.24 New Year possibilityby ASD
So it is three months into the new year. In the new year I usually make a list of things I want to accomplish and see how long I can stick to it. But this year I have been unable to follow through with my usual method of operation. I have been in a sort of malaise since roughly November. The end of the year is usually hard for me - lots of people close to me have, over the years, died or gotten very sick from the end of November through the end of December. I find the holidays to be bittersweet. This year was even harder for me. I lost my muse, realized a friendship was over and had to accept that some of the things I was working on will not be as I want them to be, at least not yet.
Sitting down to my computer has been a challenge. Actually writing my journey practically impossible. Sharing my thought and feelings actually impossible. But I am an optimist at heart and so I have finally been able to accept the changes that life has brought me and am now ready to begin again, with a new attitude and renewed vigor - well no real vigor yet. I must admit I am still working on that. But, because this is a blog about my journey, I shall endeavor to attempt to share some of what has happened to me in the last few months. Perhaps writing about it will help me gain deeper clarity and closure. Perhaps my telling you will help some of you, if you are going through similar things.
First, my muse. I love to write. I keep a journal which I write in regularly. I write short essays, poetry , songs and prose. I find it helps me to stay grounded and keeps me true to me. I also write this blog. Every now and then, someone comes along who inspires me. They say things I feel, or things I totally disagree with. Either way, they force me to look at things differently. I had a muse for a little while. It was nice. It made getting to my computer fun, inspiring and challenging. But my muse has left. My muse just stopped talking to me, sharing with me. My muse moved on. While I would have loved advance notice, that did not happen. My muse just vacated the building without a good-bye. So I have not been eager to sit and write - a rarity even for me. I think I got used to my muse without even realizing it. Hell, it took me a long time to even realize I had a muse. But I have accepted the end, am appreciative for the time I had and am now ready to move on alone. Change and learning to let go is apparently a never ending process with me. I just hope I get better with each ending, with each change.
Next. My friendship. I keep seeing previews for the movie He’s Just Not That Into You and I think of my situation. Whether a romantic relationship or a friend relationship, all relationships involve feelings. I spent two years working on a one-sided friendship. I knew it at the time. I even confronted my friend about it. They always denied that it was one-sided. I should have walked away. I never did. I always believed perfection was just around the corner. I believed if it was important to me, it must be important to them. But they brought their representative to the friendship. Anyway, I gave them an ultimatum and they actually stepped up to the plate. But when I did what they asked of me, they never responded. When I got in touch with them they were polite but they never made any attempts to get in touch with me. It was as thought the ultimatum forced them to look at us and realize they did not want to be friends. Once again, they did not tell me. They also just walked away. That hurt. I guess it is not something that I am used to.
But I have let that go. Trust , it wasn’t easy. Friendships are important to me. I don’t make a lot because I don’t necessarily trust people. But I did trust this person. I felt safe with this person. I believed in the goodness of this person. I believed in our friendship. I did miss this person when we stopped talking, but I have learned when people can walk away without a backwards glance it means they were never into you in the first place and that the absence of your friendship in their life is their loss and not yours. So I looked back, know I gave it my best and then I let it go and I moved on. Easy - no. Necessary - yes. Done - for the most part. It’s like I say. Letting go is a constant process. We let go of the old to make room for the new. But I keep the memories of the good . There is always good.
Finally. I spent the last year making attempts to mend some bridges. Some of my mending has been very successful and some has not. The bridges I have not been able to mend left me feeling fragile and lost. But I evaluated my actions and decided I had done the best I could do. I had taken steps to reach out but had not really gotten a positive reaction. It is clear to me that we are all at different points of growth in our lives. Sometimes the answer is to let go and try again later. When they are ready. That is what I am doing. I am letting it go for now. I will try again later. I don’t believe in giving up. I am beginning to realize that today is not always the time. Sometimes the answer is tomorrow.
The one thing this holiday season has reminded me is this. Sometimes you think a door is slamming you in the face when it is really trying to open wide to the possibilities and opportunities of tomorrow but you are standing in its way. I am firmly relieving that I have been standing in the doorway of my better today. I am finally moving aside to let possibility in.
S0 ….. Happy New Year. And, while I don’t believe in resolutions I do believe in possibility. So, here’s to the new year and the possibility it brings. I hope you all stand aside and let your doors swing wide open. I do believe in possibility. I hope you do too.
“Another fresh new year is here . . . Another year to live! To banish worry, doubt, and fear, To love and laugh and give!
