SPIRITUAL JOURNEY - A Hard Blog to Write

.20 A Hard Blog to Write

By Angela Skeete Davis

It is great to keep friends in your life who have known you long enough to know when you are living a lie or lying to yourself; friends who confront you with where you think you are versus where you really are; friends who love you enough to be honest with you about you. But damn it ain’t easy. Having said that, the other day I was on the phone with someone very dear to me. We were having a serious catch-up conversation. The conversation turned to me and as we talked I began to realize how wrong I had been about some things in my life. Eventually my blog came up. She and I discussed some of the things I have written. She went on to tell me, not that I had not been honest with my readers, but that I had been under a delusion about myself and just how far I had come, at least in one area of my life. She said I had not really done what I said I had done or thought I had done and that I had not really progressed as far as I thought I had. In short she said that maybe I am not where I think I am...

What am I talking about? Well, one of the things I am pleased with is that I try to be honest with others. If I like you I tell you or if I want something from you, then I will tell you. I have admitted that I am afraid of rejection from people I care about (like family or friends) and this makes me sometimes reluctant to talk about things that I feel might cause rejection. But I do so, to be true to me. Other than that, I believe I am willing to speak what is on my mind. But my friend said that whether or not I am willing to admit it to myself, lately I don’t speak up if it means I will be putting my feelings on the line and possibly getting hurt. She said that I am afraid of experiencing the pain I experienced with my husband’s death and so have not been willing to put myself out there in my relationships. While I had points to argue and refute her assessment, she was able to really get me to examine my actions, or lack thereof. It was hard to do and harder to accept, but I had to admit it. I have unconsciously wrapped my arms so tight around myself to avoid pain that I have not allowed myself to step out on faith and take chances.

Wow. The worse part is although I have, on more than one occasion, stated affirmatively and with even an air of arrogance that I have been upfront and honest and put myself out there in my relationships, I now realize that I maybe I have not. My friend said that I have stepped up to the plate, but have not taken a single swing at any of the balls that may have come my way. I told my friend that I didn’t see the balls. She said I was just too afraid to look. She said that I am truly ready to move on and enter into a real relationship again when I am ready to step out on faith and say how I feel. Worse, she said, that in the past I had always been able to step out on faith and take a chance on love.

She told me that it is not enough for me to want a relationship, I have to be willing to accept the pain that may come if it doesn’t work. I told her I had written that I was willing to love even if it meant I might get hurt. She said it is one thing to say you are ready. It is another to take the steps and show that you are ready. She asked what steps I had taken. I told her all the things I had done. She said, "that’s nice," but that none of the things I said showed a willingness to actually put myself out there. She said all I had done was make it easy for someone else to put themselves out there to me. She asked me since when did I become one of those women who wants to be rescued by a knight in shining armor. She said that had never been me and I insisted that it was not who I was now. “Good”, she said. “prove it.”

As you can imagine, our conversation was intense. We laughed and I cried. I cried remembering how much it hurt when my husband was killed. I cried to think that I might experience that pain again. I realized that I am afraid. Afraid to get hurt. Afraid to go through what I went through before. But I think even more than my fear, I do want to experience the pleasure that a good relationship can bring. I think I want that more that I am afraid.

Before we finished the conversation, she dared me to write about it in my blog. She said a true blog is about the successes and failures of the writer. She said it would not only help me, it might help others. I believe she is right (she usually is). So I took her challenge and am sharing with you our conversation. I am acknowledging that although I have repeatedly said I am ready that I have, unbeknown to myself, done everything but take that leap of faith. So now I am not only saying that I am ready, this time I will prove it. I will take action. But, I am also going to be gentle with myself and allow myself to go with the flow of things while being honest with myself about where I want things to end up.

This week, for real, step out in faith and tell someone how you feel (boss, family, friend, lover). You may be glad you did.

Take risks: if you win, you will be happy; if you lose, you will be wise.

Author Unknown

Why not go out on a limb? Isn't that where the fruit is?

Frank Scully

SPIRITUAL JOURNEY - can you be with joy

.17 CAN YOU BE WITH JOY?More on The Invitation
By Angela Skeete Davis

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.

Can I be with joy, dance with wildness and let the ecstasy of the moment fill me to the tips of my fingers and toes without cautioning myself or others? Yes, I can and I have. I have experienced joy so amazing I could not sit still; joy so moving that I reveled in it and then had to share it. On my wedding day I was joyful. I was emotionally full. I could not eat and I could not sit still. I talked to everyone, smiled constantly, danced every chance I could and laughed a lot. That day was so joyful for me I could not contain my feelings. And after the day was done, I wanted to do it all over again so that I could experience that feeling all over again...

