by Angela Skeete Davis
This is part two of my interview with LL. As you will see, his subsequent committed relationships (subsequent to his separation and then to his wife’s death) have been long distance or with women who were, in some sense, unavailable for marriage or long-term commitment (at least in his subconscious). In spite of what he says, it seems the separation was a way to keep women or at least marriage, at arms length. It also appears he has found ways (however unsuccessful) to avoid getting deeply involved and thus getting hurt. It is also apparent he still harbors lingering resentment.
When we left off, last time, he had just finished explaining why he still sounded bitter about his relationship with his "past" (separated from and now deceased) wife. This is the rest of what he has to say:
So, I can understand why it took you so long to date. But, what made you start dating again?
I met someone interesting.
Did that relationship last?
Yes, for two years.
What happened?
She was insistent on having kids and I wasn’t interested in having kids at that time. So I had to set her free.
Okay. But have you ever fallen in love again?
Yes.
What happened?
She decided she wanted to get closer to God and felt that it was a journey she had to take alone. So that was that.
How long ago was that?
A year and a half ago.
Wow! Why do you think it took so long for you to fall in love again?
Interesting question. I guess because it takes a certain person to wake me up. I don ‘t give up any kind of emotion easy.
Why?
I don’t know. I’ve always been that way.
How long were you with her before you realized you were in love?
One year
What made you realize you were in love?
I couldn’t stop thinking about her.
How long did it take you to tell her?
Basically, the next day. When I realized it, I spoke on it.
By the way, where did she live?
In VA.
Is that where you live?
No.
So you were in a long distance relationship? Do you think that had any effect on your feelings or what happened?
Not on my feelings but maybe on the relationship.
How so?
I can’t say. But, being closer might have changed the relationship.
Have you had relationships with other women?
Yes. I have dated four women since my separation.
But only fell in love with one?
Well, once I got out there, it wasn‘t that I wasn‘t able to let myself go. But the fourth woman really got my attention.
You don’t think it surprising that, in the many, many years that you have been single, you have only fallen in love with one woman?
No. The women I’ve been with were good and we were good together. But, I felt we had no future and so why would I prolong it.
So why the fourth woman?
I guess she was the yin to my yang. I guess I could have had feelings for the first woman but she was too focused on having children with me and that was not where I was.
Do you think it was easier to fall in love with her because you lived so far from her?
No. It was just my brain finally got to that point.
Where do you and she stand, now? The fourth woman.
She would like to try again with me. But, I won’t because of the way it all went down. If she had come at me differently, as in, "let’s do this together", that would have been fine. But the way she did it was, for me, abrasive and so I can’t say okay let’s do this. There is a lingering doubt as to the possibility of it happening again.
So, are you open to loving someone again?
Yes. I’m a sadomasochist.
Do you think you will ever get married again?
Yes. I won’t make the next person responsible for the mistakes of another.
And if you do, do you believe it will last forever?
I hope it will.
How can you be sure?
Make sure it is the correct person for me.
How do you do that?
I don’t know. I can only go on faith.
What do you wish you knew before you got married?
I wish I had a more in-depth understanding of the character of the person I was marrying.
Why?
I would have been more prepared.
What did you learn from your marriage?
Marriage won’t work unless two people are on the same page.
What did you learn from your separation?
I am who I am …. regardless. I am not built to fall apart.
What do you wish someone would have told you before you got married?
Take your time. Be more patient. Don’t put all your trust in your emotions. They are not always accurate. Let God show you the way.
What does that mean?
Instead of just listening to your emotions, let God, your inner voice of calm, guide you, Listen before you react.
What would you do different?
Make more decisions based on a spiritual thought process rather than be so reactionary. I might make fewer mistakes.
What piece of advice would you give to others getting married?
Don’t be so reactionary. Let God guide you.
Is there anything you want to add?
My internal fortitude is a fraction of what I can offer to another person. Loyalty and respect and humbleness are the keys to spiritual wealth in a relationship. As long as you have that, you have the keys to the kingdom. No one should stay in a situation that leaves them short-changed or disrespected. The biggest thing is that I maintain my self-esteem. That’s the one thing that holds me together, along with a sense of purpose or focus.
