Dating Dimes* on a Dime in DC

*slang noun in relation to physical beauty in place of a "perfect ten"

By Westmoreland

11. Game Theory?

I know that I am eschewing the standard advisory guidance. Of course I know that I should be rolling onto and off of mattresses with the D.C.���s single daughters where a trail of gold condom wrappers lies in my wake. I know that I am supposed to be a player (in the Viacom/BET sense of the word) who coldly realigns the bachelorette���s sense of virtue. Okay? But that is not game, is it? And if it is game, which game? I started dating at 15. Fifteen! If I were a basketball player that would be 22 years of running up the floor, dunking, blocking, rebounding, taking hard fouls, setting picks, getting traded, demanding trades��� and never, ever earning the love of a single dedicated fan, man. The Celtics can���t lose in Boston. When I come home, I want to be unbeatable, too.

But, anyway, yeah. I am still chaste. About 20 days, now. It���s so old school. I���m all getting in touch with myself spiritually and stuff. Now, it���s not the first time that I have gone without the special touch of a woman. Kindergarten, of course, was a dry spell. I didn���t get lucky in the first, second or third grades, either. Fourth? Nada. Fifth grade? Yeah. No. More of the same throughout grade school, man. Yes. Eventually, the ladies caught on. But it took ���em awhile.

But this chaste business is throwback game. The only way to be more throwback would be to get the marriage, itself, arranged. But, you know, whatever. My mother is enjoying her retirement too much to do my legwork. Plus she likes demure, skinny girls with high moral fiber, and, I mean, well, that arrangement wouldn���t work.

So yeah, much respect and big ups to India, South Korea, various Middle Eastern cultures and much of the African continent. Arranged marriages, it turns out, is the ultimate application of ���game���. Game, as they say, recognizes game. Arranged marriage eliminates dating doesn���t it? So, while D.C. dudes buy meals for women who are typically equipped to prepare them (what part of the game is that?), my brothers in Beijing and Bombay are, themselves, being courted. Goofy American dudes, like me, are in D.C .meeting women for drinks. ���Drinks,��� in any bar that I use, cost $30. Dinner is $100. Wait. If I am evaluating you, and this is an interview. Why am I paying? Well, I will tell you why I am paying. I am paying because my mother won���t arrange my marriage. And as you know, I am one of those guys who really wants to get married, fill an SUV with hard-headed boys who don���t listen, and put my wife in a big safe house in a nice neighborhood. And I am too (rigidly) sexist to go Dutch.

But if I had been born in Barack Obama���s father���s country I would be sitting on about 60 head of cattle and be happily betrothed to three women. Right? I think three is the right number, here. Two wives would drive you nuts because they would totally ���hate on��� each other. The first hates the second. The Second sabotages the first. What gets done in that environment? Nothing good, that���s what. But 3 wives create a steady state of turbulence where they are all compelled to stay on their toes and compete vigorously for my attention. Everyday is stilettos and spaghetti straps. That���s right. I guess I could move to Kenya, anyway. My company is global, the internet is global. Why have I limited my dating to the United States when I could actually marry up to my marryable limit? Of course I believe in Christian monogamy, but I think that I could marry up to three women and operate well. Polygamy is actually pretty old school. I���d just be kickin��� it Old Testament style. KnowhatImsayin?

But in any case, the arranged wives would not have to be courted. And here is the point: Why do I have to make a sale to discover my compatibility with you? I am tired of being charming. How do you sell a Saab? You don���t. The buyer has to know that they want - an oddly niche product that requires a lot of maintenance. So, I need one woman who has some appreciation of the engineering that has gone into this product, be able to commit and have the appropriate credit to drive off the lot. Ah, the audacity of hope.