SPIRITUAL JOURNEY - Love Angst (part two)

.23 Love Angst (Part Two)
by Angela Skeete Davis

Think about this, if you don’t let go, you will become stagnant and paralyzed. But if you do let go, you open yourself to the possibility of forever next time. Does that not work for you? I have another. Write all the bad stuff down on paper. Then rip it up into tiny pieces, put those tiny pieces in an ashtray, set it all on fire and watch them burn away. Hopefully some of your pain will burn away too. Or bury the paper. The point is to put some action to your letting go to make the letting go a little easier.

Does that not work for you? Do you need an example, instead? How about a story? I know a man who has had his share of relationship endings and heartache. Yet when he talks, you can hear in his voice and see in his face how much he loved in those past relationships. You can hear and see how hard he tried to make the relationships work. I am sure that when women hear him speak about his past, about his former loves, they want to get next to him. A man that can love like that and keep the good and speak of the good in spite of the bad is a man to be cherished. Most women want to be loved like that. Hell, most men want to be loved like that. When he says he wants to experience the joy that loving can bring, the happiness that being in love can bring, you believe him.

Still not convinced that choosing not to fall in love is not the answer? How about this?(I may have told you about this already, I don’t remember) A few years ago, a friend of mine met a man and six months later told me she was in love with him. As she is a widow like me and we have had, in the past, similar feelings about the possibility of falling in love again (never), I was surprised. I asked her how it could happen. She said her capacity to love her husband gave her the capacity to love again. She said she had enough love in her to still love her husband deeply and yet love this man deeply and truly. She said she brings to the relationship all that she had with her husband plus all of her maturity and other experiences; that now, older, she can love deeper, more passionately, with more knowledge and more abilities. She said she was excited about the relationship and its possibilities.

I was skeptical. But I thought a lot about what she said and eventually a light bulb came on in my head and I got it. A loving relationship that ends does not limit our ability to love, it enhances it. The more we love, the more we can love. The more we can love, the more we are given opportunities to love. The more opportunities we are given, the more we love. It is a beautiful circle of love. That I get. That I want to be a part of. Like a love-fest of life. If it is a ride, sign me up. If it is a party, where can I get my ticket. If it is just about life, let me live it to the fullest.

I guess the ultimate comment is it is better to step out on faith, and take a chance at love and true, everlasting happiness than to stay within one’s self and deny love to prevent possible heartache. Besides, whoever heard of possible heartache. Shouldn't possibility be about hope, be about heart-joy or heart-happiness. After all, without hope there is no real chance at love and without love, we die or become scarred. So, if I must die and I must, I want to die knowing I gave love every possible chance.

Still not sure, here are some things I think are true…

It doesn’t matter how they left you feeling, what matters is how you felt at the very best of times.
Do not honor them by remembering the worst and how it left you emotionally, honor yourself by remembering the best, how much of yourself you gave and how good that was.
Do not deny yourself because it did not work out that time, delight yourself with the anticipation and expectation of “possible forever happiness” this time.
Do not count your moments by the memories that broke your heart, fill your heart album with the moments that caused your soul to soar.
Do not look to the failure as the whole of the relationship, remember the success within and use them as your barometer for what to expect next.

“The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in.”
Morrie Schwartz (December 20, 1916 to November 4, 1995, an American educator)

SPIRITUAL JOURNEY - a love angst (part one)

.22 Love Angst (Part One) by Angela Skeet Davis

This is about love. As I have said in the past, I was not going to write about love. It is not that I have anything against love. But, I wanted to write about my spiritual journey and I thought the two were separate. Quite the contrary. It seems to me that love is pretty much all we talk about. Even when we are not talking about love, we are talking about love….or sex (but that is another conversation left for another day).

Anyway, isn’t love what most of our conversations are about, at least underneath. When we complain about how others treat us, we are really complaining that they don’t treat us with love. When we look at all the “isms” and prejudices that we experience aren’t they all about someone denying us love. And when we are happy or joyful isn’t it really because something positive has happened to us that opens up our hearts to love

Maybe I am over-simplifying things. My point really is, we are made from love, for love, to love. When we deny ourselves the opportunity to experience love, in all its forms, we deny ourselves our very essence. In point of fact, we deny our spirits, our souls, ourselves the ultimate nourishment. You know, scientists have discovered that babies will die or become emotionally dysfunctional if not given love and affection the first year of their lives. So too, we die or become emotionally scarred if we are not given love, if we do not experience love. The profundity of it is almost mind-blowing.

So my question - why would we want to deny ourselves love? ...