When you have a traumatic experience, like betrayal, you must have self-esteem to keep yourself going. Otherwise you become filled with self-doubt. You constantly ask yourself, “was it my fault? was it something I did?” But you must realize, it may not have been you. I finally realized the betrayal was not because of me. In the end, I am not going to suffer because it didn’t work. It is not healthy to not let go. You know what they say, people are in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. You have to figure out where everyone belongs and then keep it movin.
When we left off, last time, he had just finished explaining why he still sounded bitter about his relationship with his "past" (separated from and now deceased) wife. This is the rest of what he has to say:
So, I can understand why it took you so long to date. But, what made you start dating again?
I met someone interesting.
Did that relationship last?
Yes, for two years.
What happened?
She was insistent on having kids and I wasn’t interested in having kids at that time. So I had to set her free.
Okay. But have you ever fallen in love again?
Yes.
What happened?
She decided she wanted to get closer to God and felt that it was a journey she had to take alone. So that was that.
How long ago was that?
A year and a half ago.
Wow! Why do you think it took so long for you to fall in love again?
Interesting question. I guess because it takes a certain person to wake me up. I don ‘t give up any kind of emotion easy.
Why?
I don’t know. I’ve always been that way.
How long were you with her before you realized you were in love?
One year
What made you realize you were in love?
I couldn’t stop thinking about her.
How long did it take you to tell her?
Basically, the next day. When I realized it, I spoke on it.
By the way, where did she live?
In VA.
Is that where you live?
No.
So you were in a long distance relationship? Do you think that had any effect on your feelings or what happened?
Not on my feelings but maybe on the relationship.
How so?
I can’t say. But, being closer might have changed the relationship.
Have you had relationships with other women?
Yes. I have dated four women since my separation.
But only fell in love with one?
Well, once I got out there, it wasn‘t that I wasn‘t able to let myself go. But the fourth woman really got my attention.
You don’t think it surprising that, in the many, many years that you have been single, you have only fallen in love with one woman?
No. The women I’ve been with were good and we were good together. But, I felt we had no future and so why would I prolong it.
So why the fourth woman?
I guess she was the yin to my yang. I guess I could have had feelings for the first woman but she was too focused on having children with me and that was not where I was.
Do you think it was easier to fall in love with her because you lived so far from her?
No. It was just my brain finally got to that point.
Where do you and she stand, now? The fourth woman.
She would like to try again with me. But, I won’t because of the way it all went down. If she had come at me differently, as in, "let’s do this together", that would have been fine. But the way she did it was, for me, abrasive and so I can’t say okay let’s do this. There is a lingering doubt as to the possibility of it happening again.
So, are you open to loving someone again?
Yes. I’m a sadomasochist.
Do you think you will ever get married again?
Yes. I won’t make the next person responsible for the mistakes of another.
And if you do, do you believe it will last forever?
I hope it will.
How can you be sure?
Make sure it is the correct person for me.
How do you do that?
I don’t know. I can only go on faith.
What do you wish you knew before you got married?
I wish I had a more in-depth understanding of the character of the person I was marrying.
Why?
I would have been more prepared.
What did you learn from your marriage?
Marriage won’t work unless two people are on the same page.
What did you learn from your separation?
I am who I am …. regardless. I am not built to fall apart.
What do you wish someone would have told you before you got married?
Take your time. Be more patient. Don’t put all your trust in your emotions. They are not always accurate. Let God show you the way.
What does that mean?
Instead of just listening to your emotions, let God, your inner voice of calm, guide you, Listen before you react.
What would you do different?
Make more decisions based on a spiritual thought process rather than be so reactionary. I might make fewer mistakes.
What piece of advice would you give to others getting married?
Don’t be so reactionary. Let God guide you.
Is there anything you want to add?
My internal fortitude is a fraction of what I can offer to another person. Loyalty and respect and humbleness are the keys to spiritual wealth in a relationship. As long as you have that, you have the keys to the kingdom. No one should stay in a situation that leaves them short-changed or disrespected. The biggest thing is that I maintain my self-esteem. That’s the one thing that holds me together, along with a sense of purpose or focus.
When you have a traumatic experience, like betrayal, you must have self-esteem to keep yourself going. Otherwise you become filled with self-doubt. You constantly ask yourself, “was it my fault? was it something I did?” But you must realize, it may not have been you. I finally realized the betrayal was not because of me. In the end, I am not going to suffer because it didn’t work. It is not healthy to not let go. You know what they say, people are in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. You have to figure out where everyone belongs and then keep it movin.
1 comment:
Great piece. When is the next
installment coming out?
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