SPIRITUAL JOURNEY - a love angst (part one)

.22 Love Angst (Part One) by Angela Skeet Davis

This is about love. As I have said in the past, I was not going to write about love. It is not that I have anything against love. But, I wanted to write about my spiritual journey and I thought the two were separate. Quite the contrary. It seems to me that love is pretty much all we talk about. Even when we are not talking about love, we are talking about love….or sex (but that is another conversation left for another day).

Anyway, isn’t love what most of our conversations are about, at least underneath. When we complain about how others treat us, we are really complaining that they don’t treat us with love. When we look at all the “isms” and prejudices that we experience aren’t they all about someone denying us love. And when we are happy or joyful isn’t it really because something positive has happened to us that opens up our hearts to love

Maybe I am over-simplifying things. My point really is, we are made from love, for love, to love. When we deny ourselves the opportunity to experience love, in all its forms, we deny ourselves our very essence. In point of fact, we deny our spirits, our souls, ourselves the ultimate nourishment. You know, scientists have discovered that babies will die or become emotionally dysfunctional if not given love and affection the first year of their lives. So too, we die or become emotionally scarred if we are not given love, if we do not experience love. The profundity of it is almost mind-blowing.

So my question - why would we want to deny ourselves love? ...

And so many of us do, either because of bad break ups or because of broken hearts. But love is a majestic feeling. And while it can cause us to descend to the lowest of lows, it can also lift our hearts and spirits. It can bring a glow to our faces, brighten a day and ease pain. The expression “friendship doubles our joy and divides our grief” is true because friendship is based on mutual love.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I am not saying that love is perfect. It is not. Nor am I saying that all love lasts. We all know that love can end and sometimes it can end cruelly or bitterly. I recognize that sometimes the end of love can be soooo painful, can beat us up soooo badly, we never want to take a chance on love again. I just do not believe that is the answer.

That is really what I want to talk about. The immobilization that a bad end to loving can bring about. I have read many books and heard many say that we can control our emotions and that the emotions that others cause us to feel are their story and that, as such, we should be able to let go and move on with our own story. Deep inside, I know it is true - the people who break our hearts are not thinking about us or how we are feeling. Half the time, they don’t even realize that we are still lamenting that thing they said or did. So, if they can move on, we should move on. But to know it and then to believe it and act as if it true is each very different and very hard to do.

More importantly, you would think we would all want to let go of the negative effects of painful endings to love. You would think we would all want to just put them out of our minds - leaving space for the next good relationship. But we don’t. Letting go and moving on is like cleaning out the clothes in one’s closet. First, we have to make time to clean out the closet and there are always so many other things we would rather do. Then, we have to figure out what we are going to do with the things we decide to get ride of, which can be a hassle. Now, if we get past this stage and actually start to go through our closet, that is when the hard part begins. We keep things we no longer wear because we hate parting with things we have invested part of our selves in. We tell ourselves that either we are actually going to wear that one day because the style is going to come back or we are going to lose those extra pounds. In reality, it is just easier to keep what we have than deal with throwing things out. We forget getting rid of old means making space for new.

Similarly, we hold on to past relationships. They take up residence in our hearts and minds. Sometimes we believe they will come back. But, more often, we are just scared to venture back out into the world of dating and the possibility of loving again. That fear of falling in love and it failing rears its ugly head and prevents us from experiencing the wonder, beauty and happiness of love. We become cautious in spite of ourselves, because of ourselves.

I know, I know …. tell that to someone who is going through a break-up or a divorce. The pain and devastation left behind is like the work of a wrecking ball - all chaos and confusion and destruction with no hope of recovery. Yet, most of us do, eventually, learn to go on. We do eventually go on again. Granted we take with us the baggage that the ended relationship has left us with, but we move on.

What I want is for us (myself included) is to learn to let go of the baggage. At least some of it. This is one of my favorite things to do to let go and move on. Take some time and think about your relationship. Remember the good memories and take them and place them in your heart album. Then, take all the lessons you have learned and store them away in your brain to be pulled out as needed. Take what is left, grind it into grains of sand and blow it all away. It is not an easy task but with practice, it can work. What it does is allow you to let go of the negatives and keep only the positives.

“I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.”

