DIVORCE PERSPECTIVEJC’s Interview; Part Four
By Angela
This is the final installment in JC’s Interview. When we left off, he was ready to move on with his life and enter a new, positive stage. His story finishes here. And at the end, JC has some words of wisdom to share. I hope they help those of you out there going through what he went through and is still going through.
Okay. It is three years later. Do you think you can fall in love?
Anything is possible.
Do you want to fall in love again?
Yeah. Part of me does.
Why?
It feels good. It’s a rush. You go home and you’re on the phone all night long. That whole, “I can’t wait to see you“. That - a storm is coming and all the lights are out but who cares, we’re with each other.
What about the part of you that doesn’t?
That’s the part I’m working on.
Well, why does that part of you not want to?
Just the fear: The fear of losing. The fear that I am not younger anymore. There is a difference between getting your heart broken at twenty and at thirty and at forty. But when you get to fifty years old and you gotta go through stuff, that’s no good. I don’t want to do that. I understand that there is nothing guaranteed in life but I don’t want to go through those things again.
So, do you believe in marriage?
Yeah.
Would you get married again?
It depends. I wouldn’t want to get married for the sake of getting married. I would want to be married because I want to be with that person.
Do you believe in forever?
No, I don’t believe in forever. I believe in shooting for forever,
What do you wish you knew before you got married?
I wish I knew how to communicate better. I wish I could have seen the signs that there were problems in the marriage and been able to address them.
What do you wish you knew before you got divorced?
How to fight. How to fight for my marriage. I think, had I fought hard enough, she would have never left and we could have gotten through this. Had we fought together, I think we could have crushed whatever it was that was in front of us. I think, when marriages are good, they are unstoppable. And I think, if you put your minds together to fight for it, you can have it. But when they are bad, it’s like sleeping with the enemy because you know all their weaknesses and they know all yours. And you know you can’t put up a shield because the enemy is working from the onside out. Yet, in our situation, I think we could have persevered.
Even though she wanted to be with another man?
Right. I have this sixth sense, I think she didn’t really want to be with this guy. I think the fact that he treated her in a way that I wasn’t was what attracted her to him. But had I known beforehand and fought for her, she would have never left.
You still love your wife.
Do I love her? There’s a place in my heart for her.
It sounds like you still love your wife.
But would I go back to her? No.
Really? I don’t believe you.
My life is different. It is so different now from then. And whatever we had, that was that time and this is a different time and I don’t feel the pull and I don’t feel the draw of going back to her. I can look at it and say that was a good time, a wonderful time. But I don’t have that pull anymore where I wanna get back to that.
If you could, what would you have done differently?
I wouldn‘t work so much,. That’s for sure. Working two and three jobs is not healthy for your marriage. Not in this day and age. Maybe it worked in my parent‘s time, but not for today’s marriages. Somebody is gonna feel like they are losing out. Working all those jobs is not healthy. When do you have time to be with your mate? When do you have time to talk to your mate? When do you have time to build that strong bond? You don’t.
What do you wish someone had told you about how to handle life after the divorce?
I wish that somebody would have constantly been in my ear about not being afraid to talk to somebody or get help. I wish there had been somebody more consistent about telling me things like, “you need someone who can help you articulate what you are going through," “maybe you should write something down about your feelings from day to day," or “maybe you should join a group for divorced men because you need to see men at all the stages of divorce, men in the beginning and the middle as well as men who have made it through.” I never got that.
What did you learn?
I am a lot stronger than I think I am. I learned that I can change my life when properly motivated.
What piece of advice would you give to someone getting married?
Learn everything there is to learn about being in a marriage the proper way. Make sure you are not getting married for the sake of being married but because every fiber of your being wants to be with that person. Make sure you are willing to treat that person the way you want to be treated at all times and in all phases of your life. If you can do that, then you should get married.
What piece of advice would you give to a man getting a divorce?
I would ask him, “have you explored every avenue that there is to keep your marriage together“. My belief is that marriage is the foundation of civilization. When you say you love somebody, you fight for them. But when all else fails, you must do the right thing. If you have children, you must take care of them. If you have no children, look at it as a business deal being dissolved because, when it is over, since you have no children together, you don’t have to see each other ever again. I would say, “you have to do what is best for you to move on“. That doesn’t mean crush the other person. It doesn’t mean destroy the next person. It means moving on so that both parties get what they need. Besides, if you destroy the other person, you are really destroying yourself. And at the end of the day, you still won’t have what you want. So, that is when you can start healing yourself. Right then, during the divorce, you can start healing.
And what recommendation would you give to start healing?
Seek professional help. And if they don’t have the money or insurance , seek a religious leader who deals with marriage counseling and is not an extremist. And make sure you see them regularly and often. Think how long you were married. You were in it twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. Well, it is going to take a while for you to be okay.
Do you have anything to add? Is there anything else you want to say?
I just hope this helps somebody. That’s all I can do…. help somebody who might not know what to do.
Thank you.