I have also felt joy when in the throes of saying thank you. A quiet joy that has lifted my heart and made my soul and my situation feel lighter. A joy that has made the aches that I experienced almost nonexistent. A joy so freeing that tears of release cleansed me.

I have felt joy when taking the time to think of others and not myself. I can remember working in a soup kitchen, helping a victim of abuse, getting charges dropped against an immigrant who was wrongfully accused of a crime. The thank you from the people I helped was so special I have never forgotten it. I guess, even then I was mindful of the moment. I can still remember how those encounters left me feeling - joyful and blessed.

And I have danced and laughed and played with total abandon many times. While most of those moments have come when I was with my daughter, I believe they were the times when I was most willing to allow the moment to seize me. Those times when I was most willing to give in to impulse, when it was almost impossible not to give in to the feeling of being a living, vibrant being. But I don’t think you can plan to act with total abandon. I think it happens when you are so caught up in the moment, so mindful of the moment that you allow it to, at least in a sense, consume you such that the only way to proceed any further is to release the feelings through acts of total abandonment.

So, I have cavorted through sandy beaches, cried with abandon, basked luxuriantly in the sun, laughed until I cried, embarrassed myself in the streets with foolishness and danced in the rain. I have sung out loud to no one and shouted my joy to whosoever was present to hear. I have let the ecstasy of the moment fill me to the tips of my fingers and toes. And, I am open, eager and ready to do so again. I do believe there is joy that lasts. You just must be open to the moment.

This week, let joy catch you unawares and give in to it. This week, live with abandon, seize the moment, rejoice, find your ecstasy, laugh, love - in essence, be the fully alive, vibrant being you were created to be. Than look back and say thank you.

“Live with intention. Walk to the edge. Listen hard. Practice wellness. Play with abandon. Laugh. Choose with no regret. Appreciate your friends. Continue to learn. Do what you love. Live as if this is all there is.”

Mary Anne Radmacher

SPIRITUAL JOURNEY - Discernment

11. DISCERNMENT, Part One

By Angela Skeete Davis

I have so much in my head and heart to share I am just not sure where to begin. So bear with me if I seem to ramble. That is not my intent. Also, this will be a “two-parter“, I hope it works for you. First, a friend implied that when you are friends with a writer/blogger, you take the chance of being part of their writings. I know that to be true and this is proof.

I am reading this book and am at the part where the author seems to be saying that we, as individual and collective egos, seem to need and thrive on competition and conflict. I am not sure I agree since I long for peace in my life. But I am double-minded. You see, I also agree because it seems that the closer I get to living the life I long for, the more strife seems to come with the package. It is almost as if the “devil” is aware and doing all he can to prevent me from getting to my small haven of peace and joy and happiness. However, I do not worry any longer - I have vowed to never give up...

My point, I find that there are people in life who are also where I am, either consciously or unconsciously. Where am I? I am here; I am taking what few steps I can to change that perception of the ego, or at least I am doing my part to be the real me, the me beneath my ego, my own little bit of awareness. What am I talking about? Today I had a conversation with someone (let’s call this person B) who, for years, I hated talking to because our conversations always left me angry. B always said something to irk, annoy or irritate me. But lately I have found our conversations to be a blessing. I would like to say B has really changed and that is why our conversations are so good. But I know that is only half the story. I have also changed. Together we have changed and so now, that change, has allowed us to be able to talk and share and love together. I am so grateful and blessed.

My point, B said something I thought was monumental. Not because it was so profound but because of its simplicity. It occurs to me that we sometimes miss things in life because we are expecting things to be monumental. Instead, it is something so simple we miss it. To simplify a long conversation, B said that she and her spouse were reading a transformational book together and sharing its lessons together. I thought, WOW! That is what I want. Someone I can share a book with that is supposed to be transformative. That way we may transform and grow together. I think relationships often fail because the two do not grow together, the two make no attempts to share all aspects of their lives, where possible, together. I will never forget what B said to me. And when I finally find the person I want to share my life with, I will do the best I can to ensure that it is someone I can share growing and transforming with so that neither of us leaves the other behind.

I think this is a moment of clarity of emotion. I think this is profound for me because it is the clarity of emotion I crave. Clearly God/the universe/the ultimate energy is giving me the opportunity to receive the thing I ask for and am working towards. I am just glad that I was actually being mindful, enjoying the moment, actually in the moment. I am just glad that this time I had the discernment to realize it.

