Spiritual Journey

SPIRITUAL JOURNEY
.14 More on The Invitation

HAVE YOU TOUCHED THE CENTER OF YOUR SORROW
By Angela

"It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain. I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it."

-- from The Invitation, Oriah Mountain dreamer --

I have done all of those things and then some. I have experienced deep sorrow and ultimate betrayal by life. I have closed myself off from fear of further pain. I have just sat with my pain. Years ago, my uncle, a New York City hospital officer was gunned down by a major Columbian drug lord. Years later, my husband, a New York City police officer, was gunned down in the line of duty and my father, who was suffering through two kinds of cancer, died the very next day. At the time, my daughter was a little girl, and my husband and I were trying to have another child...

Those two events were so devastating that at times, all I could do was acknowledge the pain; all I could do was endure. The pain was so overwhelming, I shut down. I don’t even remember most of the events of the year following the deaths of my husband and father. And, when my life began to take on some form of normalcy again, I consciously chose to close myself off from further pain. I let no newcomers into my circle of friends and refused to have any dealings with men. I said I would never date again, never fall in love again.If that wasn't enough, some of the people in my circle and my husband’s circle could not handle what happened and stopped dealing with my daughter and me. They said that being around us was a constant reminder of what happened and they could not handle that. So they chose to stop being in our lives. They were people who were important to me, but more than that; people who were important to my daughter. We learned to live without the two most important men in our lives and the absence of long-held friendships.

So, I have sat with pain, and just endured. I have closed myself off to avoid further pain. I have done all that. But, in the end, I learned to let go. First, I made new friends. Then, I freed myself of the bonds that the fear of the pain of loss cause and am now I am in a place of hope. I am now open to love; I am open to giving and receiving love. Hell, I’m even open to the knowledge that taking a chance on love also means the possibility of experiencing sorrow all over again... though I hope that doesn't happen. Was letting go easy? Hell, no it wasn’t. Some of the people who were very close to my family dealt with the deaths by drinking to excess - a sure fire way to avoid facing pain. Some refused to cry, prided themselves on never shedding a tear. Even I even went through a period when I refused to cry. After all, many of us have been taught that tears are a sign of weakness. And, for a while, I was actually unable to cry. But one day, I was caught off guard and I cried. No, I sobbed...great, big, gut-wrenching tears. You know, painful, nose running, hiccup-causing, can’t see or breathe tears...tears so intense you feel like they will never stop. Yes, I cried those tears, and from then on, it was easier to cry. And I must admit, I still sometimes cry and it still hurts. But I believe that moment was the beginning of my cleansing and healing.

In the end, I think the most healing moments came when I just sat with my pain. It was like my skin for such a long time, it was hard not to acknowledge it. But, I mean I really sat with my pain; I examined it; I spoke to it; I let it speak to me. Those moments gave me insight into many aspects of my life, my marriage, my husband and my father. Those moments also gave me insight into where I was with my pain, Those moments are where I eventually found hope. Those moments are where I began to let go.

This week, examine your life. Are there areas of pain you have chosen not to deal with? Pull those painful memories out and begin to tackle them head on. Face your pain, acknowledge it, sit with it, speak to it. Cry if you can. Then determine to conquer your pain and let it go. First acknowledge there is a thing called hope that you can rely on. If you can do this, you can begin to move on.

Good morning heartache / Here we go again / Good morning heartache / 

You're the one who knew me when / Might as well get use to you / 

hanging around / Good morning heartache / Sit down 

-- written by Irene Higgenbotham, Ervin Drake, and Dan Fisher originally recorded by jazz singer Billie Holiday in 1946) --

SPIRITUAL JOURNEY - Finishing up The Invitation

.21 Finishing The Invitation

By Angela Skeete Davis

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I have disappointed another so I can be true to myself and I have borne the accusation of betrayal so as not to betray my own soul. I have borne it through pain and sadness and love. It is a hard lesson to learn to be true to one’s self. But, if we are not true to our selves, how can we be true in other aspects of our life or to anyone else.

