Dating Dimes* on a Dime in DC

*slang noun in relation to physical beauty in place of a "perfect ten"

By Westmoreland

13. I am Bringing Sexy Backward

I write a lot of songs in my head. I picked up the habit when my first iPod blew up on me. To compensate for, say, the loss of The Roots or Led Zeppelin, I would just compose my own music on the way to work. In my head. I wrote ���I���m Bringing Sexy Back��� on the Orange Line train to work. In my head. The music that I used was different. And (more importantly) I was not singing all falsetto like the thief who recorded the track. When I heard my song on the radio, I was like ���The Pussycat Dolls stole that from me.��� When I perform it is more ���I am bringing sexy back. Yes.��� The radio performance is all ���I���m bringin��� sexy back, yeah?!?��� Not the precise expression of the feeling, but damn close. Oh, I also used an orchestra. It has more of an Ellington big band swing feeling. In my head. Of course I wrote the song in D major. In my experience few things inspire the imagination like major Ds.

The song is inspired by my experiences with bringing sexy back (or introducing it entirely) to real life situations. I cannot bring sexy back to software development. There is no back to bring, there. And sexy is well established in consulting. There are so many wild foxes roaming the building where I work. Sex sells, man. It even sells ���business solutions���. So I do not bring sexy back to work. But I do, occasionally, bring sexy back to ordering chicken at Popeye���s. ���I would like an 8 piece spicy with two biscuits. Yeah?!?��� Or in the Whole Foods near my place. ���Where do you guys keep the hummus? Yeah?!?��� When I wrote the song, some time ago, and way before I heard it on the radio, I toyed with a longer refrain. ���I am bringing sexy back and have sex often. Yes.��� But it was just not as catchy. Often doesn���t rhyme with anything groovy. Coffin? Coughin���? McLaughlin? Anyway, as my circumstances have radically changed, I am thinking about doing a remix.

My remix is not as upbeat. It is somber. I am just kickin��� a few ideas around here, but it goes like this, so far

My love life���s way off track, yeah!
For chas-ti-ty, I do not have the knack, yeah!
I want a woman with a sexy back, yeah!
(And take her to my crib!!)

By the way, Pussycat Dolls, if you have a problem with any of this, please feel free to contact my lawyers (who are prettier and more talented than your whole group combined, and one has a photographic memory. You do not want to join this issue. Trust me.) Come to think of it, I know so many super sexy attorneys I could start my own girl group. A la ���Making the Band���. My group would be called ���Raising the Bar���. Man, I know some sexy attorneys��� and I am somehow friendly with them all. Ugh. I wish you could see some of these luscious legal eagles. You know what? This is the last year that I am going to tolerate being friendly with gorgeous women. If I cannot secure a serious relationship by Thanksgiving, the gloves are coming off, ladies. Sorry. By Christmas, I am jumping down somebody���s chimney. Which is way off subject, but there are side effects of chastity that render you easily distracted. Everything is distracting.

Anyway, I���ll need Diddy to do the remix, obviously. It needs to be downbeat like ���I���ll Be Missing You���. Diddy, have your lawyers contact my lawyers. On second thought, if you also have a gorgeous legal team, have them contact me directly. We can work it out. I���ll take it from there.