And so many of us do, either because of bad break ups or because of broken hearts. But love is a majestic feeling. And while it can cause us to descend to the lowest of lows, it can also lift our hearts and spirits. It can bring a glow to our faces, brighten a day and ease pain. The expression “friendship doubles our joy and divides our grief” is true because friendship is based on mutual love.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I am not saying that love is perfect. It is not. Nor am I saying that all love lasts. We all know that love can end and sometimes it can end cruelly or bitterly. I recognize that sometimes the end of love can be soooo painful, can beat us up soooo badly, we never want to take a chance on love again. I just do not believe that is the answer.

That is really what I want to talk about. The immobilization that a bad end to loving can bring about. I have read many books and heard many say that we can control our emotions and that the emotions that others cause us to feel are their story and that, as such, we should be able to let go and move on with our own story. Deep inside, I know it is true - the people who break our hearts are not thinking about us or how we are feeling. Half the time, they don’t even realize that we are still lamenting that thing they said or did. So, if they can move on, we should move on. But to know it and then to believe it and act as if it true is each very different and very hard to do.

More importantly, you would think we would all want to let go of the negative effects of painful endings to love. You would think we would all want to just put them out of our minds - leaving space for the next good relationship. But we don’t. Letting go and moving on is like cleaning out the clothes in one’s closet. First, we have to make time to clean out the closet and there are always so many other things we would rather do. Then, we have to figure out what we are going to do with the things we decide to get ride of, which can be a hassle. Now, if we get past this stage and actually start to go through our closet, that is when the hard part begins. We keep things we no longer wear because we hate parting with things we have invested part of our selves in. We tell ourselves that either we are actually going to wear that one day because the style is going to come back or we are going to lose those extra pounds. In reality, it is just easier to keep what we have than deal with throwing things out. We forget getting rid of old means making space for new.

Similarly, we hold on to past relationships. They take up residence in our hearts and minds. Sometimes we believe they will come back. But, more often, we are just scared to venture back out into the world of dating and the possibility of loving again. That fear of falling in love and it failing rears its ugly head and prevents us from experiencing the wonder, beauty and happiness of love. We become cautious in spite of ourselves, because of ourselves.

I know, I know …. tell that to someone who is going through a break-up or a divorce. The pain and devastation left behind is like the work of a wrecking ball - all chaos and confusion and destruction with no hope of recovery. Yet, most of us do, eventually, learn to go on. We do eventually go on again. Granted we take with us the baggage that the ended relationship has left us with, but we move on.

What I want is for us (myself included) is to learn to let go of the baggage. At least some of it. This is one of my favorite things to do to let go and move on. Take some time and think about your relationship. Remember the good memories and take them and place them in your heart album. Then, take all the lessons you have learned and store them away in your brain to be pulled out as needed. Take what is left, grind it into grains of sand and blow it all away. It is not an easy task but with practice, it can work. What it does is allow you to let go of the negatives and keep only the positives.

“I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.”

Mother Theresa of Calcutta (August 26, 1910 to September 5, 1997

SPIRITUAL JOURNEY - A Hard Blog to Write

.20 A Hard Blog to Write

By Angela Skeete Davis

It is great to keep friends in your life who have known you long enough to know when you are living a lie or lying to yourself; friends who confront you with where you think you are versus where you really are; friends who love you enough to be honest with you about you. But damn it ain’t easy. Having said that, the other day I was on the phone with someone very dear to me. We were having a serious catch-up conversation. The conversation turned to me and as we talked I began to realize how wrong I had been about some things in my life. Eventually my blog came up. She and I discussed some of the things I have written. She went on to tell me, not that I had not been honest with my readers, but that I had been under a delusion about myself and just how far I had come, at least in one area of my life. She said I had not really done what I said I had done or thought I had done and that I had not really progressed as far as I thought I had. In short she said that maybe I am not where I think I am...

What am I talking about? Well, one of the things I am pleased with is that I try to be honest with others. If I like you I tell you or if I want something from you, then I will tell you. I have admitted that I am afraid of rejection from people I care about (like family or friends) and this makes me sometimes reluctant to talk about things that I feel might cause rejection. But I do so, to be true to me. Other than that, I believe I am willing to speak what is on my mind. But my friend said that whether or not I am willing to admit it to myself, lately I don’t speak up if it means I will be putting my feelings on the line and possibly getting hurt. She said that I am afraid of experiencing the pain I experienced with my husband’s death and so have not been willing to put myself out there in my relationships. While I had points to argue and refute her assessment, she was able to really get me to examine my actions, or lack thereof. It was hard to do and harder to accept, but I had to admit it. I have unconsciously wrapped my arms so tight around myself to avoid pain that I have not allowed myself to step out on faith and take chances.