Mother Theresa of Calcutta (August 26, 1910 to September 5, 1997

SPIRITUAL JOURNEY - Finishing up The Invitation

.21 Finishing The Invitation

By Angela Skeete Davis

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I have disappointed another so I can be true to myself and I have borne the accusation of betrayal so as not to betray my own soul. I have borne it through pain and sadness and love. It is a hard lesson to learn to be true to one’s self. But, if we are not true to our selves, how can we be true in other aspects of our life or to anyone else.

I want to know if you can see beauty, even when it’s not pretty, every day, and if you can source your own life from its presence. I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the moon, “Yes!”

Can I see beauty, even when it’s not pretty, every day, and can I source my own life from its presence? And, can I live with failure and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the moon, “Yes!” Yes! I see beauty everywhere. I see beauty in all things. Or at least I try. I believe in the beauty of creation and the beauty of life, its good and its bad. People tease me because I tend to see the good in everyone, or at least try to. I often remember taking a little girl to the bathroom. When it was time to wash her hands I was upset because the bar of soap was dirty. She, however, looked at the soap and began to smile. When I asked her what made her so happy she told me the bar of soap looked like a flower. I had to work hard to look past the dirt but, eventually I was able to see what she saw. I have never forgotten that. There is beauty in everything, you just have to be willing and open to it.

And, who has not lived with failure of some kind. I have experienced failure and then bounced back from it. I have shaken my head at the unfairness of life and said “Yes, I can go on and will.” I have seen the bottom of the barrel and pulled myself out of it to go on. I have done it in the past with the deaths of my husband (a police officer shot to death), my uncle (a Veterans Administration police officer also shot to death), my father (from cancer) and my sister-in-law (from lupus) and with other things that I have experienced. I am sure I will in the future. It is part of life and I accept that. I just know I will not let life beat me down; instead, I try to remember just how good life can be. This and hope always help me to go on.

It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children. It doesn’t interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

Can I get up, after a night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children? I can and I have many, many, many times. When my husband was killed, the nights were hard to get through. But no matter how hard, I had a six year old to think of and I had to keep her life as normal as possible. No matter what I went through at night, in the morning I got up, got her cleaned, dressed, fed and off to school with a smile, a hug and an "I love you." I believe it was my child and the semblance of normalcy that helped me to get out of bed and go on, even when I didn’t want to. Thankfully, I am not there any more. Thankfully time and I have moved on.

I have had someone very dear to me live with and die of cancer. I have had someone else very dear to me live with and die of lupus. I helped those two people through very hard and painful times. I have had two people very dear to me get shot and killed. I, like so many others, learned the hard way that life is not easy. I have faced the fire alone and with others. I have not shrunk back. I have faced it out of love, caring and compassion. I have faced it because I have not thought of myself. I have faced it sometimes in spite of myself. I have faced it with faith and hope. And, I am sure, if necessary, I will do so again. Those are truly moments that are just not about you (not "what about me" moments). I have heard them referred to as moments of “the grand gesture”. I just think of them as moments of true humility and gentleness. And I just hope that should I have to face the fire again, I will stand tall.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.

What sustains me, from the inside, when all else falls away- hope and faith. Faith and hope carry with them, for me, the belief that tomorrow is another day, that tomorrow will be better and that tomorrow is another chance. My faith is deep and strong. It has been tested, but it has held on. I have been angry at fate, at life, at God/the Creator, the Universe. But I have always believed in Him/It. In even the worst of times, those "I want it all to be over" times, my faith has kept me holding on. In the dark of night when I no longer want to go on and when hope is gone, faith (though smaller than a mustard seed) has kept me from throwing in the towel. What sustains me? My faith and hope sustain me.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

Honestly. I like my company. I need me time, crave me time. And, in the empty moments, I do like my company. I read, meditate, write, sing, dance, pray, sit in silence with my thoughts and praise and say thank you. I even take myself out on a date sometimes. In the end, I am the only person on earth I can never get away from, so I better like myself and I do. I like my company.

Now, do “The Invitation” on your own and, if you ask yourself nothing else, ask: “what sustains me?" And, if you do nothing else ….do you - get to know and like you.

“Amazing, isn't it, how some see the basket half empty and others see it half full? Some see life hopeless, some hopeful. Even when things are less than perfect, if you can think of the good, the beautiful, the hopeful, you'll be more than sustained.”

Author Unknown

SPIRITUAL JOURNEY - loving yourself

.18 Self love
by Angela Skeete Davis

Okay, so for the past few weeks I have been working on a piece and looking forward to putting it up. But the other day, I woke up in a totally different place and started to write. This whole thing is about my journey to a better me and I have hit a cornerstone, I think...

