by Angela
I know I said I was going to interview divorced men as a follow-up to my previous column, but I know of a man, I will call him LL, who was separated, and then widowed before he had the chance to divorce. He has an interesting take on this topic.
Here are some things you should know about him. He knew his wife for three years before they were married. They were married for eighteen months before he asked her for a divorce. This was because he discovered she had been intimate with his best friend while he was stationed overseas in the Armed Forces. At the time of their separation, they had one child, a boy, who was thirteen months old. They shared custody for the first seven years of their son’s life. When LL moved out of their home state, his wife also moved, but she moved with his son to an undisclosed location. This lasted for four years. They were separated for sixteen years before she died. He is still single. When I asked him why they never got divorced, he insisted she just refused.
How were you affected by your separation?
I lost my family unit. I suffered disappointment, betrayal, and feelings of hostility. I was disappointed in who she turned out to be, she was not the person I thought she was when I married her. I was hostile over the situation that led to me wanting a divorce.
How did the hostility manifest?
It didn’t for the longest. I guess it was bottled up inside. Then, when I was stationed in Cuba (I was in the Navy when I was married and separated), I ran into one of the sources of my hostility. At first we greeted each other with a pound and a half-a-hug. But, then, I lost it. I seriously lost it with this person. I beat the hell out of him. My mates had to pull me off. But he never said a word. Neither of us said a word. He just took it like a man.
How did you feel after?
Indifferent
To whom?
To everyone involved.
Did you ever try to be friends with the person you assaulted?
Sure. At one time we were like family; so I tried. I visited him But, after fifteen minutes in his company, I felt physically ill and had to leave. I knew being friends was not being true to myself; so I never tried again.
How did your family and friends react?
They were shocked at first. But I was not affected by their feelings. It was my life and my choice.
How was your relationship with your child affected?
When my child was seven years old, my ex took him away and I didn’t get to see him for four years. She didn’t tell me where they were. She prevented me from seeing him. I lost four years of his life. When we finally got to be together, my son and I had to relearn each other. The gap hurt then, still hurts now. Being apart, hurt.
How did you get through the bad times?
With faith and trust in God.
Were you optimistic about your future?
Eventually, yes.
You say eventually. How long after your separation did you start dating?
Five years.
Why so long?
It just happened to be that way. I just didn’t feel like being bothered with any other person but my child. I was giving him all my energy.
Does that mean for five years you had no intimate relationships of any kind?
None
Did you miss it?
Absolutely. But, it was not what was driving me or at least it wasn’t what was driving me during that period.
Then what was?
My child.
You sound bitter. Why?
I went through some really tough times regarding my child. I still hate that she tried to besmirch my reputation as a father.
How did she do that?
She tried to paint me as a deadbeat dad.
Were you?
No. At first we had joint custody. Then I had primary custody. Then when she took custody, I was there for my child, when she let me. I helped raise my child and even when I moved I kept in touch.
Did you pay child support?
Yes.
Then, what happened?
She had me hauled into court on lies and I got sent to jail.
Wow! How did that happen?
I brought paperwork into court disproving all her allegations against me. But, the judge wouldn’t even look at them. He threw them aside, turned to her, and asked her what she wanted. She said she wanted me to go to jail and that’s where I went.
That must have been very hard?
It was because it wasn’t true. I was, am a good father. And I paid child support. That is what gets me. Not the courts or the system. Her. She didn’t have to lie. She didn’t have to use my child against me. But she did and I didn’t deserve that.
So why you don’t resent the judge who sent you to jail?
I resent the one thing he said to me. He said, “if you were half the father to your son that your father is to you, you wouldn’t be here right now.”
I see you have remembered it word for word.
Yeah. It’s a brand in my skin.
