JC’s Interview; Part Three
By Angela
When we left off, in Part Three of JC‘s Interview, he was trying to find a way to go on with his life with no guidance or advice. He was putting on a front of normalcy but not functioning adequately at work, sleeping indiscriminately with women and drinking way too much. His feelings of devastation and betrayal are eating him up inside. He is barely holding on. His story continues.
So from January to April you lead a life of devastation. You drank too much and slept with women in an indiscriminate manner. Is that correct?
Yes.
But you say that changed after April. What happened?
A new phase began for me. After we sold the house, I decided I was going to buy a condo. But my father convinced me to move back home.
How did that change things?
I was still devastated. Still drinking. Still sleeping around. But I began to question my life. What was I going to do with my life now? I knew I had to find a better way to deal with my situation. I knew I had to find something to keep me busy.
What did you decide to do?
That summer I decided I wanted to go back to school. And, when I went back to my high school to get my transcripts, I ran into a friend who pointed me in the direction of education, since I worked part-time with kids.
Did you follow through?
Yes. I quit my trucking job and began going to community college full time. That kept me busy, kept me involved. And I made my part-time job, working with kids in group homes, my full time job.
Did that change your life?
Well, I cut back drastically on my drinking and hanging out. I couldn’t with school. I was working hard trying to get good grades and learn a lot. But I still never addressed my emotional issues. I just put those on the back burner. Unfortunately it manifested in my dating. I would date women and then cut them off. I was cold and callous. I wasn’t physically or mentally brutal but I acted as though I didn’t care. I wouldn’t let people get too close. If women tried to get close, they got hurt. If they got hurt, I didn’t care. And as far as being loyal …. Nah. That wasn’t in my vocabulary. I would date two and three women at the same time and not care if I got caught. If you caught me, I was like, ”oh well, you got me.” That was my attitude. In some cases, if she cried, I might feel bad momentarily, but, the next day, I would move on.
And, I didn’t really care if, when I got caught, they wanted to be vengeful or get even with me. If they were like, “I’m gonna get you”. I was like, “go ahead, get me”, “bring it on”. They would look at me like, “what do you mean?” But my attitude was: “what are you gonna do, slash my tires? Okay, bring it”. I wanted to be hurt. Before that, when I was going into bars, I was looking for a fight. I wanted to feel pain other than the pain that was in my heart. So with these women, it was the same thing. It was: “I’ll cut you”. “Okay.” “I’ll trash your car.” “I’ve got insurance.” they would really be like, “what is wrong with you?’ But my attitude was, “I just got my heart stepped on, so you can’t do anything worse. You wanna smack me, you wanna cuss me out, you wanna spit on me, you wanna get your cousin to beat me up, fine. I’ll be here. You know where I live.” I wanted to feel pain. I didn’t know what else to do. And if you hurt me, cool. That would give me something else to think about, something other than my wife, the woman in my life who had already done so much damage to me.
Was your wife still your primary focus?
I may have denied it then but, yes. She was my primary focus. In everything I did. Even going back to school. My whole motivation was to prove that she messed up. All my anger and everything I poured into my schoolwork. My first semester, I took seven classes and finished with a 3.7 index. Now you’re talking about somebody who hadn’t been to school in twenty years and when he was in school had a C average. So I was that focused. When I started, I was computer illiterate but by the end of the first semester, I was doing power point presentations.
But I was determined to prove what I could do. Especially since one of the ways she communicated with the man she cheated on me with was through the computer. But, because I was computer illiterate, I never picked up on it. I thought she was just paying bills and she was paying bills but she was also sending him e-mails.
How else did you change your life?
As I said, I quit my trucking job and began working full time as a child care worker. And even though it was a pay cut, I no longer wanted to drive a truck. And I continued to date and drink in my spare time.
Were you still unwilling to let women in?
Yes
Still devastated?
Yes
Still with no one to talk to?
Yes
So, the only areas of your life that were improving were work and school?
Yes.
And are they still improving?
Yes. I have been promoted to managerial staff at the treatment center. I now attend a teaching school and am doing well. I have maintained an academic scholarship. I belong to various academic, national, and community service clubs and organizations. I am also on the board of directors of a not-for-profit organization.
In light of all of your accomplishments, what are your feelings toward your ex-wife, now?
I still miss what we had. I miss who she was. But now, it is almost as if she is a different person to me. I don’t know if that is real or perceived, but I look at her as two different people. The person I know today is different from the woman I knew. When we talk, it’s almost as if I’m talking to a new woman, someone totally different. I don’t know if it’s because I can’t handle the possibility of a blended woman but I do see her as two different people. And when we talked, we talked about surface things and the conversations lasted no more than five minutes.
So ends Part Three of JC’s interview. It is good to see that, in spite of his emotional state, he is able to see improvement in his life. I always find it interesting, the things that motivate us to improve our lot in life. Sometimes we spend so much time questioning the how and why that we lose sight of the positive in our life. I am glad he did not focus so much on the negative that he let a positive slip away. Next time, Part Four of JC’s interview.
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