Let me tell you how it started. I got an ear infection. No big deal, right. I used to get them all the time. When I did they immobilized me. They were painful, uncomfortable, gave me headaches, affected my equilibrium, sent me to bed. So, to say the least, I was not happy to get another ear infection.

The other thing that was different …. I was alone. In the past, my daughter was with me. She would do reflexology on my feet, rub my back and bring me tea and toast. This time I had no one to do that for me. Now that is not to say that I have no one in my life who cares about me. I have friends and family who checked on me ….once I told them I was sick. No, what I am talking about is a partner (you know, someone I want to share my life with). It occurred to me that I had no one I could call and tell I was sick, no one who would actually make the effort to come over and check on me, no one who would call to see if I was okay.

At first, I was disappointed with this realization. I mean, now that my daughter is away at college, I should have a man in my life, right. Or at least the possibility. I don’t. Moreover, I am, now, in the minority, since most of my friends have a relationship going.

But the point of this is not to lament my lack of a man. Instead, it is to say this…. I woke up this morning, two and a half weeks later, still dealing with ear issues, but totally happy. I noticed that I have been waking up happy. Specifically, I got through the worst of my infection all by myself and I was/am okay. I took care of me. I made sure I was okay. I loved me. I looked after me. I learned that I can be sick and be by myself and be okay. If I never find the one I want to share my life with, I will be okay. I have me and we will do just fine together.

So, this week, spend time with you, appreciate you, be good to you. You are the only person you can never get away from. Make friends with you, learn to love you. Take yourself out to lunch and say thank you to you.

“You can explore the universe looking for somebody who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and you will not find that person anywhere.”

Author Unknown

SPIRITUAL JOURNEY - can you be with joy

.17 CAN YOU BE WITH JOY?More on The Invitation
By Angela Skeete Davis

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.

Can I be with joy, dance with wildness and let the ecstasy of the moment fill me to the tips of my fingers and toes without cautioning myself or others? Yes, I can and I have. I have experienced joy so amazing I could not sit still; joy so moving that I reveled in it and then had to share it. On my wedding day I was joyful. I was emotionally full. I could not eat and I could not sit still. I talked to everyone, smiled constantly, danced every chance I could and laughed a lot. That day was so joyful for me I could not contain my feelings. And after the day was done, I wanted to do it all over again so that I could experience that feeling all over again...

I have also felt joy when in the throes of saying thank you. A quiet joy that has lifted my heart and made my soul and my situation feel lighter. A joy that has made the aches that I experienced almost nonexistent. A joy so freeing that tears of release cleansed me.

I have felt joy when taking the time to think of others and not myself. I can remember working in a soup kitchen, helping a victim of abuse, getting charges dropped against an immigrant who was wrongfully accused of a crime. The thank you from the people I helped was so special I have never forgotten it. I guess, even then I was mindful of the moment. I can still remember how those encounters left me feeling - joyful and blessed.

And I have danced and laughed and played with total abandon many times. While most of those moments have come when I was with my daughter, I believe they were the times when I was most willing to allow the moment to seize me. Those times when I was most willing to give in to impulse, when it was almost impossible not to give in to the feeling of being a living, vibrant being. But I don’t think you can plan to act with total abandon. I think it happens when you are so caught up in the moment, so mindful of the moment that you allow it to, at least in a sense, consume you such that the only way to proceed any further is to release the feelings through acts of total abandonment.

So, I have cavorted through sandy beaches, cried with abandon, basked luxuriantly in the sun, laughed until I cried, embarrassed myself in the streets with foolishness and danced in the rain. I have sung out loud to no one and shouted my joy to whosoever was present to hear. I have let the ecstasy of the moment fill me to the tips of my fingers and toes. And, I am open, eager and ready to do so again. I do believe there is joy that lasts. You just must be open to the moment.

This week, let joy catch you unawares and give in to it. This week, live with abandon, seize the moment, rejoice, find your ecstasy, laugh, love - in essence, be the fully alive, vibrant being you were created to be. Than look back and say thank you.

“Live with intention. Walk to the edge. Listen hard. Practice wellness. Play with abandon. Laugh. Choose with no regret. Appreciate your friends. Continue to learn. Do what you love. Live as if this is all there is.”