Here are some things you should know about him. He knew his wife for three years before they were married. They were married for eighteen months before he asked her for a divorce. This was because he discovered she had been intimate with his best friend while he was stationed overseas in the Armed Forces. At the time of their separation, they had one child, a boy, who was thirteen months old. They shared custody for the first seven years of their son’s life. When LL moved out of their home state, his wife also moved, but she moved with his son to an undisclosed location. This lasted for four years. They were separated for sixteen years before she died. He is still single. When I asked him why they never got divorced, he insisted she just refused.
How were you affected by your separation?
I lost my family unit. I suffered disappointment, betrayal, and feelings of hostility. I was disappointed in who she turned out to be, she was not the person I thought she was when I married her. I was hostile over the situation that led to me wanting a divorce.
How did the hostility manifest?
It didn’t for the longest. I guess it was bottled up inside. Then, when I was stationed in Cuba (I was in the Navy when I was married and separated), I ran into one of the sources of my hostility. At first we greeted each other with a pound and a half-a-hug. But, then, I lost it. I seriously lost it with this person. I beat the hell out of him. My mates had to pull me off. But he never said a word. Neither of us said a word. He just took it like a man.
How did you feel after?
Indifferent
To whom?
To everyone involved.
Did you ever try to be friends with the person you assaulted?
Sure. At one time we were like family; so I tried. I visited him But, after fifteen minutes in his company, I felt physically ill and had to leave. I knew being friends was not being true to myself; so I never tried again.
How did your family and friends react?
They were shocked at first. But I was not affected by their feelings. It was my life and my choice.
How was your relationship with your child affected?
When my child was seven years old, my ex took him away and I didn’t get to see him for four years. She didn’t tell me where they were. She prevented me from seeing him. I lost four years of his life. When we finally got to be together, my son and I had to relearn each other. The gap hurt then, still hurts now. Being apart, hurt.
How did you get through the bad times?
With faith and trust in God.
Were you optimistic about your future?
Eventually, yes.
You say eventually. How long after your separation did you start dating?
Five years.
Why so long?
It just happened to be that way. I just didn’t feel like being bothered with any other person but my child. I was giving him all my energy.
Does that mean for five years you had no intimate relationships of any kind?
None
Did you miss it?
Absolutely. But, it was not what was driving me or at least it wasn’t what was driving me during that period.
Then what was?
My child.
You sound bitter. Why?
I went through some really tough times regarding my child. I still hate that she tried to besmirch my reputation as a father.
How did she do that?
She tried to paint me as a deadbeat dad.
Were you?
No. At first we had joint custody. Then I had primary custody. Then when she took custody, I was there for my child, when she let me. I helped raise my child and even when I moved I kept in touch.
Did you pay child support?
Yes.
Then, what happened?
She had me hauled into court on lies and I got sent to jail.
Wow! How did that happen?
I brought paperwork into court disproving all her allegations against me. But, the judge wouldn’t even look at them. He threw them aside, turned to her, and asked her what she wanted. She said she wanted me to go to jail and that’s where I went.
That must have been very hard?
It was because it wasn’t true. I was, am a good father. And I paid child support. That is what gets me. Not the courts or the system. Her. She didn’t have to lie. She didn’t have to use my child against me. But she did and I didn’t deserve that.
So why you don’t resent the judge who sent you to jail?
I resent the one thing he said to me. He said, “if you were half the father to your son that your father is to you, you wouldn’t be here right now.”
I see you have remembered it word for word.
Yeah. It’s a brand in my skin.
1 comment:
Wow, that brother went to some drama. Great, insightful and revealing article. I don't see anyone responding to it, so I wanted you to know that I was affected by it considering what I am going through myself. I have not reached the extremes as this brother, but I know where he is coming from. I recently was speaking with a young lady who asked the question "what do you want in a relationship?" This was in response to my explaining my divorce proceeding and 1st marriage. I responded with Loyality, Respect and Unconditional Love. I wonder can a brother really find love, after so much hurt and shame. The shame I believe is the overwhelming display of love and affection for someone who then decides they want to go in another direction; exluding you from the her life and your childs life. Well, gotta stop just wanted you to know I read the article and check in off and on to see what shaking!
D
Coke83@aol.com
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