I want to know if you can see beauty, even when it’s not pretty, every day, and if you can source your own life from its presence. I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the moon, “Yes!”

Can I see beauty, even when it’s not pretty, every day, and can I source my own life from its presence? And, can I live with failure and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the moon, “Yes!” Yes! I see beauty everywhere. I see beauty in all things. Or at least I try. I believe in the beauty of creation and the beauty of life, its good and its bad. People tease me because I tend to see the good in everyone, or at least try to. I often remember taking a little girl to the bathroom. When it was time to wash her hands I was upset because the bar of soap was dirty. She, however, looked at the soap and began to smile. When I asked her what made her so happy she told me the bar of soap looked like a flower. I had to work hard to look past the dirt but, eventually I was able to see what she saw. I have never forgotten that. There is beauty in everything, you just have to be willing and open to it.

And, who has not lived with failure of some kind. I have experienced failure and then bounced back from it. I have shaken my head at the unfairness of life and said “Yes, I can go on and will.” I have seen the bottom of the barrel and pulled myself out of it to go on. I have done it in the past with the deaths of my husband (a police officer shot to death), my uncle (a Veterans Administration police officer also shot to death), my father (from cancer) and my sister-in-law (from lupus) and with other things that I have experienced. I am sure I will in the future. It is part of life and I accept that. I just know I will not let life beat me down; instead, I try to remember just how good life can be. This and hope always help me to go on.

It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children. It doesn’t interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

Can I get up, after a night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children? I can and I have many, many, many times. When my husband was killed, the nights were hard to get through. But no matter how hard, I had a six year old to think of and I had to keep her life as normal as possible. No matter what I went through at night, in the morning I got up, got her cleaned, dressed, fed and off to school with a smile, a hug and an "I love you." I believe it was my child and the semblance of normalcy that helped me to get out of bed and go on, even when I didn’t want to. Thankfully, I am not there any more. Thankfully time and I have moved on.

I have had someone very dear to me live with and die of cancer. I have had someone else very dear to me live with and die of lupus. I helped those two people through very hard and painful times. I have had two people very dear to me get shot and killed. I, like so many others, learned the hard way that life is not easy. I have faced the fire alone and with others. I have not shrunk back. I have faced it out of love, caring and compassion. I have faced it because I have not thought of myself. I have faced it sometimes in spite of myself. I have faced it with faith and hope. And, I am sure, if necessary, I will do so again. Those are truly moments that are just not about you (not "what about me" moments). I have heard them referred to as moments of “the grand gesture”. I just think of them as moments of true humility and gentleness. And I just hope that should I have to face the fire again, I will stand tall.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.

What sustains me, from the inside, when all else falls away- hope and faith. Faith and hope carry with them, for me, the belief that tomorrow is another day, that tomorrow will be better and that tomorrow is another chance. My faith is deep and strong. It has been tested, but it has held on. I have been angry at fate, at life, at God/the Creator, the Universe. But I have always believed in Him/It. In even the worst of times, those "I want it all to be over" times, my faith has kept me holding on. In the dark of night when I no longer want to go on and when hope is gone, faith (though smaller than a mustard seed) has kept me from throwing in the towel. What sustains me? My faith and hope sustain me.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

Honestly. I like my company. I need me time, crave me time. And, in the empty moments, I do like my company. I read, meditate, write, sing, dance, pray, sit in silence with my thoughts and praise and say thank you. I even take myself out on a date sometimes. In the end, I am the only person on earth I can never get away from, so I better like myself and I do. I like my company.

Now, do “The Invitation” on your own and, if you ask yourself nothing else, ask: “what sustains me?" And, if you do nothing else ….do you - get to know and like you.

“Amazing, isn't it, how some see the basket half empty and others see it half full? Some see life hopeless, some hopeful. Even when things are less than perfect, if you can think of the good, the beautiful, the hopeful, you'll be more than sustained.”

Author Unknown

SPIRITUAL JOURNEY - can you be with joy

.17 CAN YOU BE WITH JOY?More on The Invitation
By Angela Skeete Davis

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.