Mary Anne Radmacher

Spiritual Journey - more on discernment (to get what you want)

SPIRITUAL JOURNEY .12

DISCERNMENT: Part Two

By Angela Skeete Davis

To follow up where I left off last week, I also had a conversation with a friend who said he ached to have peace in his life. When he started to talk about it, it became clear how important it was to him. It also became clear he was spending so much time wanting it, that wanting it had, in a sense, become for him a way of thinking, being, living.

Our conversation really bothered me and I got to thinking about all of us, the things we crave and the things we want. How do we get the things that we say we want in our lives?

I watched a movie recently that I thought I would dislike, but I actually enjoyed it and learned from it. Following is the movie's message. Basically, it said when we ask God/The Universe/the Ultimate Energy for something, it is not just magically given to us…instantly. Although, if we are honest, that is what we usually want and expect. Instead, we are given opportunities to receive the thing or things for which we have asked. Therefore, if we want love or joy or peace in our lives, we can’t just sit back and wait for it to miraculously happen. We must first believe we will receive the things we ask for; and then, we have to see the opportunities we are being given to receive the thing or things we desire. Last we have to act on those opportunities.

I want happiness, so I wake up each morning anticipating happiness. I make it a point to both enjoy my day and look for opportunities for happiness. Then, at the end of the day, I look back and say thank you for the moments of happiness I received and enjoyed. I truly believe most of us are given the opportunities to have the things we most desire but we just don’t see those opportunities.

It’s like looking for love and not realizing the person you should be with is right in front of you, because he or she has not come gift wrapped the way you expected. I think the answer to receiving the things we ask for is discernment. I think the answer is to appreciate each moment. By doing so we give ourselves the chance to see the opportunities God/The Universe/The Ultimate Energy is giving us to receive the things we most desire.

If you try this approach and do not begin to receive what you seek, try examining yourself. Are you holding yourself back from the things you most want out of fear? Are you your own worst enemy? When you have honestly answered those questions, take a step back and make a plan of action. There is no time like now to actively seek what you want. Oh ……. And trust …… if you don’t have what you seek, plant a seed. If you don’t have love, start by giving love to others; if you don’t have joy, start by bringing joy to others; if you don’t have happiness, start by making others happy. This works.

But how does this get you peace? That is a hard question. I am still working on this and will finish next week. In the meantime, spend this week bringing joy, happiness and love to the lives of others. Trust …. It will be returned tenfold and you will be glad you did.

“Whatever we are waiting for - peace of mind, contentment, grace, the inner awareness of simple abundance - it will surely come to us, but only when we are ready to receive it with an open and grateful heart.”

Sarah Ban Breathnach

author, columnist, lecturer

Spiritual Journey - a message to daughters

07. A Message to My Daughter

So my only child just graduated. Like most parents, I am proud. I think back on her as a baby, a toddler, a young girl, a teen and cannot believe she stands before me a young lady, graduated and now getting ready to go off to college.

On graduation day, my daughter asked me if I had any words of wisdom for her. I, usually ready to jump on my soapbox and preach, was at a loss. What did I want to say? But pride and memories prevented me from saying more than what rang from my heart. I love you and am so proud of you.

Since then, I have thought a lot about what I want to tell my daughter. I want to tell her things that will matter to her, things that will make a difference to her, and things that will sustain her when I cannot be there. This is what I have to tell her.

Be true to yourself - never let others decide the road you must travel. You must live with your choices. You alone live with your failures and successes. At the end of the day, there is nothing worse than regretting the life you lived based on someone else's choices. If you choose your road, you get to learn from any poor choices but you also get to revel in your successes.

Be your own best friend - no one else knows your heart, your desires, your inner secrets as well as you do. Embrace yourself, spend time with yourself, and do for yourself. How can others truly like you if you do not like yourself? How can you give love to others if you do not love yourself? How can you have healthy relationships with others if you do not respect yourself? Put yourself first, in a healthy, positive manner, and you will do well.

Let no man or woman into your life who brings you down - life is hard enough without choosing to spend time with those who make it harder. Also, spending time with people like that just prolongs your own suffering. Friends and lovers are supposed to elevate each other. It is true that there will be hard times. I am not saying that life is easy. But, people who are always down, always miserable, trying to bring you down, not trying to improve their lot, are a drain on your spirit. Try to help them if you can. However, if they choose to remain "wallowers" in the mire of misery, wish them well but be on your way. Instead, seek those who are like you, at least aspiring to happiness.