Wow. The worse part is although I have, on more than one occasion, stated affirmatively and with even an air of arrogance that I have been upfront and honest and put myself out there in my relationships, I now realize that I maybe I have not. My friend said that I have stepped up to the plate, but have not taken a single swing at any of the balls that may have come my way. I told my friend that I didn’t see the balls. She said I was just too afraid to look. She said that I am truly ready to move on and enter into a real relationship again when I am ready to step out on faith and say how I feel. Worse, she said, that in the past I had always been able to step out on faith and take a chance on love.

She told me that it is not enough for me to want a relationship, I have to be willing to accept the pain that may come if it doesn’t work. I told her I had written that I was willing to love even if it meant I might get hurt. She said it is one thing to say you are ready. It is another to take the steps and show that you are ready. She asked what steps I had taken. I told her all the things I had done. She said, "that’s nice," but that none of the things I said showed a willingness to actually put myself out there. She said all I had done was make it easy for someone else to put themselves out there to me. She asked me since when did I become one of those women who wants to be rescued by a knight in shining armor. She said that had never been me and I insisted that it was not who I was now. “Good”, she said. “prove it.”

As you can imagine, our conversation was intense. We laughed and I cried. I cried remembering how much it hurt when my husband was killed. I cried to think that I might experience that pain again. I realized that I am afraid. Afraid to get hurt. Afraid to go through what I went through before. But I think even more than my fear, I do want to experience the pleasure that a good relationship can bring. I think I want that more that I am afraid.

Before we finished the conversation, she dared me to write about it in my blog. She said a true blog is about the successes and failures of the writer. She said it would not only help me, it might help others. I believe she is right (she usually is). So I took her challenge and am sharing with you our conversation. I am acknowledging that although I have repeatedly said I am ready that I have, unbeknown to myself, done everything but take that leap of faith. So now I am not only saying that I am ready, this time I will prove it. I will take action. But, I am also going to be gentle with myself and allow myself to go with the flow of things while being honest with myself about where I want things to end up.

This week, for real, step out in faith and tell someone how you feel (boss, family, friend, lover). You may be glad you did.

Take risks: if you win, you will be happy; if you lose, you will be wise.

Author Unknown

Why not go out on a limb? Isn't that where the fruit is?

Frank Scully

SPIRITUAL JOURNEY - running from relationships

.19 Running from Relationships
by Angela


Okay, I guess I have decided that part of my spiritual journey includes deciding my stand on relationships. Why? Well, a while back, I had a conversation with someone who swore that women don’t say what they want from relationships or from sex and that the standard roles that men and women seem to slip into bored him and caused him true disinterest in relationships. A comment like that made me want to examine my position on relationships...

I find the comment interesting because I think it is just an excuse to avoid commitment and avoiding commitment seem to be what men and women are becoming better at doing. For example, I have a friend who is in a push-pull relationship that circles around avoidance. The two of them seem to be unable to establish and define their relationship. She is there for him, cares for him and is willing to commit to a real relationship. He cares for her, is there for her, but is commitment-phobic. He gives lots of excuses why he is unable to make an actual commitment to a relationship. But I think it is because of his fear of actually taking a chance. Heaven forbid he might actually commit to something that makes him feel good. She is unwilling to walk away. I think she has a fear of walking out on true happiness. I admire her for sticking it out. I just hope they get it together.

I think of the major relationships I have had, while I won’t say I went after all of them, I will say I had no problem telling the men how I felt and what I wanted. It was, however, easier when I was younger. In fact, one of the things I love about youth is the willingness to put ourselves and our feelings on the line for the fun and joy of possible love. As adults, we are so busy worrying about possible hurt or failure that we are not willing to step out; we are not willing to take a chance. I still tell men how I feel and what I want. But, I must admit, it is not as easy for me as it once was.

I am tired of men who say they know what they want, but are not willing to go for it and then blame it on women who are not as aggressive as they would like them to be. Why is it men expect women to put their feelings out there, but are not willing to do so themselves. Why must women always be the ones willing to take the chance on getting hurt. I have a lot of responsibilities. I make decisions all day long - for myself and for some of the important people in my life. I am looking for a man who is willing to share responsibilities (his and mine) with me. I say I like him and he says he likes me. I reach out to him and he reaches back out to me. Sometimes I take the initiative and sometimes he does. I try to get past my fears and so does he. If I can say what I want, so can he.

Another example ….I have a friend- "Amigo 1." Amigo 1 has spent the last few years telling "Amigo 2" why they should not be together and then complains and wonders why Amigo 2 does not make overtures. I ask you - why would anyone extend themselves to someone they believe is not interested in having a relationship with them (based on what they say so regularly). I don’t get it. My attitude is decide what you want and then say so. If you are interested, take a chance. Don’t just talk about what you want, do it, show it. If you show others what you want, then you should trust they will give it back to you. But I know that will not happen. Why? I think Amigo1, like so many of us, carries baggage of past relationships and like so many of us, is wary. I also think Amigo 1 is waiting for someone, anyone but them, to step out on faith and take the chance. Too bad. Amigo 1 may miss out on true happiness with someone.