Can I be with joy, dance with wildness and let the ecstasy of the moment fill me to the tips of my fingers and toes without cautioning myself or others? Yes, I can and I have. I have experienced joy so amazing I could not sit still; joy so moving that I reveled in it and then had to share it. On my wedding day I was joyful. I was emotionally full. I could not eat and I could not sit still. I talked to everyone, smiled constantly, danced every chance I could and laughed a lot. That day was so joyful for me I could not contain my feelings. And after the day was done, I wanted to do it all over again so that I could experience that feeling all over again...

I have also felt joy when in the throes of saying thank you. A quiet joy that has lifted my heart and made my soul and my situation feel lighter. A joy that has made the aches that I experienced almost nonexistent. A joy so freeing that tears of release cleansed me.

I have felt joy when taking the time to think of others and not myself. I can remember working in a soup kitchen, helping a victim of abuse, getting charges dropped against an immigrant who was wrongfully accused of a crime. The thank you from the people I helped was so special I have never forgotten it. I guess, even then I was mindful of the moment. I can still remember how those encounters left me feeling - joyful and blessed.

And I have danced and laughed and played with total abandon many times. While most of those moments have come when I was with my daughter, I believe they were the times when I was most willing to allow the moment to seize me. Those times when I was most willing to give in to impulse, when it was almost impossible not to give in to the feeling of being a living, vibrant being. But I don’t think you can plan to act with total abandon. I think it happens when you are so caught up in the moment, so mindful of the moment that you allow it to, at least in a sense, consume you such that the only way to proceed any further is to release the feelings through acts of total abandonment.

So, I have cavorted through sandy beaches, cried with abandon, basked luxuriantly in the sun, laughed until I cried, embarrassed myself in the streets with foolishness and danced in the rain. I have sung out loud to no one and shouted my joy to whosoever was present to hear. I have let the ecstasy of the moment fill me to the tips of my fingers and toes. And, I am open, eager and ready to do so again. I do believe there is joy that lasts. You just must be open to the moment.

This week, let joy catch you unawares and give in to it. This week, live with abandon, seize the moment, rejoice, find your ecstasy, laugh, love - in essence, be the fully alive, vibrant being you were created to be. Than look back and say thank you.

“Live with intention. Walk to the edge. Listen hard. Practice wellness. Play with abandon. Laugh. Choose with no regret. Appreciate your friends. Continue to learn. Do what you love. Live as if this is all there is.”

Mary Anne Radmacher

Spiritual Journey - can you choose to look foolish

11 More on THE INVITATIONCAN YOU CHOOSE TO LOOK FOOLISH?
By Angela

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

Would I risk looking like a fool for love, for my dream, for the adventure of being alive? Yes. For me, the question is would I risk feeling like a fool. You know, I used to think I was afraid of telling some of the people I love how I feel about them or about issues involving them because of my pride. But on my journey of self-improvement, I have come to realize that actually, it is not my pride I have to work on. It is my fear of rejection. Pride and fear of rejection are not the same thing, though we do sometimes confuse them. And while it is said love overcomes fear, that is more theory than reality. Love, if we let it, can help us get past some types of fear. Love of our selves, that is. But not all types of fear and it is not an easy process.

In the end, it is our love of our selves combined with our thought-process that helps us get past fear. After all, it was our thought-process that put us where we are in the first place. And, I don't mean a random type of thought-process. I mean a conscientious thought-process. After all, we can control our thoughts and emotions. We just don't realize it or acknowledge it...

So, I have risked looking like a fool for the adventure of being alive (I have danced in the rain along the streets of Manhattan). I have also risked looking like a fool for love I was confident was returned (I have shouted to the world the depth of my feelings). But, I do not think I have often risked feeling like a fool for love (love I was not confident was mutual) or for my dreams involving my relationships with my friends and family. As I say, my fear of rejection has often been too great. But, it has happened. There have been occasions when I have willingly put myself out there for someone I cared for. It took time, anticipation and willingness to be rejected, but I did it. The first time with not so great results and the second with much better results.