Fight hard to do the things that are important to you, the things that make you happy - there are only so many hours in a day and days in your life. Spend those hours and days in ways that make you happy, in ways that are meaningful to you. If you do so, your days will be enriched and your memories and moments will be extended by the length, breadth and depth of your dedication.

Stand up for the things you believe in - it will give meaning to your life.

Be aware of those in need and try to bring some sunshine into their days - there will always be those better off than you and worse off than you. Those better off give you something to strive for. Those worse off remind you of where you could be, but for the grace of God. Keeping this in mind will give you a better perspective of your capabilities, possibilities and limitations. And giving back to others less fortunate will remind you what blessings you have yourself. If nothing else, helping others will lighten your load, and brighten your heart, even on the gloomiest of days.

Say thank you - this extra effort adds grace to the giver as well as the receiver. It is an uplifting affirmation that increases positive energy, confidence and well-being.

Say I'm sorry - this helps you as well as the other party to heal. It allows you to reconnect with the person who is hurting. It cleanses both of you and the air. It encourages love, compassion, understanding and personal growth as a human being.

Let go of painful things - clinging to pain prevents you from growing in hope and love. In reality, that is all there is. Why hold on to the very things that stunt your spiritual and personal growth. Besides, everything has its time. Let things go when their time is up. It allows you to make room for new things. Cry and be fully present to the pain in that moment. Tears cleanse the soul and heal the heart. Then, put the pain in a balloon and release it. In setting it free you set yourself free. free to love and hope. Then, look your best, spend time with friends, be attuned to your owns needs and be gentle with your self. You will be OK.

Find time to meditate - it can help you discover peace within yourself. It can help you find happiness in just being alive. If there is no time in your life to meditate at length: take a walk and enjoy nature, take a bath and deeply relax, or just close your eyes and breathe deeply and slowly. Meditation is an unsung hero in the world of self-rejuvenation. Trust me, it will help you in ways you can't even imagine.

Be kind to others - kindness is as much a state of mind as it is an act itself. When practiced, this simple act creates positive karma in your life and helps you find inner strength and peace. Further, when you are kind to others, you learn to be kind to yourself.

Live a good life - refrain from hurting others and yourself. Be a blessing to others and yourself. Don't take anything for granted. Appreciate the worth of everything that you encounter in your life. When you make a mistake; acknowledge it, regret it, understand what caused it, accept that there may be consequences, learn from it, and resolve not to make that same mistake again. Then let it go and be free to move on.

Be patient - keep calm when faced with things outside of your control. When you are patient, you are in a state of allowing. When you are allowing, you open yourself to the good things and blessings that are available and ready for you, even in moments when all you can imagine is pulling your hair out and screaming.

Be mindful - happiness is right now, right here, moment-by-moment, day-by-day. You create it as you go along and therefore it is your choice. When you are mindful, you live the life you are meant to live, you are being true to your inner self and you nourish your soul. When you are mindful, you notice the beauty around you, appreciate moments, and create an opportunity to learn, grow, improve and love.

Make friends and spend time with them - a friend is someone you keep because of who they are and who you are when you are with them. A friend is someone who lifts you up when you are down, who knows all your faults but loves you anyway, is someone you would do anything for, no holes barred and who would do the same for you. The number of friends does not determine happiness in life. It is the quality of the friendships you make and keep. Friendship is the fun you share, the secrets you tell each other and the memories you create together. So make good, true friends and spend time with them. It is the time you spend with them that will nurture your friendships and help them to grow and last.

Spend time with family - they can be your backbone, your strength, your comfort and your support if you let them.

Finally, know I love you.

I always have and always will. I will be here for you in good times and bad. I will share your happiness and hold you when you are in pain. I will be your rock when you need and the voice of reason and honesty when you need that as well. I will never lie to you or let you down. I can be your friend and your confidant, if you need, but I will always be your mother and I will always love you. You can find solace in my arms and a bed in my house. You may be too big to sit on my lap but it is still available, if you need. Yes, I love you my child, my heart, my beautiful daughter. And yet I give you wings to fly and soar and do and be all you can be and do.

GOOD LUCK AND MANY, MANY BLESSINGS!!!!!!!!!!!