I think often we settle for the wrong things because the right things scare us. I think we spend so much time running from things, it becomes automatic and eventually we even run from the right things. But, I want to get to a place where I stop running. I want to get to a place where the right things in life so excite me that I run to them and not from them. I don’t want to miss out on happiness, I want to know what I want, act on what I want and do what I want others to do. I want it all and I want to be willing to seek it, work for it, believe in it, and take a chance on it. I want happiness and I am working towards it. Is it easy? No. But I refuse to give up. How about you? So, what is my stand on relationships - take a chance. You only live once. Make every moment count.

This week take a chance, step out in faith, give love a try. This week, run towards happiness, you may be glad you did.

Living might mean taking chances but they're worth taking, Loving might be a mistake but it's worth making.”

Leanne Womack (American country-pop artist)

A Spiritual Journey - loving again

.04 Loving Again

By Angela
My late husband's birthday was May 6th. This year he would have been the big 5-0. As such, I have been thinking about him even more than usual. Also, the other day, my late husband's best friend came to town to visit. We talked a lot about the past, the present, and the future. He is in the process of ending his marriage and we talked a lot about that. I am a widow trying to find my way again, during a time when dating websites are more popular than night clubs. We talked a lot about that.

He fell in love, married, believed it would last forever and then had the rug pulled from under his feet. As we talked it was not surprising to find him hurt, feeling betrayed, bitter and suspicious. And yet, he believed he would marry again. He still has hope for his future. I, on the other hand, fell in love, married, believed it would last forever and then my husband was killed. Although I have felt betrayed and hurt, I am not bitter and not suspicious. Yet, for the longest, it was hard for me to believe I would ever fall in love again, much less get married again. I did not have hope. I asked him about his quasi-optimism. He says it is his faith and belief in God, his support system and that he is a marrying man. He said he likes being married. I, contrarily, never aspired to marriage, never thought I would be married, but did marry because I loved and wanted to be married to my husband.

We were together for eighteen years. We dated for nine and were married for nine. It was a wonderful experience. Maybe that was why I had such a hard time when my husband was killed. People told me I was young; I would get married again; I would fall in love again. I laughed, rebelled, got angry. I never acknowledged the possibility of loving again. I wanted to live the rest of my life in the warmth of my late husband's love for me. It helped that my friends and family thought we had a great marriage. They kept the cocoon of my husband's love alive for me. Now, as I look back, I realize it also prolonged my grieving process.

For years I just suffered. It was written allover my face. It was in the way I walked, the way I talked, the things I did and the things I chose not to do. Then, one day, I began to laugh. A good sign. But I did not want anything to do with men. I hated it when men looked at me and heaven forbid a man would deign to talk to me. I don't know how long that would have lasted if it wasn't for a male friend of the family who took an interest in me. He put up with my total reluctance to get emotionally involved with any other man for years until he finally decided enough was enough and left me to myself. I now realize what a patient man he was and I am sorry for what I unintentionally put him through. He is truly a good man.

But time has gone by and I am no longer in a place of pain and misery. About one year ago, I decided I wanted to start dating again. What an experience it has been. How different times are from 29 years ago when I started dating my late husband. I have gone through a legion of emotions. I hate dating and yet I have actually reached a positive place as a "single" woman. I no longer feel dating is betraying my late husband. I no longer feel I will never fall in love. I no longer think a man cannot fit into my life or that I cannot fit (and don't want to fit) into another man's life. I no longer think there is no man out there with whom I can be as happy as I was with my late husband. Now when I think about my future, I think of Corinne Bailey Rae's song "Breathless." I want a man who leaves me breathless, breathless when he says my name, when he looks at me, and when he touches me. I want a man I can bring home to my family and my child. I want a man I can share my day with. Hell, I want a man I can share my nights with.

So, as my husband turns fifty in heaven, I look above and remind him I love him and always will. I also acknowledge I am open, willing and ready to have a happy, healthy, loving relationship again. So, today, find someone you love and tell them. Take the time to appreciate your partner and let them know you do. Give someone special in your life your time and attention. And for all you out there feeling alone right now, have hope in tomorrow. It does eventually come and it does eventually loom brighter. Better days are ahead. It is true, all there is...is love.

"As each day dies in the arms of night, so each woman should live in the arms of someone who truly cares. It is the fatal flaw in everyone that they must be loved." The Child of Judas, Violet Winspear (1976).