I cannot say that those two times have made it easy for me to willingly step out on a limb and take the chance of feeling like a fool again. But I can say that my choice to do so was worth the end result. So, I will continue to work on looking and feeling like a fool for my dreams and as such, will continue to make inroads in my life and my relationships. After all, what is the worse that can happen, nothing gets changed. And what is the best, all is improved to even better than I imagined.

This week, examine your life. Ask yourself if you are willing to risk looking like a fool for the things that are important to you, the people that are important to you. Then, check and determine if there is someone you need to face about an issue that has been hanging over your life. An issue that you have difficulty facing. Then get it together and face that person. Take a chance. You might get even better results than you expected. And if you don't, at least you have the knowledge that you faced your mountain and survived. I will. I hope you do. And until the next time and the next part of The Invitation. take care of you.

The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing, and becomes nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn and feel and change and grow and love and live.

Leo F. Buscaglia (American guru, tireless advocate of the power of love, 1924-1998)

SPIRITUAL JOURNEY - what do you ache for (part two)

10 More on THE INVITATIONWhat Do You Ache For? Part Two

By Angela Skeete Davis

"It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and, if you dream of meeting your heart's longing" 

(The Invitation)

As I continue to talk about what I ache for, from The Invitation; let me reiterate that I ache to experience clarity of emotion so that I can: (1) be happy with who I am and what I do with my life, (2) experience deep, abiding, true love with my family, my friends and a man I can share my life with; and (3) share true, inner happiness with those I love.

Though I do not have a lot of friends, I treasure the ones I have. We have been through good, bad and some very hard times and have managed to stick it out, together. When my husband was killed, my assigned counselor once told me he had never seen a group of friends as caring and kind to each other as my group of friends. I knew it to be true then and I know it to be true now. Times may change and our lives may change but not our love and caring for each other. I firmly believe, it is not the number of friends you have that makes the difference, it is the quality of friendships you keep. That is clarity of emotion.

As for a man in my life. Well, I had a great run with a wonderful man. When he was killed, I believed I would never love like that again. I no longer believe that. I know I have a lot of love to give. I am ready to share all of that with another. That is the longing of my heart. I am looking for a life partner, a soul mate. I want a man who -when he says my name leaves me breathless, when he looks at me I get weak in the knees, and when he kisses me, I tremble with desire. Some say I want it all. That may be, but when I find him, I will give my all to him. Trust, we will share a deep, abiding love that will make others want what we have. And, it will be good. That is clarity of emotion.

Finally, I ache to share true inner happiness with those I love. Now, I know that no one lives in a constant state of happiness. But I also know that I would rather be happy than unhappy. I would rather be inwardly happy than in constant pain. I have been there. I believe we can live a life of true, inner happiness. True, inner happiness acknowledges pain when it comes, learns from it and then lets it go. I want that happiness inside of me. In my heart. In my soul. In my every day experiences. For those I love. That is clarity of emotion.

What is true, inner happiness? I think it is inner satisfaction with the choices we make and how we live our life. It is the ability to look in the mirror without shame or embarrassment. It is having friends and family that matter to you; it is knowing that you matter to someone. It is having hope and faith in something real. It is having purpose in your life. It is having something that you are passionate about. One can be poor but be happy. One can be sick and yet be happy. One can even be alone and be happy. But one cannot be without friends, family, purpose, or someone to love or the love of someone and be happy. Trust, if one is alone and happy, that person knows that the alone-time is, for the most part, by choice.

Inner happiness exists when we are surrounded by things that make us happy and do things that make us smile. Inner happiness is not really a journey that we take, it is the road we take on the journey to where we are going; it is the road we took on our journey to where we are now. You can choose to be unhappy but why would you . Why would anyone willingly choose to be unhappy. I choose, every morning, when I wake up, and every night before I go to bed, to enjoy inner happiness.

Once again, take a moment and search your inner heart, that still small place within you that most of us avoid. Take a close look and ask yourself - what do I ache for? What do I long for? And once you know the answer, take the next step and ask yourself if you are taking the steps necessary for you to achieve what you long for, ache for, I did. I hope you will. Until next week and more of The Invitation, take care of you.