A Spiritual Journey - loving again

.04 Loving Again

By Angela
My late husband's birthday was May 6th. This year he would have been the big 5-0. As such, I have been thinking about him even more than usual. Also, the other day, my late husband's best friend came to town to visit. We talked a lot about the past, the present, and the future. He is in the process of ending his marriage and we talked a lot about that. I am a widow trying to find my way again, during a time when dating websites are more popular than night clubs. We talked a lot about that.

He fell in love, married, believed it would last forever and then had the rug pulled from under his feet. As we talked it was not surprising to find him hurt, feeling betrayed, bitter and suspicious. And yet, he believed he would marry again. He still has hope for his future. I, on the other hand, fell in love, married, believed it would last forever and then my husband was killed. Although I have felt betrayed and hurt, I am not bitter and not suspicious. Yet, for the longest, it was hard for me to believe I would ever fall in love again, much less get married again. I did not have hope. I asked him about his quasi-optimism. He says it is his faith and belief in God, his support system and that he is a marrying man. He said he likes being married. I, contrarily, never aspired to marriage, never thought I would be married, but did marry because I loved and wanted to be married to my husband.

We were together for eighteen years. We dated for nine and were married for nine. It was a wonderful experience. Maybe that was why I had such a hard time when my husband was killed. People told me I was young; I would get married again; I would fall in love again. I laughed, rebelled, got angry. I never acknowledged the possibility of loving again. I wanted to live the rest of my life in the warmth of my late husband's love for me. It helped that my friends and family thought we had a great marriage. They kept the cocoon of my husband's love alive for me. Now, as I look back, I realize it also prolonged my grieving process.

For years I just suffered. It was written allover my face. It was in the way I walked, the way I talked, the things I did and the things I chose not to do. Then, one day, I began to laugh. A good sign. But I did not want anything to do with men. I hated it when men looked at me and heaven forbid a man would deign to talk to me. I don't know how long that would have lasted if it wasn't for a male friend of the family who took an interest in me. He put up with my total reluctance to get emotionally involved with any other man for years until he finally decided enough was enough and left me to myself. I now realize what a patient man he was and I am sorry for what I unintentionally put him through. He is truly a good man.

But time has gone by and I am no longer in a place of pain and misery. About one year ago, I decided I wanted to start dating again. What an experience it has been. How different times are from 29 years ago when I started dating my late husband. I have gone through a legion of emotions. I hate dating and yet I have actually reached a positive place as a "single" woman. I no longer feel dating is betraying my late husband. I no longer feel I will never fall in love. I no longer think a man cannot fit into my life or that I cannot fit (and don't want to fit) into another man's life. I no longer think there is no man out there with whom I can be as happy as I was with my late husband. Now when I think about my future, I think of Corinne Bailey Rae's song "Breathless." I want a man who leaves me breathless, breathless when he says my name, when he looks at me, and when he touches me. I want a man I can bring home to my family and my child. I want a man I can share my day with. Hell, I want a man I can share my nights with.

So, as my husband turns fifty in heaven, I look above and remind him I love him and always will. I also acknowledge I am open, willing and ready to have a happy, healthy, loving relationship again. So, today, find someone you love and tell them. Take the time to appreciate your partner and let them know you do. Give someone special in your life your time and attention. And for all you out there feeling alone right now, have hope in tomorrow. It does eventually come and it does eventually loom brighter. Better days are ahead. It is true, all there is...is love.

"As each day dies in the arms of night, so each woman should live in the arms of someone who truly cares. It is the fatal flaw in everyone that they must be loved." The Child of Judas, Violet Winspear (1976).

A Spiritual Journey - surround yourself with beauty

03. Flowers

By Angela

You know, the last time we talked, I was in a funk. I have to tell you writing about it helped tremendously. So, I was going to write about writing, but, I felt soooo good, instead of taking myself to dinner, I bought myself a huge bouquet of lilacs. Why was that so special? I love flowers. I love their colors, their textures. I love their shapes and their sizes. I love the ones with a scent and the ones without. I just love flowers. So, this is about flowers and filling your life with beauty.

I often wonder why I have such an affinity, attraction for flowers. I think it is because surrounding myself with flowers (and plants) is like cultivating my own, personal garden. It is my own slice of sunshine, my own patch of happiness. And every time I look at them or water them, I am enhancing my happiness, my sunshine, my paradise. And every time I water them or spray them or feed them, I am nourishing my environment and they nourish me back. In a sense, I am loving that which loves me back.

