JC’s Interview; Part One
By Angela
My next interview is with a man who has been divorced for three years. I shall call him JC. He has had a hard time and is still recovering. Here are some things you should know about him. He is a former truck driver. He knew his ex-wife for five years before they married. They were married for seven years before she asked him for a divorce. Their marriage produced no children although she had one child from a prior relationship. They were separated for three months before their divorce was finalized. He is still single. This is his story.
Your wife was the one who asked for a divorce, right? How did it happen?
She came to me one Friday night in October and said she wanted a divorce. She said we were growing apart; that we weren’t growing together and that the marriage was stagnant.
Did you have any prior indications that she wanted a divorce?
No.
This was a total surprise?
Yes
How long were you separated?
Three months. She asked me for a divorce in October. We were divorced December 31st and the final papers came in January.
How did you manage to finalize things so quickly?
I consented to the divorce and we split everything. She took the furniture, I took the car
What was your reaction when she said she wanted a divorce?
I didn‘t believe her at first. I told her we should just separate for a while. She could do whatever it was she needed to do and when she was ready, she could come back. The house and I would be there and we could move on.
What was her response?
She wanted a divorce. She cried and said, “please let me have a divorce. Don‘t give me any problems.”
What did you do?
I didn’t contest. But I still left it open for her. If she wanted to work it out, we could work it out.
Describe the three months that you were separated.
She lived upstairs, in the bedroom. I lived downstairs, in our son’s old room. I had my own bathroom. We started living separate lives. That’s when I started finding out why she wanted a divorce...
Which was?
The other man that was in her life. She wanted to leave me for him. She is married to him now.
I must ask again. Were there no clues, no indications of any kind that she was unhappy?
She was unhappy but so was I. I thought we could work it out. I didn’t think she was seeing anybody else. I had no indications that she was seeing someone else. I just thought we were both stressed out because our son was getting into a lot of trouble. I thought maybe that was the factor that was stressing us. I thought that we would get past that.
Did you two talk about the issues?
Yes we did. There were days when I did not want to talk and days when she did not want to talk, and days when we both did not want to talk. When we did talk, it was mostly about our son and paying bills.
So was there no real talk between the two of you?
She eventually told me that she had emotional needs. She told me I didn’t tell her how beautiful she was, I didn’t tell her how much I cared for her. I told her I loved her, every day, more than once a day. But I didn’t tell her the things she needed to hear to make her feel good about herself
But I had emotional needs, too. And she didn’t tell me the things she wanted me to tell her, either. I was under stress. I was working two jobs, working seven days a week. But, at the time, there was so much happening that we both couldn’t see what was right in front of us. No one was being abused, we were not disrespecting each other, at least as far as I knew. We were still doing the household and family things that needed to be done. As far as I was concerned, she was my best friend and I was hers. We just allowed things to get between us - like our son, our friends….
At that point, would you have taken her back?
At the beginning sure. But not at that point. Not when I found out that other people knew there was another man. Then, all bets were off. Even then, though, I thought about it. I weighed it out, because this was the only person I had ever loved. And people make mistakes. You could be married for thirty years or forever, and you still have to work things out. Divorce was never in my vocabulary.
How did you cope?
I started hanging out more often after work with the other truck drivers. And I held on for the sake of holding on, I guess, just to get through it. But once the papers came in and the house was sold, and I was left with, pretty much, nothing, I felt nothing.
How did your family react when you told them you were getting a divorce?
They didn’t know. I didn’t tell them until the divorce was finalized. Then it was the usual: “you’ll be okay”, “everything will be alright”, “you’ll move on”, “good thing you didn’t have any kids together.”
Do you feel they were supportive?
In their own way. I guess they did the best they could. I never asked for any help and they never offered.
Why?
I’ve always been like, "I’ll be okay. I’ll take this one on the chin and keep it moving.” So, they were like, “J. will be all right.” I think they felt I would just take it like a man and keep going. They had no clue what I was going through.
What about your friends?
Same thing. Two of my friends were going through the same thing. They were helpful. Well, not really. They were bitter, so they did the best they could with what they knew. They said things like, "it will be alright”, “forget her”, “move on.” Some said "it takes a while.” One friend said, "do your thing.” And, one said, “you shouldn’t date at all.”
What did you do different while you were separated?
I still went to work. But I drank constantly. I was devastated. I didn’t do any drugs, but I ate a lot and drank a lot. I’d go to a bar at about six or seven o’clock in the evening and stay ‘til it closed. That would be my Monday through Friday.
How did you get home?
I drove home. I made it home. God was with me, because there were several nights when I would be in the parking lot, passed out, with the engine running. I should be dead or locked up but God was with me.