If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.

Henry David Thoreau

SPIRITUAL JOURNEY - what do you ache for (part one)

.09 More on THE INVITATION: What do you ache for?

by Angela

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and, if you dream of meeting your heart's longing.


This is so simple for me. I ache to experience clarity of emotion so that I can: (1) be happy with who I am and what I do with my life, (2) experience deep, abiding, true love with my family, my friends and a man I can share my life with; and (3) share true, inner happiness with those I love. I dream of meeting my heart's longing every day of my life, every chance I can- just for the fun of it.

As I have said in the past. I was a shadow of my self for many years. Then one day, without warning, I threw off my shell and ventured back into the real world. In doing so, I realized that, at least in a sense, I was beginning a whole, new phase of my life. With that realization, I chose to examine who I was and what I wanted. I knew I wanted to be my highest self, the best me I could be and so I began traveling this road of self-improvement. I began to really examine my life and my emotions. It was with a little anxiety and a modicum of trepidation that I searched my heart. I knew it would mean change and that is hard for me. I knew it would mean being honest with myself about myself and my emotions. Nevertheless, I dared to enter grounds that were previously uncharted. There, I discovered my heart's true longings and the thing that makes me ache - clarity of emotion.

Emotions are strange things. They can lie to us about the world and our place in it. They can deceive us and play tricks on our mind. If we do not take the time to get in touch with them, we can lose perspective, sometimes trusting them exclusively and often to our detriment. Emotions can also be based on false reality - things that are not necessarily true (although they may be true for us). Alternatively, if we close them up or ignore them, when we open them up again, they become one big mass of contradictions and confusion.

We question them, even when they are real, because we have forgotten how to trust them and when to trust them. So clarity of emotion is a good thing. It means our emotions have been examined, considered and put into proper perspective. For me, it means I am becoming more open with them; that I consider them, that I am beginning to know how and when to trust them. Clarity of emotion allows us to seek to experience the emotions that we need in our life and then to appreciate their reality when we finally experience them. For me, that is love of family, friends and a man I choose to share my life with.

Love of family, friends and a man has become more important to me as I have matured. Everyday, when I pray, I say thank you for my family, I pray them joy, happiness, peace and the manifestation of their dream lives. I also thank God for their presence in my life and pray that we continue to grow together, that our familial bonds may be strengthened by love and kindness, gentleness and forgiveness. We have not always been close though we have always loved each other. I think it has taken time and maturity for us to appreciate all that each of us has been through and to accept each other, flawed and imperfect. I think we have all come to realize that love is the greatest gift we can give each other. I know I have! That is what comes of clarity of emotion.

That's it for this week. I will continue my thoughts on this part of The Invitation next week. In the meantime, examine your heart. What do you ache for? Are you taking steps to reach your heart's longing? Remember, this is the only life you have and this is the time to go for it Take a chance and reach for your heart's longings. The worst is to wake up and realize you have wasted days on everything but what is important to You. So... GO FOR IT!

If life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, lets all get wasted and have the time of our lives.

author unknown

Spiritual Journey - the invitation

.08 The Invitation

by Angela

I am reading this book by Oriah Mountain Dreamer. It starts with a bit called “The Invitation”. It is a “declaration of intent”, an assessment on how we might live better. It is a real perspective on how we might interact with one another; a viewpoint to consider on the road to self-improvement. I would like to share it with you.

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and, if you dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain. I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty, even when it’s not pretty, every day, and if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the moon, “Yes!”

It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

I don’t like her book nearly as much as I like “The Invitation.” I guess it is because I, like so many, was so moved by the prose poem that the follow-up just could not live up to my expectations. Now, after reading “The Invitation” as a whole, I plan to spend the next few columns examining specific sections of it to determine if I am living up to my truths within the context of her prose. I challenge you to do the same.

You can read the invitation for yourself and read more about Oriah Mountain Dreamer at www.oriahmountaindreamer.com/