So, I firmly believe surrounding yourself with things you find beautiful brings sunshine to your soul. My home, as you can imagine, is filled with photography and sculpture and candles and pictures and music and books and comforters and plants and color and flowers, lots of flowers (hell, lots of most of these things). All of these things are, to me, beautiful. All of these things warm my heart when I look at or touch or smell them. They all truly bring sunshine to my soul.

Flowers are not only beautiful, they are fragile. But for all their fragility, they are sturdy. They start as seeds. They endure harsh weather conditions. They push through hard dirt seeking sun. They suffer through rains, storms, heavy winds and drought to face the world and then live a short life. Yet that life is one non-stop adventure. They turn their faces to the heavens and endure. They bring beauty and sweet fragrance into our lives. Yes, flowers are fragile things of beauty but they are also things of integrity. As Alexandra Stoddard said in her book, Choosing Happiness, “There is such tenderness in flowers …. (they) remind me how beautiful and fragile life is. Consider the supreme dignity of a single flower.”

So, surround yourself with the beauty of creation …. Surround yourself with the beauty of the creativity of “man" ... surround yourself with the things that bring beauty into your life and appreciate just how beautiful and fragile life is. Remember….bringing beauty into your life brings sunshine to your soul.

Flowers are the beauty of creation. Harken to what they have to teach. Share in the joy of their love.

A Spiritual Journey - apologies and forgiving yourself

02. Apologies

By Angela

I hate being a blue. It means I have a tendency to get in a funk, sometimes for no discernible reason. Well, I have been in one, off and on, for the last week or so. Today, I reached my base line; which, for me, is often a moment of revelation. Today, I remembered my spiritual journey to reach the place where I am the better me. So I tried to look at my unhappy place to see what I could do to improve my mood. I had already spent the morning saying thanks. But, I had failed at visualizing. I was feeling fat and ugly and I just did not want to meditate. This is usually about the time I start beating up on myself about everything and anything.

I was on my path of self-destruction when I remembered (don't know why) one positive thing that had happened this week. I had an extensive, positive, loving conversation with NM. We had not spoken to each other (at least by phone) for a long time. Looking back, I think it was because we were both overwhelmed by life and unable (for once) to turn to each other for help. I think we were also mad with each other over minor issues and both of us felt we were in the right and waiting on the other to apologize for our imagined wrong. But I followed The Language Of Apology by Gary Chapman. That is why I think we were now able to engage in such a great phone conversation and why we are now on our way to regaining our loving relationship.

In The Language Of Apology, Gary Chapman basically says that each of us has a specific language of apology and that no matter how sorry we are, if we do not express it in the appropriate language for the appropriate person, they will not feel that we are truly sorry.
The five languages of apology are 1) expressing regret - saying I am sorry; 2) accepting responsibility - saying I was wrong; 3) Making restitution - asking what can I do to make it better; 4) genuinely repenting - saying I will not do it again and meaning it; and 5) requesting forgiveness - saying please forgive me. He also says that in order to apologize we have to forgive as well.

After listening to him speak about the languages, I decided to forgive NM for any wrongs I may have felt about the situation. Then I decided to apologize to NM and I used all of the languages of apology. When I first apologized, I felt that my apology was not accepted. But, as time has passed and we have interacted with each other more and even called each other, it feels as if we have each managed to move on and are both trying to find our way back to each other. So now when I look at our last conversation, I smile. I guess I have learned many things from this experience. Most importantly, sincere apologies work, even if they are not made or accepted immediately. Also, we can apologize to and forgive ourselves.

What is my point about all of this? I have decided to apologize to and forgive myself for the way I treat myself when I am in a funk. So today, I am sorry I do not allow myself to acknowledge my unhappiness and freely move on from it without mistreating myself. I am wrong for blaming myself for everything. I vow to not do it anymore and to not abuse myself if I sometimes fall. I ask myself for forgiveness, I forgive myself and I am taking myself out to dinner tomorrow night as my act of restitution.

So, today, forgive yourself for any wrongs you may have endured at your own hands. Find someone you owe an apology to and sincerely apologize to them. Genuinely accept another's apology. And, love yourself enough to let it go and move on.

Apology is a lovely perfume; it can transform the clumsiest moment into a gracious gift. ~Margaret Lee Runbeck, US author 1905-1956