deny yourself because it did not work out that time, delight yourself with the anticipation and expectation of “possible forever happiness” this time.
Do not count your moments by the memories that broke your heart, fill your heart album with the moments that caused your soul to soar.
Do not look to the failure as the whole of the relationship, remember the success within and use them as your barometer for what to expect next.

“The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in.”
Morrie Schwartz (December 20, 1916 to November 4, 1995, an American educator)

SPIRITUAL JOURNEY - a love angst (part one)

.22 Love Angst (Part One) by Angela Skeet Davis

This is about love. As I have said in the past, I was not going to write about love. It is not that I have anything against love. But, I wanted to write about my spiritual journey and I thought the two were separate. Quite the contrary. It seems to me that love is pretty much all we talk about. Even when we are not talking about love, we are talking about love….or sex (but that is another conversation left for another day).

Anyway, isn’t love what most of our conversations are about, at least underneath. When we complain about how others treat us, we are really complaining that they don’t treat us with love. When we look at all the “isms” and prejudices that we experience aren’t they all about someone denying us love. And when we are happy or joyful isn’t it really because something positive has happened to us that opens up our hearts to love

Maybe I am over-simplifying things. My point really is, we are made from love, for love, to love. When we deny ourselves the opportunity to experience love, in all its forms, we deny ourselves our very essence. In point of fact, we deny our spirits, our souls, ourselves the ultimate nourishment. You know, scientists have discovered that babies will die or become emotionally dysfunctional if not given love and affection the first year of their lives. So too, we die or become emotionally scarred if we are not given love, if we do not experience love. The profundity of it is almost mind-blowing.

So my question - why would we want to deny ourselves love? ...

And so many of us do, either because of bad break ups or because of broken hearts. But love is a majestic feeling. And while it can cause us to descend to the lowest of lows, it can also lift our hearts and spirits. It can bring a glow to our faces, brighten a day and ease pain. The expression “friendship doubles our joy and divides our grief” is true because friendship is based on mutual love.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I am not saying that love is perfect. It is not. Nor am I saying that all love lasts. We all know that love can end and sometimes it can end cruelly or bitterly. I recognize that sometimes the end of love can be soooo painful, can beat us up soooo badly, we never want to take a chance on love again. I just do not believe that is the answer.

That is really what I want to talk about. The immobilization that a bad end to loving can bring about. I have read many books and heard many say that we can control our emotions and that the emotions that others cause us to feel are their story and that, as such, we should be able to let go and move on with our own story. Deep inside, I know it is true - the people who break our hearts are not thinking about us or how we are feeling. Half the time, they don’t even realize that we are still lamenting that thing they said or did. So, if they can move on, we should move on. But to know it and then to believe it and act as if it true is each very different and very hard to do.

More importantly, you would think we would all want to let go of the negative effects of painful endings to love. You would think we would all want to just put them out of our minds - leaving space for the next good relationship. But we don’t. Letting go and moving on is like cleaning out the clothes in one’s closet. First, we have to make time to clean out the closet and there are always so many other things we would rather do. Then, we have to figure out what we are going to do with the things we decide to get ride of, which can be a hassle. Now, if we get past this stage and actually start to go through our closet, that is when the hard part begins. We keep things we no longer wear because we hate parting with things we have invested part of our selves in. We tell ourselves that either we are actually going to wear that one day because the style is going to come back or we are going to lose those extra pounds. In reality, it is just easier to keep what we have than deal with throwing things out. We forget getting rid of old means making space for new.

Similarly, we hold on to past relationships. They take up residence in our hearts and minds. Sometimes we believe they will come back. But, more often, we are just scared to venture back out into the world of dating and the possibility of loving again. That fear of falling in love and it failing rears its ugly head and prevents us from experiencing the wonder, beauty and happiness of love. We become cautious in spite of ourselves, because of ourselves.

I know, I know …. tell that to someone who is going through a break-up or a divorce. The pain and devastation left behind is like the work of a wrecking ball - all chaos and confusion and destruction with no hope of recovery. Yet, most of us do, eventually, learn to go on. We do eventually go on again. Granted we take with us the baggage that the ended relationship has left us with, but we move on.

