Dating Dimes* on a Dime in DC

*slang noun in relation to physical beauty in place of a "perfect ten"

By Westmoreland

06. Zombies

Wizards practice magic.

That���s what wizards do. I mean during the daylight hours, I am a computer wizard. Eyeglasses, collared shirt, ten month wool trousers, arcane formulas. Harry Potter has what, an owl? Ron has a rat. I have a mouse. Anyway, that is the daytime routine.

At night, though, I end up practicing a darker magic.

It is not by choice, really. It is a compulsion. My magic is driven by the heavenly body hanging overhead. In the daytime, it is daytime magic. At night, its black magic.

During the day, I work alone, mostly. As the sun goes down, my magic is little more like what you would expect at a standard magic show. I need a willing, attractive female to assist me in the execution of these tricks. I prefer to have the same, long term assistant who fully understands the illusion, risk, thrill and challenges associated with my own brand of magic. Sorcery is better when you know your partner well��� in my opinion.

But over the last few months, I have been struggling to establish the right magical balance.
The assistants just have not been entirely capable��� or just incompatible. And you know, there are side effects to the practice of dark magic. Sometimes, after you have tried to saw a lovely woman in half, you have to be ready for something ��� just not proceeding as planned. People think magic is all fun and games, but it is not. There are risks. And sometimes things blow up in your face.

The most annoying side effect of black magic is the rendering of zombies. Man, I really don���t like zombies. If you are not familiar with wizardry and magic, then allow me to take you under the Dark Cloak of Insight. A zombie tends to result from the failed cooperation between a wizard and an assistant. A zombie is neither alive nor dead and trolls around workshops where wizards are known to conjure or Inns where a wizard has been known to have a bit of meal (or ale).

Zombies are angry or disappointed or they are so tired that they demonstrate no feeling at all. They always stare. Sometimes they wander around expecting that the wizard that rendered them as such will notice.

My response to zombies is not to react to them. I typically duck under the ol��� Cloak of Invisibility. I throw on the cloak and sit really, really still. I hold my breath, too. And then I look straight ahead. Sometimes, for good measure, I will hunker down behind another magician. ���Why dost thou hunker down, thus���*, the other magician asks me. Come on, man. ���Hast thou not noticed yonder zombie���?

I mean, the hunker-down move usually works pretty well. But even magic is unreliable.

Last night, a zombie saw me right through the Cloak of Invisibility. And I guess I should never underestimate a) the strength of my spell-casting; or, b) a zombie���s ability to conjure on her own. I really wanted to project myself onto the Astral Plane when I saw this one zombie belly up to my bar. Eh. I usually see them before they see me. I was too many pints of ale into the visit to smoothly draw the Cloak of Invisibility over my head. I looked over at her, in spite of the fact that I did not want to ���say hi���. And our eyes met. Zounds!

As long as we are on the subject of magic, I may as well share some tricks that you can use on your own��� Now, magic tends to be regional. I don���t make these rules, I only play by them. Anyway, this is an old trick that I discovered in 2003 when I was laid off by Arthur Andersen. I call this one ���How To Make a Young Professional Woman Disappear Right Before your Eyes in Washington DC���. Okay, this one is pretty easy. So, you have to identify a fox, first. This one works better, the more attractive she is, but it will work with not so attractive women too (sadly). So you just walk up real confident. And you strike up a conversation where you focus on her. Listening to her is key to the illusion. The conversation will lead to what you do for a living. Again, not my rules. But here is where you queue the drum roll. Take a deep breath, look at your shoes, and tell her ���I am currently between positions...��� Poof. (Rim Shot!) She will be out of sight before you raise your head. That one makes her disappear (every time). The analog makes you invisible��� and again, this is DC magic.

Now the second trick is, like, so easy that I forget that it is magic. Now, all magic is based on what people want to see. The illusion is the perceived inversion of reality��� Okay, so I call this ���How To Be Invisible to Young Professional Women (and some Dudes) in Washington DC���. Alright, now you need a reception or a fundraising event or any Political-based party. This trick also requires a prop. The trick is to wear a shirt without a tie; a Golf shirt works pretty well to one of the above-mentioned or similar events. There are some bars in DC where if you walk in wearing a t-shirt and jeans, you can pick up every pretty girl���s purse in the building and walk out. Total invisibility. See, this trick plays on the fact that every professional male in DC wears a suit and tie when they go out. If you are not wearing a tie, the foxes cannot even pick up your scent. Denzel Washington would not be recognized in Washington, wearing a t-shirt.

So as I am congratulating myself for escaping a close zombie call I notice a voice mail on my AT&T Motorola Go Phone��� . I hate voice mail. So I call, and am stunned. In the deepest zombie tenor ������ You saw me, and couldn���t even f-bomb speak?��� And then, here is the real magic, the voice mail self-destructs. Whoa. Strong conjuring, indeed.

(*Magicians still use Ye Olde English)