17. Remedial English
By Howard Westmoreland
In my case, the single greatest challenge to dating is inter-gender communications. I have always had that trouble. The more time I spend with a woman ��� the more we like each other - the more cumbersome it becomes to express (some) ideas. Intimate ideas. The more important the thought, the harder it is to communicate it effectively. It is a hard thing to accept, but I think it is sort of true.
I am celebrating my 37th Earth orbit around the Sun. It has been a pretty good run, so far. But for each lap, a year is appended to my age. It���s a relative measurement. I mean, there are folks who think I am still too young to fret, while others call me mister and defer to me as an elder. But I am beginning to wonder if I am putting together enough wisdom to approach 40. In particular, am I any better at being in a relationship ��� being a boyfriend? And if not how will I prepare to one day be a good husband? I mean, I really don���t have a reliable metric.
And there are times where I find myself, you know, talking to the woman that I am seeing ��� and I feel like I am playing ���The Telephone Game���.
First, you know, I tell myself what I am going to say. That is called ���Preparing the Message���. Then I say it. This is, of course, ���Delivery of the Message.���
More times than I like to admit, I discover the message that she heard is not what I told myself to say, or I don���t think it reflects what I said.
I usually have about three chances to ���Deliver the Message���, peacefully. The fourth delivery iteration typically means that I have lost all hope of ever getting the message through. Any further attempts will lead to an argument. Tears, perhaps.
There ought to be a class. You know, like at the community college that would train guys to speak effective dating English. In fact, the course would be called Effective Dating English.
I don���t know if I would enroll, but the class ought to be offered. I couldn���t imagine a man walking into a room that declares that he is not competent to talk to women, but I know that I am not alone in this struggle. But (sigh) man. I feel like I am too old to admit the problem, publicly. Remember when people found out that there were college athletes who had graduated, but were completely illiterate?
Anyway, the shortcoming must be mine. If I can learn to say ���I think that���s too expensive��� in Spanish, then I am sure I can learn to say it in Effective Dating English. If I can say ���Um, I don���t know about that������ in French, then I am sure I can learn to say it in Effective Dating English. If I have learned to say ���Beautiful, that is a crazy idea��� in Italian, I should be able to articulate it in Effective Dating English.
What if Effective Dating English (EDE) became a standard means of sharing with your lady notions like: ���I will be home late. I am having a beer after work.��� Or even, ���I am so tired, baby. Do you mind rubbing my back?���
Can you imagine the unity, goodwill and love facilitated between dating folks all over this country? Plus, I would get rich. ���Effective Dating English��� would be a best seller -- and on Oprah���s Book Club list, would it not?
Okay. Whoa. Settle down. Before we get too ambitious, we have to build an EDE vocabulary. OK? If you don���t mind, I would like to skip right into the B���s. How do we say, ���Budget?���
I am celebrating my 37th Earth orbit around the Sun. It has been a pretty good run, so far. But for each lap, a year is appended to my age. It���s a relative measurement. I mean, there are folks who think I am still too young to fret, while others call me mister and defer to me as an elder. But I am beginning to wonder if I am putting together enough wisdom to approach 40. In particular, am I any better at being in a relationship ��� being a boyfriend? And if not how will I prepare to one day be a good husband? I mean, I really don���t have a reliable metric.
And there are times where I find myself, you know, talking to the woman that I am seeing ��� and I feel like I am playing ���The Telephone Game���.
First, you know, I tell myself what I am going to say. That is called ���Preparing the Message���. Then I say it. This is, of course, ���Delivery of the Message.���
More times than I like to admit, I discover the message that she heard is not what I told myself to say, or I don���t think it reflects what I said.
I usually have about three chances to ���Deliver the Message���, peacefully. The fourth delivery iteration typically means that I have lost all hope of ever getting the message through. Any further attempts will lead to an argument. Tears, perhaps.
There ought to be a class. You know, like at the community college that would train guys to speak effective dating English. In fact, the course would be called Effective Dating English.
I don���t know if I would enroll, but the class ought to be offered. I couldn���t imagine a man walking into a room that declares that he is not competent to talk to women, but I know that I am not alone in this struggle. But (sigh) man. I feel like I am too old to admit the problem, publicly. Remember when people found out that there were college athletes who had graduated, but were completely illiterate?
Anyway, the shortcoming must be mine. If I can learn to say ���I think that���s too expensive��� in Spanish, then I am sure I can learn to say it in Effective Dating English. If I can say ���Um, I don���t know about that������ in French, then I am sure I can learn to say it in Effective Dating English. If I have learned to say ���Beautiful, that is a crazy idea��� in Italian, I should be able to articulate it in Effective Dating English.
What if Effective Dating English (EDE) became a standard means of sharing with your lady notions like: ���I will be home late. I am having a beer after work.��� Or even, ���I am so tired, baby. Do you mind rubbing my back?���
Can you imagine the unity, goodwill and love facilitated between dating folks all over this country? Plus, I would get rich. ���Effective Dating English��� would be a best seller -- and on Oprah���s Book Club list, would it not?
Okay. Whoa. Settle down. Before we get too ambitious, we have to build an EDE vocabulary. OK? If you don���t mind, I would like to skip right into the B���s. How do we say, ���Budget?���
2 comments:
Let me ask you, in this textbook, will it cover the many ways to say to your woman of interest for the moment, "Wow, it looks like you have had a hard day at work, let me rub your back/feet/neck" or "Hey Beautiful, let me pour you a glass of wine, while you tell me about YOUR day!"
The funny thing about communication is that it goes both ways and there are some key points to it that are very subtle and that are learned through time, patience, and perserverance through tough conversations. Lesson #1: NOT EVERYTHING ON YOUR MIND NEEDS TO BE SHARED. As a child, this is often cute i.e., "Mommy, Uncle Bob smells like Fido!" As an adult - not so cute. If your lady did feel safe enough to share her idea with you, and you feel that it is "crazy" and you therefore dismiss it - did you NEED to tell her that it was "crazy"? Lesson #2: LEARN HOW TO SAY WHAT YOU NEED TO SAY IN A KIND & LOVING WAY TO THOSE YOU ARE FOND OF. Keeping with the example of your woman's "crazy" idea, perhaps an introspective "Hmmm, interesting idea Beautiful . . . tell me more about it?" You could even feign interest until she gets it all out of her system and then just leave it. She feels heard, you finish the conversation in your head and voila, just like Johnson's "no more tears".
I applaud you for your introspection and acknowledgement that PERHAPS, just perhaps, the issue could be something that YOU need to examine and work on. There appears to be growth
As a woman who has been dating for over 20 years, and has dated many men from convicted felons to elected public officials, I have amassed considerable evidence to suggest that communication in a dating context is over-rated and a waste of time. There's no nice way to say 'rub my back and shut up or bear with me while I exchange fewer and fewer dollars for intimate acts.' Regardless of what you say, we know that's what you really mean. You will sell more books if you publish 'The New Cave Man: Return of the Club.'
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