What I want is for us (myself included) is to learn to let go of the baggage. At least some of it. This is one of my favorite things to do to let go and move on. Take some time and think about your relationship. Remember the good memories and take them and place them in your heart album. Then, take all the lessons you have learned and store them away in your brain to be pulled out as needed. Take what is left, grind it into grains of sand and blow it all away. It is not an easy task but with practice, it can work. What it does is allow you to let go of the negatives and keep only the positives.

“I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.”

Mother Theresa of Calcutta (August 26, 1910 to September 5, 1997

SPIRITUAL JOURNEY - A Hard Blog to Write

.20 A Hard Blog to Write

By Angela Skeete Davis

It is great to keep friends in your life who have known you long enough to know when you are living a lie or lying to yourself; friends who confront you with where you think you are versus where you really are; friends who love you enough to be honest with you about you. But damn it ain’t easy. Having said that, the other day I was on the phone with someone very dear to me. We were having a serious catch-up conversation. The conversation turned to me and as we talked I began to realize how wrong I had been about some things in my life. Eventually my blog came up. She and I discussed some of the things I have written. She went on to tell me, not that I had not been honest with my readers, but that I had been under a delusion about myself and just how far I had come, at least in one area of my life. She said I had not really done what I said I had done or thought I had done and that I had not really progressed as far as I thought I had. In short she said that maybe I am not where I think I am...

What am I talking about? Well, one of the things I am pleased with is that I try to be honest with others. If I like you I tell you or if I want something from you, then I will tell you. I have admitted that I am afraid of rejection from people I care about (like family or friends) and this makes me sometimes reluctant to talk about things that I feel might cause rejection. But I do so, to be true to me. Other than that, I believe I am willing to speak what is on my mind. But my friend said that whether or not I am willing to admit it to myself, lately I don’t speak up if it means I will be putting my feelings on the line and possibly getting hurt. She said that I am afraid of experiencing the pain I experienced with my husband’s death and so have not been willing to put myself out there in my relationships. While I had points to argue and refute her assessment, she was able to really get me to examine my actions, or lack thereof. It was hard to do and harder to accept, but I had to admit it. I have unconsciously wrapped my arms so tight around myself to avoid pain that I have not allowed myself to step out on faith and take chances.

Wow. The worse part is although I have, on more than one occasion, stated affirmatively and with even an air of arrogance that I have been upfront and honest and put myself out there in my relationships, I now realize that I maybe I have not. My friend said that I have stepped up to the plate, but have not taken a single swing at any of the balls that may have come my way. I told my friend that I didn’t see the balls. She said I was just too afraid to look. She said that I am truly ready to move on and enter into a real relationship again when I am ready to step out on faith and say how I feel. Worse, she said, that in the past I had always been able to step out on faith and take a chance on love.

She told me that it is not enough for me to want a relationship, I have to be willing to accept the pain that may come if it doesn’t work. I told her I had written that I was willing to love even if it meant I might get hurt. She said it is one thing to say you are ready. It is another to take the steps and show that you are ready. She asked what steps I had taken. I told her all the things I had done. She said, "that’s nice," but that none of the things I said showed a willingness to actually put myself out there. She said all I had done was make it easy for someone else to put themselves out there to me. She asked me since when did I become one of those women who wants to be rescued by a knight in shining armor. She said that had never been me and I insisted that it was not who I was now. “Good”, she said. “prove it.”

As you can imagine, our conversation was intense. We laughed and I cried. I cried remembering how much it hurt when my husband was killed. I cried to think that I might experience that pain again. I realized that I am afraid. Afraid to get hurt. Afraid to go through what I went through before. But I think even more than my fear, I do want to experience the pleasure that a good relationship can bring. I think I want that more that I am afraid.