This week, seek discernment in your life. This week check your relationships. Are you letting people you care about slip away because you are allowing yourself to grow apart from them. If that is not what you want, find ways to include them in your growth. Find ways to get them on the same page as you so that the two of you will be able to share the journey of self-growth (true, inner self-growth) together. And while you are doing so, be MINDFUL. ENJOY THE MOMENT!!! And until next time…Take care of you.

The supreme end of education is expert discernment in all things--the power to tell the good from the bad, the genuine from the counterfeit, and to prefer the good and the genuine to the bad and the counterfeit.”

Author unknown

Spiritual Journey - can you choose to look foolish

11 More on THE INVITATIONCAN YOU CHOOSE TO LOOK FOOLISH?
By Angela

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

Would I risk looking like a fool for love, for my dream, for the adventure of being alive? Yes. For me, the question is would I risk feeling like a fool. You know, I used to think I was afraid of telling some of the people I love how I feel about them or about issues involving them because of my pride. But on my journey of self-improvement, I have come to realize that actually, it is not my pride I have to work on. It is my fear of rejection. Pride and fear of rejection are not the same thing, though we do sometimes confuse them. And while it is said love overcomes fear, that is more theory than reality. Love, if we let it, can help us get past some types of fear. Love of our selves, that is. But not all types of fear and it is not an easy process.

In the end, it is our love of our selves combined with our thought-process that helps us get past fear. After all, it was our thought-process that put us where we are in the first place. And, I don't mean a random type of thought-process. I mean a conscientious thought-process. After all, we can control our thoughts and emotions. We just don't realize it or acknowledge it...

So, I have risked looking like a fool for the adventure of being alive (I have danced in the rain along the streets of Manhattan). I have also risked looking like a fool for love I was confident was returned (I have shouted to the world the depth of my feelings). But, I do not think I have often risked feeling like a fool for love (love I was not confident was mutual) or for my dreams involving my relationships with my friends and family. As I say, my fear of rejection has often been too great. But, it has happened. There have been occasions when I have willingly put myself out there for someone I cared for. It took time, anticipation and willingness to be rejected, but I did it. The first time with not so great results and the second with much better results.

I cannot say that those two times have made it easy for me to willingly step out on a limb and take the chance of feeling like a fool again. But I can say that my choice to do so was worth the end result. So, I will continue to work on looking and feeling like a fool for my dreams and as such, will continue to make inroads in my life and my relationships. After all, what is the worse that can happen, nothing gets changed. And what is the best, all is improved to even better than I imagined.

This week, examine your life. Ask yourself if you are willing to risk looking like a fool for the things that are important to you, the people that are important to you. Then, check and determine if there is someone you need to face about an issue that has been hanging over your life. An issue that you have difficulty facing. Then get it together and face that person. Take a chance. You might get even better results than you expected. And if you don't, at least you have the knowledge that you faced your mountain and survived. I will. I hope you do. And until the next time and the next part of The Invitation. take care of you.

The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing, and becomes nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn and feel and change and grow and love and live.

Leo F. Buscaglia (American guru, tireless advocate of the power of love, 1924-1998)

Spiritual Journey - a message to daughters

07. A Message to My Daughter

So my only child just graduated. Like most parents, I am proud. I think back on her as a baby, a toddler, a young girl, a teen and cannot believe she stands before me a young lady, graduated and now getting ready to go off to college.

On graduation day, my daughter asked me if I had any words of wisdom for her. I, usually ready to jump on my soapbox and preach, was at a loss. What did I want to say? But pride and memories prevented me from saying more than what rang from my heart. I love you and am so proud of you.

Since then, I have thought a lot about what I want to tell my daughter. I want to tell her things that will matter to her, things that will make a difference to her, and things that will sustain her when I cannot be there. This is what I have to tell her.

Be true to yourself - never let others decide the road you must travel. You must live with your choices. You alone live with your failures and successes. At the end of the day, there is nothing worse than regretting the life you lived based on someone else's choices. If you choose your road, you get to learn from any poor choices but you also get to revel in your successes.

Be your own best friend - no one else knows your heart, your desires, your inner secrets as well as you do. Embrace yourself, spend time with yourself, and do for yourself. How can others truly like you if you do not like yourself? How can you give love to others if you do not love yourself? How can you have healthy relationships with others if you do not respect yourself? Put yourself first, in a healthy, positive manner, and you will do well.