This bright new year is given me To live each day with zest . . . To daily grow and try to be My highest and my best!
I have the opportunity Once more to right some wrongs, To pray for peace, to plant a tree, And sing more joyful songs!”
Sitting down to my computer has been a challenge. Actually writing my journey practically impossible. Sharing my thought and feelings actually impossible. But I am an optimist at heart and so I have finally been able to accept the changes that life has brought me and am now ready to begin again, with a new attitude and renewed vigor - well no real vigor yet. I must admit I am still working on that. But, because this is a blog about my journey, I shall endeavor to attempt to share some of what has happened to me in the last few months. Perhaps writing about it will help me gain deeper clarity and closure. Perhaps my telling you will help some of you, if you are going through similar things.
First, my muse. I love to write. I keep a journal which I write in regularly. I write short essays, poetry , songs and prose. I find it helps me to stay grounded and keeps me true to me. I also write this blog. Every now and then, someone comes along who inspires me. They say things I feel, or things I totally disagree with. Either way, they force me to look at things differently. I had a muse for a little while. It was nice. It made getting to my computer fun, inspiring and challenging. But my muse has left. My muse just stopped talking to me, sharing with me. My muse moved on. While I would have loved advance notice, that did not happen. My muse just vacated the building without a good-bye. So I have not been eager to sit and write - a rarity even for me. I think I got used to my muse without even realizing it. Hell, it took me a long time to even realize I had a muse. But I have accepted the end, am appreciative for the time I had and am now ready to move on alone. Change and learning to let go is apparently a never ending process with me. I just hope I get better with each ending, with each change.
Next. My friendship. I keep seeing previews for the movie He’s Just Not That Into You and I think of my situation. Whether a romantic relationship or a friend relationship, all relationships involve feelings. I spent two years working on a one-sided friendship. I knew it at the time. I even confronted my friend about it. They always denied that it was one-sided. I should have walked away. I never did. I always believed perfection was just around the corner. I believed if it was important to me, it must be important to them. But they brought their representative to the friendship. Anyway, I gave them an ultimatum and they actually stepped up to the plate. But when I did what they asked of me, they never responded. When I got in touch with them they were polite but they never made any attempts to get in touch with me. It was as thought the ultimatum forced them to look at us and realize they did not want to be friends. Once again, they did not tell me. They also just walked away. That hurt. I guess it is not something that I am used to.
But I have let that go. Trust , it wasn’t easy. Friendships are important to me. I don’t make a lot because I don’t necessarily trust people. But I did trust this person. I felt safe with this person. I believed in the goodness of this person. I believed in our friendship. I did miss this person when we stopped talking, but I have learned when people can walk away without a backwards glance it means they were never into you in the first place and that the absence of your friendship in their life is their loss and not yours. So I looked back, know I gave it my best and then I let it go and I moved on. Easy - no. Necessary - yes. Done - for the most part. It’s like I say. Letting go is a constant process. We let go of the old to make room for the new. But I keep the memories of the good . There is always good.
Finally. I spent the last year making attempts to mend some bridges. Some of my mending has been very successful and some has not. The bridges I have not been able to mend left me feeling fragile and lost. But I evaluated my actions and decided I had done the best I could do. I had taken steps to reach out but had not really gotten a positive reaction. It is clear to me that we are all at different points of growth in our lives. Sometimes the answer is to let go and try again later. When they are ready. That is what I am doing. I am letting it go for now. I will try again later. I don’t believe in giving up. I am beginning to realize that today is not always the time. Sometimes the answer is tomorrow.
The one thing this holiday season has reminded me is this. Sometimes you think a door is slamming you in the face when it is really trying to open wide to the possibilities and opportunities of tomorrow but you are standing in its way. I am firmly relieving that I have been standing in the doorway of my better today. I am finally moving aside to let possibility in.
S0 ….. Happy New Year. And, while I don’t believe in resolutions I do believe in possibility. So, here’s to the new year and the possibility it brings. I hope you all stand aside and let your doors swing wide open. I do believe in possibility. I hope you do too.
“Another fresh new year is here . . . Another year to live! To banish worry, doubt, and fear, To love and laugh and give!
This bright new year is given me To live each day with zest . . . To daily grow and try to be My highest and my best!
I have the opportunity Once more to right some wrongs, To pray for peace, to plant a tree, And sing more joyful songs!”
William Arthur Ward (1921-1994 American scholar, author, editor, pastor and teacher)
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