And so concludes Part One of my interview with JC. It is clear this divorce was, at least for JC, totally unexpected and devastating. It is a shame he felt there was no one he could turn to for help and support. That is what is most needed during times of great adversity, what he most needed. Next time, more of my interview with JC.
Your wife was the one who asked for a divorce, right? How did it happen?
She came to me one Friday night in October and said she wanted a divorce. She said we were growing apart; that we weren’t growing together and that the marriage was stagnant.
Did you have any prior indications that she wanted a divorce?
No.
This was a total surprise?
Yes
How long were you separated?
Three months. She asked me for a divorce in October. We were divorced December 31st and the final papers came in January.
How did you manage to finalize things so quickly?
I consented to the divorce and we split everything. She took the furniture, I took the car
What was your reaction when she said she wanted a divorce?
I didn‘t believe her at first. I told her we should just separate for a while. She could do whatever it was she needed to do and when she was ready, she could come back. The house and I would be there and we could move on.
What was her response?
She wanted a divorce. She cried and said, “please let me have a divorce. Don‘t give me any problems.”
What did you do?
I didn’t contest. But I still left it open for her. If she wanted to work it out, we could work it out.
Describe the three months that you were separated.
She lived upstairs, in the bedroom. I lived downstairs, in our son’s old room. I had my own bathroom. We started living separate lives. That’s when I started finding out why she wanted a divorce...
Which was?
The other man that was in her life. She wanted to leave me for him. She is married to him now.
I must ask again. Were there no clues, no indications of any kind that she was unhappy?
She was unhappy but so was I. I thought we could work it out. I didn’t think she was seeing anybody else. I had no indications that she was seeing someone else. I just thought we were both stressed out because our son was getting into a lot of trouble. I thought maybe that was the factor that was stressing us. I thought that we would get past that.
Did you two talk about the issues?
Yes we did. There were days when I did not want to talk and days when she did not want to talk, and days when we both did not want to talk. When we did talk, it was mostly about our son and paying bills.
So was there no real talk between the two of you?
She eventually told me that she had emotional needs. She told me I didn’t tell her how beautiful she was, I didn’t tell her how much I cared for her. I told her I loved her, every day, more than once a day. But I didn’t tell her the things she needed to hear to make her feel good about herself
But I had emotional needs, too. And she didn’t tell me the things she wanted me to tell her, either. I was under stress. I was working two jobs, working seven days a week. But, at the time, there was so much happening that we both couldn’t see what was right in front of us. No one was being abused, we were not disrespecting each other, at least as far as I knew. We were still doing the household and family things that needed to be done. As far as I was concerned, she was my best friend and I was hers. We just allowed things to get between us - like our son, our friends….
At that point, would you have taken her back?
At the beginning sure. But not at that point. Not when I found out that other people knew there was another man. Then, all bets were off. Even then, though, I thought about it. I weighed it out, because this was the only person I had ever loved. And people make mistakes. You could be married for thirty years or forever, and you still have to work things out. Divorce was never in my vocabulary.
How did you cope?
I started hanging out more often after work with the other truck drivers. And I held on for the sake of holding on, I guess, just to get through it. But once the papers came in and the house was sold, and I was left with, pretty much, nothing, I felt nothing.
How did your family react when you told them you were getting a divorce?
They didn’t know. I didn’t tell them until the divorce was finalized. Then it was the usual: “you’ll be okay”, “everything will be alright”, “you’ll move on”, “good thing you didn’t have any kids together.”
Do you feel they were supportive?
In their own way. I guess they did the best they could. I never asked for any help and they never offered.
Why?
I’ve always been like, "I’ll be okay. I’ll take this one on the chin and keep it moving.” So, they were like, “J. will be all right.” I think they felt I would just take it like a man and keep going. They had no clue what I was going through.
What about your friends?
Same thing. Two of my friends were going through the same thing. They were helpful. Well, not really. They were bitter, so they did the best they could with what they knew. They said things like, "it will be alright”, “forget her”, “move on.” Some said "it takes a while.” One friend said, "do your thing.” And, one said, “you shouldn’t date at all.”
What did you do different while you were separated?
I still went to work. But I drank constantly. I was devastated. I didn’t do any drugs, but I ate a lot and drank a lot. I’d go to a bar at about six or seven o’clock in the evening and stay ‘til it closed. That would be my Monday through Friday.
How did you get home?
I drove home. I made it home. God was with me, because there were several nights when I would be in the parking lot, passed out, with the engine running. I should be dead or locked up but God was with me.
And so concludes Part One of my interview with JC. It is clear this divorce was, at least for JC, totally unexpected and devastating. It is a shame he felt there was no one he could turn to for help and support. That is what is most needed during times of great adversity, what he most needed. Next time, more of my interview with JC.
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