Let no man or woman into your life who brings you down - life is hard enough without choosing to spend time with those who make it harder. Also, spending time with people like that just prolongs your own suffering. Friends and lovers are supposed to elevate each other. It is true that there will be hard times. I am not saying that life is easy. But, people who are always down, always miserable, trying to bring you down, not trying to improve their lot, are a drain on your spirit. Try to help them if you can. However, if they choose to remain "wallowers" in the mire of misery, wish them well but be on your way. Instead, seek those who are like you, at least aspiring to happiness.

Fight hard to do the things that are important to you, the things that make you happy - there are only so many hours in a day and days in your life. Spend those hours and days in ways that make you happy, in ways that are meaningful to you. If you do so, your days will be enriched and your memories and moments will be extended by the length, breadth and depth of your dedication.

Stand up for the things you believe in - it will give meaning to your life.

Be aware of those in need and try to bring some sunshine into their days - there will always be those better off than you and worse off than you. Those better off give you something to strive for. Those worse off remind you of where you could be, but for the grace of God. Keeping this in mind will give you a better perspective of your capabilities, possibilities and limitations. And giving back to others less fortunate will remind you what blessings you have yourself. If nothing else, helping others will lighten your load, and brighten your heart, even on the gloomiest of days.

Say thank you - this extra effort adds grace to the giver as well as the receiver. It is an uplifting affirmation that increases positive energy, confidence and well-being.

Say I'm sorry - this helps you as well as the other party to heal. It allows you to reconnect with the person who is hurting. It cleanses both of you and the air. It encourages love, compassion, understanding and personal growth as a human being.

Let go of painful things - clinging to pain prevents you from growing in hope and love. In reality, that is all there is. Why hold on to the very things that stunt your spiritual and personal growth. Besides, everything has its time. Let things go when their time is up. It allows you to make room for new things. Cry and be fully present to the pain in that moment. Tears cleanse the soul and heal the heart. Then, put the pain in a balloon and release it. In setting it free you set yourself free. free to love and hope. Then, look your best, spend time with friends, be attuned to your owns needs and be gentle with your self. You will be OK.

Find time to meditate - it can help you discover peace within yourself. It can help you find happiness in just being alive. If there is no time in your life to meditate at length: take a walk and enjoy nature, take a bath and deeply relax, or just close your eyes and breathe deeply and slowly. Meditation is an unsung hero in the world of self-rejuvenation. Trust me, it will help you in ways you can't even imagine.

Be kind to others - kindness is as much a state of mind as it is an act itself. When practiced, this simple act creates positive karma in your life and helps you find inner strength and peace. Further, when you are kind to others, you learn to be kind to yourself.

Live a good life - refrain from hurting others and yourself. Be a blessing to others and yourself. Don't take anything for granted. Appreciate the worth of everything that you encounter in your life. When you make a mistake; acknowledge it, regret it, understand what caused it, accept that there may be consequences, learn from it, and resolve not to make that same mistake again. Then let it go and be free to move on.

Be patient - keep calm when faced with things outside of your control. When you are patient, you are in a state of allowing. When you are allowing, you open yourself to the good things and blessings that are available and ready for you, even in moments when all you can imagine is pulling your hair out and screaming.

Be mindful - happiness is right now, right here, moment-by-moment, day-by-day. You create it as you go along and therefore it is your choice. When you are mindful, you live the life you are meant to live, you are being true to your inner self and you nourish your soul. When you are mindful, you notice the beauty around you, appreciate moments, and create an opportunity to learn, grow, improve and love.

Make friends and spend time with them - a friend is someone you keep because of who they are and who you are when you are with them. A friend is someone who lifts you up when you are down, who knows all your faults but loves you anyway, is someone you would do anything for, no holes barred and who would do the same for you. The number of friends does not determine happiness in life. It is the quality of the friendships you make and keep. Friendship is the fun you share, the secrets you tell each other and the memories you create together. So make good, true friends and spend time with them. It is the time you spend with them that will nurture your friendships and help them to grow and last.

Spend time with family - they can be your backbone, your strength, your comfort and your support if you let them.

Finally, know I love you.

I always have and always will. I will be here for you in good times and bad. I will share your happiness and hold you when you are in pain. I will be your rock when you need and the voice of reason and honesty when you need that as well. I will never lie to you or let you down. I can be your friend and your confidant, if you need, but I will always be your mother and I will always love you. You can find solace in my arms and a bed in my house. You may be too big to sit on my lap but it is still available, if you need. Yes, I love you my child, my heart, my beautiful daughter. And yet I give you wings to fly and soar and do and be all you can be and do.

GOOD LUCK AND MANY, MANY BLESSINGS!!!!!!!!!!!