Before we finished the conversation, she dared me to write about it in my blog. She said a true blog is about the successes and failures of the writer. She said it would not only help me, it might help others. I believe she is right (she usually is). So I took her challenge and am sharing with you our conversation. I am acknowledging that although I have repeatedly said I am ready that I have, unbeknown to myself, done everything but take that leap of faith. So now I am not only saying that I am ready, this time I will prove it. I will take action. But, I am also going to be gentle with myself and allow myself to go with the flow of things while being honest with myself about where I want things to end up.

This week, for real, step out in faith and tell someone how you feel (boss, family, friend, lover). You may be glad you did.

Take risks: if you win, you will be happy; if you lose, you will be wise.

Author Unknown

Why not go out on a limb? Isn't that where the fruit is?

Frank Scully

SPIRITUAL JOURNEY - running from relationships

.19 Running from Relationships
by Angela


Okay, I guess I have decided that part of my spiritual journey includes deciding my stand on relationships. Why? Well, a while back, I had a conversation with someone who swore that women don’t say what they want from relationships or from sex and that the standard roles that men and women seem to slip into bored him and caused him true disinterest in relationships. A comment like that made me want to examine my position on relationships...

I find the comment interesting because I think it is just an excuse to avoid commitment and avoiding commitment seem to be what men and women are becoming better at doing. For example, I have a friend who is in a push-pull relationship that circles around avoidance. The two of them seem to be unable to establish and define their relationship. She is there for him, cares for him and is willing to commit to a real relationship. He cares for her, is there for her, but is commitment-phobic. He gives lots of excuses why he is unable to make an actual commitment to a relationship. But I think it is because of his fear of actually taking a chance. Heaven forbid he might actually commit to something that makes him feel good. She is unwilling to walk away. I think she has a fear of walking out on true happiness. I admire her for sticking it out. I just hope they get it together.

I think of the major relationships I have had, while I won’t say I went after all of them, I will say I had no problem telling the men how I felt and what I wanted. It was, however, easier when I was younger. In fact, one of the things I love about youth is the willingness to put ourselves and our feelings on the line for the fun and joy of possible love. As adults, we are so busy worrying about possible hurt or failure that we are not willing to step out; we are not willing to take a chance. I still tell men how I feel and what I want. But, I must admit, it is not as easy for me as it once was.

I am tired of men who say they know what they want, but are not willing to go for it and then blame it on women who are not as aggressive as they would like them to be. Why is it men expect women to put their feelings out there, but are not willing to do so themselves. Why must women always be the ones willing to take the chance on getting hurt. I have a lot of responsibilities. I make decisions all day long - for myself and for some of the important people in my life. I am looking for a man who is willing to share responsibilities (his and mine) with me. I say I like him and he says he likes me. I reach out to him and he reaches back out to me. Sometimes I take the initiative and sometimes he does. I try to get past my fears and so does he. If I can say what I want, so can he.

Another example ….I have a friend- "Amigo 1." Amigo 1 has spent the last few years telling "Amigo 2" why they should not be together and then complains and wonders why Amigo 2 does not make overtures. I ask you - why would anyone extend themselves to someone they believe is not interested in having a relationship with them (based on what they say so regularly). I don’t get it. My attitude is decide what you want and then say so. If you are interested, take a chance. Don’t just talk about what you want, do it, show it. If you show others what you want, then you should trust they will give it back to you. But I know that will not happen. Why? I think Amigo1, like so many of us, carries baggage of past relationships and like so many of us, is wary. I also think Amigo 1 is waiting for someone, anyone but them, to step out on faith and take the chance. Too bad. Amigo 1 may miss out on true happiness with someone.

I think often we settle for the wrong things because the right things scare us. I think we spend so much time running from things, it becomes automatic and eventually we even run from the right things. But, I want to get to a place where I stop running. I want to get to a place where the right things in life so excite me that I run to them and not from them. I don’t want to miss out on happiness, I want to know what I want, act on what I want and do what I want others to do. I want it all and I want to be willing to seek it, work for it, believe in it, and take a chance on it. I want happiness and I am working towards it. Is it easy? No. But I refuse to give up. How about you? So, what is my stand on relationships - take a chance. You only live once. Make every moment count.

