07. Bless These 2 Cans of Sardines and 5 cans of Pringles
By Westmoreland
There are rules to not (yet) being wealthy. The first rule is that you don���t have a lot of money. I just paid an obscene American Express bill. I stared at those four digits until they morphed slowly into four letters. I read the bill aloud and cursed.
Another guy on a vision quest recently quipped that the economically distressed members of our society are bitter. Man, I couldn���t have said it better. I am bitter. 12 months from now, of course, I will be soaking in a Jacuzzi, splashing Veuve Clicquot all over a squealing little brown cutie who giggles and incessantly complains ���Its cold, its cold���!��� Bubbles are everywhere! But in the meantime, my little brown cutie wrinkles her nose up at the mention of sardines.
There is a rap record that predicts that the more money you have the more problems you get. Well, let me be the judge of that. I will say that I have had very few problems since I have relieved myself of my disposable dollars. It���s basically the same problem. No (extra) money simplifies a lot of things. It makes you decisive. Should I go out? Or stay in? Stay in! Should I buy new slacks? Or wear these until September? Rock these ���till the hems drop out of the bottoms!
Yeah, so my elegant little brown cutie pie is involved in a high pressure project where meetings are held up the street from my place. Her office is much closer to my building than to her home (which is in the same neighborhood that I am targeting as my first Real Estate endeavor). So, it has come to pass that she ask to stay with me for a week.
Brown Cutie Pie: So, I will be able to stay there, next week?
Bitter Bachelor: Yeah, You got it!
Brown Cutie Pie: And all you have to eat over there are sardines?
Bitter Bachelor: Right. You got it.
Brown Cutie Pie: Well, what are we going to do about groceries?
Bitter Bachelor: Um. You got it?
See the simplicity?
Not only are the economically distressed bitter, but they also cling to religion. Ditto that. I have $175 until the end of the month, and my spirituality is rushing back��� There is a line in the Book of Matthew where a little boy rolls up on Christ with his lunch, and he is like, ���Go ahead and take my lunch to feed the multitude���. It is a story of faith. Yeah, I know that I joke around a lot, but that story gets me misty-eyed every time. The subtext, for me, is that some people (typically kids) can recognize authenticity when they see it, and will sacrifice their own resources to support a bigger cause when that cause is genuine.
I don���t mention Christ���s Disciple, Matthew, to name drop. I am not on a first name basis with the authors of the Gospels. Believe me. I am a weak Christian. When I get to Heaven it will be on coupons and a scholarship. I was in Church this past Easter and Jesus was really surprised to see me in the balcony. He could barely place my face. He saw me seated next to my mother, and he thought, ���Now where do I know that guy?���
But I am keen on Jesus. I revere men who do the most necessary thing in the only way they see fit. The world demands men who execute an unwavering vision. Those men are forced into leadership. Not because they want to be the boss, but because the strength of their clarity is so powerful. And, of course dangerous. A life fueled, not by resources, but belief, is an efficient way to live. If Jesus, Gandhi and King could survive (thrive and die) outside of the margin of a comfortable society -- in order to improve mankind, then certainly I can go without eating out (for the next six months) to make my life better. And if I am a wise steward of my resources (that is something my ex���s dad used to say ��� I really miss that guy), then I make my unborn babies lives better, too.
Look. I have got to be honest. I am not starving myself to lose 20 lbs. This is not a vow of poverty for the sake of piety. I am suffering for my art, and the art is Classic Capitalist Expressionism. I keep hearing that it is easier for a rich man to pass through a camel���s eye��� so I avoid camels. I am all about the Benjamins!
And in order for me to stockpile cash, I am stockpiling sardines. No pain, no profit.
My little brown cutie calls it the Several Sardine Sandwiches Solution. We belly laughed a bit at that��� and then settled back down. Sardines are not really that funny. I am building an empire over here in the only way that my vision allows. Plus, I am old school. My first place has to be on 30 year-fixed-paper. Not fly paper. I mean, if someone told me that I could buy a 4 bedroom house in the suburbs with a Discover Card, I might have mulled it over��� But don���t cry for me Argentina, I am plotting to buy Buenos Aires.
And as God continues to multiply my 2 cans of sardines and 5 cans of Pringles, I will need a woman at my side who can wear champagne in the bathtub. That���s what I need. That���s a special lady.
1 comment:
Dear Now Dating Dimes on Nothing,
Sardines can get old. Try Fillets of Kippered Herring. Same idea, but are less oily, less salty and typically more in one can than sardines. The good news is both are low fat, high protein and omega-3 acids.
On another note, all of this saving money is un-American. Or, in the words of that great old Negro spiritual, 'Ain't nuthin' goin' on but the rent...'
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