This week take a chance, step out in faith, give love a try. This week, run towards happiness, you may be glad you did.

Living might mean taking chances but they're worth taking, Loving might be a mistake but it's worth making.”

Leanne Womack (American country-pop artist)

SPIRITUAL JOURNEY

WHAT A WEEK OR TWO IT HAS BEEN: Part Two

By Angela Skeete Davis


Last week I spoke of the impact of life and death on our lives. I ended with a bit about a woman I met whose husband had died. They clearly had a relationship that was filled with love. This week I think I will speak on love. And speaking of love, several people in my life are about to embark on a journey of love. Can I call it love? Should I call it love? Well you know what they say...if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck.... What am I talking about? Let’s call two of my friends Frick , Frack and Freck. I spoke to each within days of each other. Frick called first. Frick had met a special person. The attraction between the two of them was intense. Though they did not live near each other, they were spending weekends together and talking about taking a chance with each other, seeing where it leads and anticipating their future together. They were even discussing the possibility, if this worked, of moving in together.

A few days later Frack called. Frack had met someone. Their relationship was also a distant relationship. Though they did not venture to see each other every weekend, they spent hours talking to each other on a daily basis. Modern technology was their best friend. I was concerned about their meeting and their being no chemistry. Not too worry, Frack assured me, the sparks are there when they are together. I asked what did they talk about. The answer was, "everything - each other, their past, their goals, their friends and families, the possibility of a future together, the possibility of being a family together."

Then there’s Freck. Freck has sort of been in a relationship for the past few years. I say sort of because of the inconsistency. They spend time together, sometimes. They are intimate, sometimes. They share their lives, sometimes. The good news is that they clearly love each other - at least on some level. The problem is baggage from the past and trust issues. How do they handle it? They pull each other close because they need and care for each other. But when they feel the pull of love, they back away.

I say, go for it. A friend once said, and I can’t say it better, “better to take a chance on love and it not work out, then not and possibly miss out on forever.” I agree. Our friends agree. Just go for it! Take the chance! The possibility of forever should be just too amazing to pass up.

When I think about Frick and Frack, and even Freck, I am so happy for each of them. There is nothing like a relationship when it is new, shiny and full of possibility. But it is more than that. Listening to each describe the other person, it was/is clear to me they each provide the other the things they need emotionally. That is what will keep their relationships going when the newness wears off, which, of course, is inevitable.

I believe fulfilling needs in each other is necessary for a relationship to survive. If I am a loner, shy about going out, but would love to and I meet someone who is also a loner and shy, we may get along, we may be able to be friends, but in a relationship we do not necessarily fulfill a need that would bring out the best in each other. Instead, if I meet a social butterfly who cares for me and takes me with them to social events and helps me to over come my shyness, then this person has met a need of mine. That helps the relationship. Similarly, if I see that my new mate needs quiet time to recharge theirs batteries and I provide them with that quiet time, then I have met a need of theirs. The combined meeting of needs helps to bring out the best in each other thus taking the relationship to higher levels and helping it to soar.

In life, when trying out new relationships, it helps if each of you brings out the best in each other. You both should not only see the best in each other, but believes the best in each other, care for each other because of and in spite of each other. Your chosen possibility should cause you to want to be your best self, and vice versa. If you do all that, have all that and if your relationship satisfies things you each need, consciously or unconsciously, your relationship has a better chance of survival.

Now you may be asking yourself how all this impacts me. I firmly believe that seeing other relationships around me thrive is a sign that we can all experience great relationships. Seeing others forge bonds provides me with hope. If it can happen for them, it can happen for me. But, even if it doesn’t happen for me, seeing them happy brings me happiness and trust...often, that is enough.

This week, take a chance on love, step out in love, try a new love. This week appreciate the newness, live in the newness. This week...GO FOR IT!!

A kiss that is never tasted is forever wasted
We are all longing to go home to some place we have never been Deep in my heart, I am concealing things that I am longing for
I would have missed you even if we had never met

Author unknown